Willard's Garage

Magnificent Bastards poster art

2010-04-14T19:43:00.002-04:00

Poster art for the show with pat mAcdonald& MelanieJane , aka purgAtory hill.
watercolor/pen&ink/acrylic, with homemade frame. This frame's a little different , & I'm happy with how it turned out. Gonna have to start scouring the alleys for old wood, starting to run low! 16''x18&1/2'' (total) $1000 US.

Dirtball ,The Shiners & the Thrillbilly's soundtrack

2010-02-06T12:45:00.005-05:00

The other day , Hexter was out in the road , playin' speedbump , when a delivery truck swerved to miss him .
Of course it hit him anyway , he's a possum . Thanks to the advanced technology of his cuzzins , the Space-Possums,
he will be just fine . However a couple of boxes fell off of that selfsame truck , and the boys at the shop are now
in possession of some compacted discs , that they will let go of at a low low price.
We have : Turn Up The Barn , by Dirtball . Actually recorded in a barn in Goochland County , Va.
It was the last record Dirtball , Richmond , Va.'s premier purveyors of Hillbilly Soul,lived to make. Sadly they too were
hit by a truck , in 2000,AD.
Bonnie Blue ,is by the Shiners ,the well-ridden , but short-lived band that Me (Wes) & Jyl, cobbled together after Dirtball.
Bonnie Blue was our (the Shiners) first record.
The Thrillbillys soundtrack - the music from the rednecksploitation masterpiece by AcademyAward-winning* filmmaker,
Jim Stramel.Features songs by the Shiners , Drive-By Truckers , Trailer Bride , Angry Johnny & the Killbillies, and more.
Quantities are limited ( it was a small box), so ketch as ketch can.
$12 each , or all 3 for $30. That includes shipping . Oh yeah , WE NOW ACCEPT PAYPAL. Gracias.
*not THAT academy

Johnny Cash & Waylon Jennings prints , ARE HERE!!!

2009-12-26T15:04:00.006-05:00

These are a couple of Christmas commissions, so the originals are spoken for . BUT , I'm having prints made , in the giclee
process( same as Monument Valley prints ). They will be LTD. Editions , of 50 each . $65 includes (US) shipping, in a tube.
The prints are here , signed & numbered & ready for love. Have at it.

Amsterdam , again...

2009-12-21T14:06:00.003-05:00

Some days the magic works , some days it doesn't . For whatever reasons , the deal fell through on the original artwork for the
Amsterdam Paradiso show . There was a lot of interest in this piece ( everbody LOVES them some Amsterdamn),
so if you missed it on the first go 'round , here's a second chance . Still looks the same , still $1100.
Holler at us at freed@mindspring.com if you're interested .

Happy Midwinters Day !

2009-12-21T11:23:00.006-05:00

from all your friends at Willards Garage.
Also , best wishes for a swell Christmas , and a joyously
debauched new year !
Feliz Navidad , y anno nueva!

New Print '' Bandida & the Grievous Angel''

2009-11-26T22:52:00.003-05:00

12''x18'' , black& white ltd. ed. of 20 ,$50 each. To order see below,
(Hallowe'en Print)

Hallowe'en 2009 print

2009-11-26T12:02:00.003-05:00

Someone suggested that we make a full-size print of the Hallowe'en Greeting card we sent out .
And I thought , that's a good idea, so , the print will be an edition of 13 , which just seems right.
$60 check or MO , payable to Jyl , sent to :
the Freeds
1902 S. Battery Dr.
Richmond , VA. 23222,
will get you one . Also if you've bought stuff from us in the past , but didn't get a Hallowe'en card ,
and want one , just email us your address freed@mindspring.com
and I'll send you one . We got a LOT returned , because apparently there are a lot of Ramblin' men , & women
on our mailing list .
Y'all have a great Thanksgiving!!!

Flying Monkey emerges Victorious

2009-11-09T12:56:00.003-05:00

Thanks to all y'alls votes Billy's sacrifice was not in vain , he has won his family $300 of vet services from the coolest , and best
vet clinic around , Hanover Green . Thanky , Thanky ,Thanky!

MoonGalFace

2009-10-09T12:58:00.004-04:00

Hey ya'll , I hate thinkin' about Christmas in October as much as the next heathen , but timing is everything .
So if anyone might be thinkin' ''Say , one of those Moon face gals that Wes makes would make a good present
for everwho '' , this is the time to ax for one . They are fully endorsed by Skully , the White Squirrel of Crow Holler.
$150 , check or MO , payable to Jyl Freed ,to: the Freeds , 1902 S. Battery Dr. Richmond , VA. 23222
Feliz dias de los muertos , ya'll !

DBT poster art originals , SOLD except Amsterdam

2009-09-10T21:43:00.010-04:00

These watercolor/mixed media originals of DBT posters are all around 14''x 18'' , including the vintage 1948 2''x4'' frame .
They are $1100 each , which includes shipping in the lower 48 . And Tejas .The ones pictured w/out frames will have frames
I just haven't made those two yet .To reserve one for yourself , or for the DBT devotee in yer life , write us at : freed@mindspring.com
First come first served .
Mucha'bliged
Wes

Coal Country

2009-09-10T21:07:00.003-04:00

The good folks at the Sierra Club asked me to do a promotional poster for the VA. screenings of a new documentary about
Mountain Top Removal coal mining . www.coalcountrythemovie.com
They've made a real nice print of this piece , which will be available at the VA. screenings , and probably some others , in other states as well . If you are interested in one of the prints you can write us freed@mindspring.com
And we'll try to put you in touch with the right people. I've built a frame for the piece , which will be sold at auction , to benefit the Sierra Club at some point (once again , I'll try to keep you posted ).

Some Stuff I been Doin'...

2009-09-10T20:57:00.004-04:00

I did this m/c helmet for a tattooed pycho-billy warrior Goddess in Tejas . She loves her some black velvet bullfighters.

NEW RAMBLIN" MAN PRINT

2009-08-27T09:02:00.003-04:00

Several folks have asked after a print of the Ramblin' Man print from the website , but the original of that was sold before I made a print . So when someone requested a painting similar

to RM , I said yes , and this time I made a print . It is $70, which covers tube , s&h .

To order drop us a line at : freed@mindspring.com

2 new paintings , spoken for but new...

2009-07-25T11:02:00.003-04:00

A couple of commissions : a portrait of Rory Gallagher , and a Las Vegas themed work , for which I stole the title from
Cooleys song ''Checkout time in Vegas ''.

Metallic KO

2009-06-22T18:18:00.006-04:00

Just finished this piece , on an uncomfortable hunk of metal thats been seasoning out back .
''Why would Aliens visit our world anyway ? ''
Foolish human ! They are after half nekkid Hillbilly chicks in tricked out convertibles !
The Night Owl Knows!
Wierd Moon story's no#13 Saucer Folk
16''x12''x3''(deep) $600,U.S

Hang the Moon

2009-06-04T22:53:00.004-04:00

I've been makin ' a few of these for our friends kids , and thought , maybe I'd put them up here to see if anyone else was interested . This one is 18'' ( thats INCHES Spinal Tap fans ) in diameter , and

thats about the size they'll all be , unless someone wants one bigger , or smaller , of course.

They are plywood , ( half inch) painted & waxed like the acrylic on wood paintings .

And they will be $150 , and made to order ( I ain't gonna be settin' on a whole pile of these

things , I'm one at a timin' it here , not mass producin...) . So here it is , at least cats dig it .

Oh , &
they have an eye hook to hang 'em high ...

UPDATE ,Medicine Hat 2 SOLD

2009-06-04T20:52:00.002-04:00

Sorry it took so long to post that to this spot , which is for keeping the Page O' Freed

current. In spite of my shortcomings I shall endeavor to persevere ! halla lu ja, Hey!

Desert Witch Tequila , done.

2009-06-01T23:17:00.005-04:00

Here is Desert Witch Tequila , just waxed this afternoon . Acrylic on wood

12''x21'' , $800 . I wish I had more of this particular wood , because it aged

beautifully , and when sanded & waxed looks really cool.

Desert Witch Tequila (work in progress)

2009-05-31T21:09:00.003-04:00

This is what I'm workin' on right now . The wood of this frame is from the wall we tore down

( I'm getting a lot out of that renovation ). I was gonna paint the whole piece , but when I assembled the frame , and sanded it , the wood just was too sweet to cover up .

More when it's finished .

GRIEVOUS ANGEL III, ''I Seen It!'' SOLD

2009-05-27T20:48:00.002-04:00

Some fotos of the painting i finished last night , waxed & made pictures of this afternoon.

I love painting at night , in the summer , with

the windows open , and the frogs and crickets hollerin'. And the trains , the best of all

night-sounds . I heard one the other night , and it sounded like the opening note of a very

familiar song , i thought on it a moment, then realized that the train sounded-

''Like A Hurricane''. This piece is 28''x16'', & 3.25'' deep. Acrylic on wood, waxed.

GAIII is going to live in Canada .

Hazy Details From an Unfinished Piece

2009-05-24T02:34:00.009-04:00

After finishing several commissioned pieces ,I started working on a piece I had started thinking about a little while back .
The shape of the painting I was working on at the time seemed to lend itself to this idea , so when I had a chance , I built
a frame , so to speak , and started on this . These are some details , hazy at best . The painting is 28''x16'' . It features
Dixie , Bonnie & the Grievous Angel . So far .

''n-n-n-ninnys''Framed original watercolor

2009-05-12T18:08:00.007-04:00

This is the framed version of the print I introduced earlier. The Original , that is. The piece is 15.5''x18''
(with a 4.5% margin for error , plus or minus ) . This frame came out pretty cool , if i do say , It's made of
2''x4''s from our house , so they are 1948 vintage , a very good year for kiln-dried Southern Yellow Pine.
Here are some details ...^ up there that is , $450

''n-n-n-ninnys''

2009-05-09T14:36:00.004-04:00

Here is a ''vintage'' Hexter the Blood-Possum, Wild Tales of a Simple Life , panel that i just got around to printing.
It features the Space Possums , & Cousin Champ.Ltd. Ed. of 5 prints ,$70
The framed original of this print will be available as soon as I get around to making it happen ,prob'bly next week...
End of long-star-stellar-transmission,HEY!

HANK

2009-04-27T15:06:00.002-04:00

The original painting is no longer available , but i made some prints of this . 12''x18'', $65

are here...

2009-04-27T12:28:00.003-04:00

The Wide Open T-shirt is now available in black, $20. Also, the We Don't Lone Tools design is available in a Baby-doll design,
also $20.

New T-Shirts!!!

2009-04-27T12:26:00.000-04:00

Can't sleep , Clown'll Eat Me !

2009-04-27T12:05:00.003-04:00

Jyl came up with an idee for a cat bed for Chacho, based on, but not a faithful re-production of , the bed Homer once made
for poor wee Bart ...

We's Back...

2009-04-27T11:55:00.002-04:00

OK here's whats goin' on . I'm gonna be usin' this space to update the website(wesfreed.com) between major overhauls.Here is an
old WG watercolor that i just got around to framing. The frame is actually one of our old kitchen doors .

Willard's Is back...

2009-04-27T00:43:00.000-04:00

Rankin' Rob Takes on Daytona

2007-07-09T01:02:00.000-04:00

Due to ill health and general malaise at Willard's Garage, our dear friend Rankin' Rob has graciously stepped in to relieve us our common tatering duties. Thanks, Rob!!
+++++++++++

Hamlin and Stewart wreck each other out, Stewart lambastes young Hamlin, who looks like a deer in the headlights in his interview seconds later--he had obviously just watched or heard Smoke's tirade. Gibbs is at a critical point in the season. If he can't get Tony to look at the big picture for a few seconds during a race, if Hamlin is suddenly looking over his shoulder everytime the orange car with the red ass approaches, Gibbs could flunk the Chase. At least Hamlin has a few weeks and a points cushion to get his mojo back before the tournament.

Roush looks strong for the second half. Edwards pushed McMurray to the win and good vibes for all, and Kenseth always lurks. I expect McMurray and possibly Kurt Busch to knock out some of the current top 12 before it's set.

Gordon and Johnson both do everything they can to leave Kyle hung out the last few laps. Gordon in particular had the perfect opportunity to duck down and push Kyle the few feet he needed. I get it, the 24 and 48 were going for the win, but it was obvious that neither car could lead the draft all night long. The word is out, don't help the lame duck. Boosh the Younger minces no words about it in his post-race interview. If they both announce team specifics and sponsorships within the next month, I would not be surprised to see either driver finish out the year with the another team. If Kyle signs to drive the Bud car at DEI that might be a done deal. He may be a bug-eyed creep, but Kyle is fun to watch race. He makes things happen.

Did you hear Kyle Petty say that his Dad calls Kyle Busch the 'best natural driving talent since Tim Richmond'? Do I detect a not-so-subtle attempt to sell Kyle B on joining Bobby Labonte next season? Kyle Petty, by the way, is excellent on TV. He and Dallenbach compliment each other perfectly. I think he will be this generation's Buddy Baker in the booth.

Apropos of nothing, Dave Blaney was competitive all weekend but faded to his typical 23rd place consolation prize. CAT announced this week that they were 'disappointed' in their car missing races this year, and that they would be discussing extending their long-time deal at BDR in the coming months. Blaney drove it on the high line last night like he knows this could be it for his gig and even the team's fortunes.

Speaking of Midwestern hard luck cases--Johnny Sauter keeps showing up and racing, staying on the lead lap and in the field. In a lower profile season, he and Bootie would be a bigger story. The Yellow Freight car is always cheered loudly at Bristol, where Jimmy Spencer used to wheel it in the Busch Series. I'm close to predicting a shocking upset there next month.

Smoke, Hay-Pee & other random thoughts.

2007-05-16T15:53:00.000-04:00

Our good buddy and NASCAR liason Rankin' Rob came up with a couple of good ones I hadn't heard before- referring to Newman as "Ryandroid" especially tickled me. And then calling Kurt Busch "Boosh the Elder". "Boosh". Heh heh. I like it - first off, it sounds like "douche", and second it reminds me of the way hard-core Hoosiers pronounce "bush".

Just thought I'd share. We've come up with a few over the few years we've known each other, often cracking wise and riffing off of one another while making fun of various drivers. I'll have to dig through my archives to remember exactly how we came to refer to Martin Truex Jr. as Truexacoatl, but it had something to do with an hilarious scenario Rob created wherein Truex was driving under the influence of Peyote.

And speaking of things from South of the Border, did any of you catch Tony Stewart's radio show last night, where he said he loved Juan Pablo Montoya? He did clarify that it was not in the same way he "loved" Brittany Spears.

The things you find out about people when their guard is down, I swear! Cecil and I love Smoke, but after you've heard him prattle on about this and that for two hours at a time, you begin to realize he can be quite a dizzy dame when he's not careful.

I don't expect him to go all Kyle Petty on my ass and want to talk about Kierkegaard or something, but damn! Hearing him and Hay-Pee Montoya go on for 10 minutes about whether they'd fuck Brittany Spears pre-shaved head, post shaved-head, pregnant, 5 years ago, 2 years ago, 10 years from now.... that's kinda more than I want to know. And when they put Brittaney's money on the dresser, they moved on to Christina Aguilara and... dang, who was the other one? Lindsey Lohan, I think.

Sorry if I'm misspelling names here, but I stopped reading People magazine about the time I stopped going to beauty parlors. And by simply calling it a "beauty parlor", that should tell you it was a long-ass time ago. Mid '70s, or thereabouts. Before whatshisname, Vital Buffoon, had the "sa-LON" commercials.

So where was I....? Oh yeah, Smoke is kind of a shallow dope. Oh well, ya still gotta love 'im. He is what he is.

Goofy and entertaining. He and Montoya are two peas in a pod. That HayPee is one funny rascal - and English is his second language! I'll bet he's really a panic when he's speaking Columbian or whatever they speak down there.

Mother's Day at Darlington - The Dodge Avenger 500, May 13, 2007

2007-05-13T21:31:00.000-04:00

Well, I was kinda planning on slackin' off yet another week, but David Poole and Marty Snider kinda lit a fire under my ass last Monday during their Sirius radio show, Morning Drive. I tuned in at something o'clock just in time to hear them and their listeners assigning 1-4 stars rating the pre-race activities, which included, hmmmmm.... what do you think? That's right, the same shit Cecil & I have been doing for months now! Rating The Anthem singing, flyovers, command givin' .... I didn't hear anyone mention an invocation -- maybe that's taking it a bit far for them, we dunno. Nonetheless, I figured I'd best hurry up and beat them knuckleheads to the punch, and I don't mean Jerry.

I'm actually gonna breeze through this weeks, as there was little worth mentioning as far as pre-race hoopla, but definitely a few snarky comments to follow, so don't stop reading after the critiques!

OUR NATIONS COLORS: Weren't presented by anyone, the announcer, who we presume was rushed due to the race being rescheduled because of thunderstorms at the track last night. simply asked the crowd to turn their heads toward the off-camera flag in turn four before...

THE INVOCATION: which was given by Darlinton Raceway's Harold King. We noticed Mark Martin bowing his head to hide a giggle fit during the invocation, and couldn't help but wonder if it was because Mr. King sounds comically like John Boy & Billy Big Show 's curmudgeon at large, Robert D. Raiford. Who in turn sounds a lot like someone with a deep voice doing a really bad Jimmy Cagney impersonation. "You dirty rat, you...." (Which, by the way, Cagney never said in any of his movies.) The Big Show is right popular in a lot of the Charlotte area garages, and hosts John Boy & Billy have frequently had various drivers on their show over the last 20 years. We're given to understand that a lot of the race crews listen to JB & B's syndicated, comical redneckery in the shops every weekday morning. But back to Mr. King's invocation; aside from his humorous voice, coupled with a dry delivery, he was fine. Our favorite line was, "Lord, we ask your blessings on these loyal fans as they awaited patiently another NASCAR event."

I don't know why, but it always cracks us up when preachers talk to the Lord about NASCAR. We'll throw 2 or 3 stars Mr. King's way, what the heck?

THE NATIONAL ANTHEM: was sung by Lesa Hudson , who, we were told, had a #2 hit on the Christian Country Charts with her song, "Step Out in Faith". That's all well and good, but Miss Hudson fucking killed our National Anthem by rendering the song ala Willie Nelson and / or George Burns in a bored mood. You know what I mean, we've discussed this before. It's when they sing words all fast in little bursts, then pause awhile, then spit out a few more. And y'all know how much Aunt Dixie hates that herky-jerky fooling with cadence. It's fun for maybe one sing, when George Burns is clowning on "Moon River", or Willie just can't stand to do "Blue Eyes Cryin' In the Rain" the same way 50,000 nights in a row, but not for the Anthem of The United States of America.

As if that weren't bad enough, she also managed to get notey as well. The other cardinal sin of anthem singing. So all in all, she really screwed it up good. As Cecil said, "Sit on my Faith, Ms. Hudson!"

ONE STAR: from Willard's Garage, and we're just giving you that because you showed up sober and seem like a nice girl.

THE FLYOVER There wasn't one. It's a shame, but - rain delayed race on Mother's Day, you can't blame them.

THE COMMAND: was given by the mothers of a great many of the drivers, and was pretty much the same as any group of people yelling anything while using two or three microphones. Some of the ladies may have really belted it out and done a great job, but we'll never know. Sounded just like any group of moms hollering at a soccer game or sumpin'. Nonetheless, we'll give them the benefit of the doubt, and

FOUR STARS from Willard's Garage for giving birth to some of the finest race car drivers in the world, and enabling their sons to follow their dreams -- not to mention giving us countless hours of great entertainment.

Alrighty then!!!!! Now that we have that out of the way!! Let's get on to the shenanigans!

Let's start with my very favorite anecdote, which would be Greg Biffle's crew chief? Was it? Who was at the race today, doing his job, while his wife was home, waiting to give birth at any moment. That's how a racing wife should be, dammit!! And somebody on a race team! Take notes, Mr. & Mrs. Deeringhoff, take notes!

And then. Things overheard on the driver to crew radios on Sirius:

(and I apologize for not having the Lap #'s, I just wasn't that on top of things) --

Pee Paw Schrader: "Aaaaa FUCK! ....... pounded the wall!"
(By the way, the "Aaaa" part is pronounced like the "a" sound in the word "back".)

In the garage later, Schrader asked someone on his crew, "How many laps [left] Chip?"
"About 599. ....actually, one-o-nine." I'm sure it seemed like 599, though. Bless their hearts.

Hay Pee - or, Juan Pablo Montoya, -- is extremely talkative on his radio, and admirably adept at swearing in English. Apparently nobody told him you're not supposed to say "fuck" in NASCAR, even if it is on satellite radio, and eventually they replaced him with Clint Bowyer on his designated channel, after some of the following exchanges:

Donnie Wingo offered, "We can take out some wedge if you want."
JP: "Wedge doesn't do jack shit!! I don't know how bad it is fucked up, Donnie."

(after being hit by a white car - the 6? Probably? on pit road): "[several unintelligible words] FUCK!!"
crew member: "He's a fuckin' idiot!"

I again offer apologies for not knowing exactly who he was referring to at any given time, and we sure hope he gets another chance next week, but only if he continues to swear a lot.

That's about all I got, folks. Oh wait. I guess I should congratulate Jeff Gordon & his fans Rankin' Rob & Cecil's mumma.

Signing off.
Big Dix, signing off.

Clint Bowyer Looking for New Crew Chief?

2007-05-06T17:46:00.000-04:00

From WhoWon.com:

"For Whom the Wedding Bells Toll? They Toll for Dan … Bowyer’s crew chief Dan Deeringhoff will miss this weekend’s race at Talladega in lieu of his wedding. Deeringhoff will marry Sandy Bessey in a ceremony this Saturday at noon at Sandals Resort in the Bahamas. Bowyer’s NEXTEL Cup Series engineer Jeremy Bullins will call the race in Deeringhoff’s absence who will return to the top of the pit box next weekend in Richmond."

I think this blurb pretty much speaks for itself, but I can't resist voicing the obvious.

That must be some amazing pussy.

I caught the "announcement" sometime before the Talladega races, but haven't gotten around to commenting on that, as well as the pre-race stuff from 'Dega and Richmond, but this news just trumps all.

I'll tell ya what those bells are really tolling for: Dan Deeringhoff's career as a crew chief. As Cecil pointed out, Deeringhoff may get some "to his face" ribbing from Bowyer & the rest of his crew for being so pussy whipped that he'd miss Talladega to get married, and he most likely replied something to the effect of, "Well, yeah... but you only get married once, from now on everything else is back to normal, and no more missing races because of my extraordinarily hot wife." But I agree with Cecil, who said if she's hot enough that he'd agree to miss Talladega for a Spring Wedding in the Bahamas, (...uhhhh... Dan? It's always nice in the Bahamas, you really coulda done it in December or January....), then she is PLENTY hot. Hot enough that you need to be worrying about her gettin' some on the side when you're at the shop late all week long, and at the track all weekend long.

If she don't give enough of a shit about racing that she'd make you miss Talladega for your fucking wedding, she sure as hell ain't gonna be in the pit-box with you 36 weekends a year. Oh hail no! And Cecil also noted that "They have a Chapel in the infield of Talladega."

Buddy, you're screwed. Bless your heart. Sincerest condolences from Willard's Garage, mate. Any gal who would knowingly marry a (nearly) top-level crew chief, then require him to miss Talladega so she can marry him, is going to be higher maintenance than all the cars at RCR put together. You'll never get to Cup full time making those kinds of calls. I'm sorry to be the one to break it to you in such a cruel manner, but if you think it hasn't been said behind your back by everybody in the garage, you're living in a fantasy world. Enjoy it while you can, dude.

Best of luck to you, Dan. Congratulations on bagging what must be one amazing girl, and HEARTIEST congrats on winning the Busch race in Richmond!! Don't get too cocky (no pun intended), don't let yourself get distracted, and keep up the great work!!

Subway Fresh Fit 500- Phoenix, AZ, April 20, 2007

2007-04-22T02:40:00.000-04:00

"Lapse O'Luxury" by Wes Freed. copyright. (click on image to see it LARGE )

+++Sorry for any typos or grammatical errors guys. It's late, I'm lazy & about half cross-eyed. Enjoy your Sundays "off", try not to "do something constructive", and just lay on the couch & drink beer all day!+++

It's kind of aggravating to see Jeff Gordon beat Tony Stewart. I can't get too emotional about it for some reason, guess I'm just relieved Jimmie Johnson didn't win, and it did turn out to be a pretty good race, overall. More aggravating for me, I think, is having too many options for my viewing and listening pleasure. Ten driver/spotter/crew channels on Sirius radio, five dedicated driver channels on Direct TV, and then FOX, of course. And then my perpetually Lupus-fogged brain to try to sort it all out.

But enough of that! There are kids starving the world over, it's shameful that I complain of such bounty at all!!

We heard Rousch was grousing after the race about the COT - or "The Wing Ding", as Mojo Nixon calls it, and it's lack of ability to pass. He claimed that other than Denny Hamlin, most everyone else had trouble passing. Or maybe he meant most everyone who wasn't a Chevy. I did notice that most everyone who started at or got stuck behind about 30 seemed to stay pretty well rooted in the exact same position for looooooooooooong stretches of time, and if they did move around, it wasn't by much.

Since I like a lot drivers that typically spend a fair amount of time in the back, I do a lot of banner-scanning for position , and it seems to me there's usually a great deal more switching of positions in the last 25 or so drivers. They may never make it to the front 25 at all, but they do tend to scoot around amongst themselves more. And God forbid that any of the stations that air races spend more time focusing on the other racing that goes on instead of showing us a minute solid of one single car zipping around by itself... Lord that's aggravating!! We all know there's all kinds of interesting stuff that goes on in the back, it would be nice to see more of it. Even if it was only a little box in the corner of the screen that they turn on now & then for a few minutes at a time. It'd be better'n' nuttin' .

Well, David Ragan did his best to spice things up for a little while anyway. (He certainly added a lot of spice to the Busch race!! ) We really, really want to like that kid. He seems like a good egg, and he has a wonderful Georgia accent that's so endearing. But Smoke was spot on with the "dart without feathers" comment. That poor kid is worse than Johnny Sauter and Robby Gordon put together. We were momentarily amused by his mayhem when Pee-Paw Schrader asked his spotter, "Who started that?". His spotter replied, "You're not gonna believe this, but... David Ragan."

Schrader dryly shot back, "Yeah, that's kinda what I was gettin' at...." . Y'all probably recall Ragan's run-in with Pee-Paw last year which took Schrader - who was having a pretty good day- out of the race. Most memorable because Ragan is the only driver we can recall that made Schrader mad enough to have a hissy fit. He claimed he was only trying to "help clean up the track and help the NASCAR officials" when he got grabbed a long stretch of pipe from his wrecked vehicle and aimed it for the passenger side of the Six car as it tooled around the track under caution.

Poor Pee-Paw, BOY!! I mean, you really have to try hard to get him riled up.

Anywhooziedooles, let s get on with the pre-race critique, shall we?

OUR NATIONS COLORS: were presented by The Luke Air Force Base Honor Guard.

THE INVOCATION: was given, as always at Phoenix, by the PIR Chaplain, Ken Bowers. Bowers was quick, to the point, and informed us yet again that everybody said "Amen".

THE NATIONAL ANTHEM was sung by Josh Kelley , who had a Virginia Tech "VT" emblem temporary tattoo on his arm. I thought Josh did a very nice job in that he sang the song very straight (the way we like it), and did virtually nothing that was remarkable. He had to do that 1/2 sing, 1/2 whisper thing for the really low notes, which many singers opt to do, and I was okay with that. I was all ready to give him 3 and 1/2 stars out of 4 until Cecil said, "He didn't do anything wrong, I just didn't like it that much." Which made me think, "Yeah, neither did I." I mean, 3 1/2 is a pretty high mark - that should be reserved for somebody who did a great version that really made you feel Patriotic but maybe the made a couple of little boo-boos. But Josh didn't quite nail it to the wall, and he didn't really turn me on either, so:

THREE STARS from Willard's Garage.

THE FLYOVER: was again four F-16s from the Luke Air Force Base in Glendale, Arizona.

THE COMMAND: Oh dear, dear, dear. What a crushing disappointment. I was all excited about the command, because I had heard the other day that Subway's not-fat spokesman, Jared Fogle, was going to give it. Last year Jared completely wowed us not once, but twice before the Martinsville race. One because he completely surprised us by giving one of the best, loudest, most enthusiastic commands we've ever heard, and Two because he and Subway plugged Subway, as well as thanked the fans and the track in a pre-taped commercial that ran just before the station cut back to the track for the actual command, which consisted only of the words "Gentlemen, start your engines."

As it should be. Almost without exception.

Signing off.

D.B.

Phoenix Busch Race - Friday, April 20, 2007. Eliot Sloan

2007-04-21T00:26:00.000-04:00

Gosh, I still haven't gotten around to updated the section I set aside for last week's Busch race. Ol' Dix has been a tad bizzy, not to mention still disgusted with ESPN for sucking so much. However, this evening's Busch race reminded me that there are a few things I like about ESPN's coverage.

One is getting to see good ol' Alan Bestwick once in awhile.

Although I adore Dave DeSpain, I felt bad for Bestwick when SPEED kind of unceremoniously replaced him as host of "Inside Nextel Cup", after having had that gig for years. Bestwick also had a fun and unique rapport with his co-hosts, and we kind of miss the way he allowed them to run amok frequently in something akin to a NASCAR version of a Marx Brothers movie. Plus, unlike too much of the ESPN on-air talent for the Busch races, Bestwick knows a good bit about NASCAR and all it's players. ESPN has improved some, and from watching more of the weeknight show of theirs, they have quite a large stable of talking heads they choose from, and it seems about 50% of them have no business being there. Most of the rest are simply "acceptable" in their qualifications, and maybe 10% actually act like they know what they're doing.

The other thing we really, really like about ESPN's coverage is the way they start the races. (And also do re-starts.) The allow all the spotters to do it for them - all at the same time!! It's cool as shit hearing 43 voices say "Be ready. Beeee readddyyyyy", "Green, green, green!" , "Go, go, go!" etc., etc. , all at the same time. It's very exciting - really puts you in the mood and in the moment. It makes you feel very racy!! Aaaand, it beats the fuck out of D.W.'s tired old, "Boogity, boogity, boogity!". I'm really sick to death of that, but I don't know what else he'd do, so I'll stop gripin' !!

About that, anyway.

On to the pre-race ceremonies!!!

First off, "Thank You", and kudos to PIR for flying the Virginia Tech flag beneath our Nation's Flag on at least one flagpole. That was a very thoughtful gesture.

OUR NATION'S COLORS: Were presented by the Arizona National Guard. Thank you all very much.

THE INVOCATION: Was given by Ken Bowers, Chaplain of Phoenix International Raceway. Ken was fairly dry, as usual, but he does that snappy ending that I love, which is, "And then everybody said 'amen' . " I don't know why I like that, but I do. It's matter of factness tickles me.

OUR NATIONAL ANTHEM: was sung by Eliot Sloan of the band Blessid Union of Souls . Eliot did a very nice job, although it was pretty low key. Which we would much prefer to some of the misguided and manic renditions we've heard in the past. Mr. Sloan has a sweet voice, with just a smidge of gravel to it. Somewhere between tenor and baritone - he had to dig some for those first low notes. But overall he did a really nice job. Especially considering, as Cecil pointed out, that, "For somebody in a band called "Blessid Union of Souls" he showed remarkable restraint on the noodliness."

Which is true. He didn't add a whole lot of extra notes, and you barely noticed them anyway, due to his rather somber and sleepy rendering. He made it sound "Sad. And sexy." (That's a technical musical term. I've actually had a producer request that of me in the studio before - it's legit. ) He used five or six notes on the final "wave", which got under my craw about, but overall, we've heard much worse. So....

TWO AND A HALF STARS from Willard's Garage

THE FLYOVER: Four F-16's from Luke Air Force Base in Arizona. They were very cool, as always, and ESPN managed to both show them on the screen for a respectable amount of time, and credit them with a graphic on the bottom. Keep it up ESPN. Keep it up.

And thanks, of course, as always, to our military for taking the time for the display.

THE COMMAND: Was given by Ralph Woodward, who was credited on screen, but they failed to mention who he was affiliated with or what it was he did to earn the honor of being Grand Marshall of the race.

(Cough). Ralph was... let's say, a disappointment. He was kinda a big fella, very clean cut, looked kinda like a cross between Robby Gordon and William Shatner. Dockers and a polo shirt. He looked like somebody who would be loud and boisterous at a bar. So even though he put an "okay" amount of air behind his "Gentlemen, start your engines.", he disappointed us. Cecil said, "If he was at a Hooter's and his wings were taking too long, he'd yell at the waitress considerable louder than that, I concur. Therefore:

TWO STARS from all of us at Willard's -- and the only reason he's getting two is because we've heard some pretty darned pussified commands from Mr. Woodward's ilk over the past few years.

Throughtout the coverage they focused on the murders at Virginia Tech a good bit, and made a point to talk to all the drivers and crew members who had Virginia ties. Which we thought was very nice. But why no Ward Burton? SPEED talked to Ward about it - bein's how he's running a big VT on his car and all. And bein's how he's the only driver who REALLY still lives in Virginia. And bein's how he's even on Virginia's Game & Inland Fisheries Board and heavily involved with the state in many other ways.

(Heavy sigh.) Oh well. We all know why they didn't show our buddy Ward. Didn't have a translator. They'll talk to Montoya all day long, but just can't handle Ward's accent.

Pussies.

Oh yes, and one more leeeeeeetle bitty gripe I have is that they're not creative with their bumper music. They seem to be stuck in an Aerosmith groove, and much as I like old Aerosmith, there is so much great music out there that would be just awesome as bumpers for a race (...wait, I did hear the strains of the intro to Flock of Seagulls "I Ran" at one point, and they played Foghats "Slow Ride" a lot. Slow Ride???? WTF??) that it almost seems like it would be more of a chore to resist picking out some cool, racy tunes.

Enough bitchin' for tonight - tomorrow will be long day! Congrats to Clint Bowyer!!!! Way to go, ya knucklehead!! No need to comment on Kenseth and Burton, I don't think. ;)

Concerning Flyovers

2007-04-16T21:33:00.000-04:00

A-10 Warthogs

A-10 Thunderbolts

This morning there was a comment left by someone who called themselves, "Fighting For Your Freedom at Barksdale" that really hurt all of our hearts at Willard's Garage. They didn't appear to be a blogger member, so we don't know how to contact them privately - but if any of you might know who they are, and could send them an email telling them we are offering up an explanation and apology for their benefit, as well as the benefit of any other member of our Armed Forces who might have misundertood a little sarcastic comment Aunt Dixie made early this a.m., we'd all be most appreciative if you could direct them back to Willard's for this. Also please let them know that they can contact me personally via the email link over at the left if they have any more gripes with me, and I'll do my best to make things right.

We've had a few new readers of late, and didn't dawn on me that some of them wouldn't be familiar with my previous posts, or the somewhat wacky - but sincere- views we hold about being respectful to the ceremonies of honoring our country and those who represent it. And being talky like I am, I doubt any of the new readers have the time or inclination to go back through the pages of archives to get a feel for where we at Willard's Garage stand on anything. So for "Fighting For Your Freedom at Barksdale", I thank you again for your service, and have collected *some* of my past commentaries on how aggravated we get when the flyovers ARE NOT credited for you to peruse in order to see that we're not a buncha shallow, Unpatriotic Lunatics. We're just regular everyday lunatics. The photos above are some of the ones we've had up above blog posts in the past, because they're cooler than photos of race car drivers.

Submitted for your approval:
_____________________________

From: "ESPN Needs to Stop Sucking!!- Soon!!", posted March 01, 2007-

The broadcasts of the Busch races blow, too, sad to say. NBC was notorious for not showing flyovers, or not crediting the various Air Force bases who went waaaaay yonder out of their way to put on a 30 second show for attending fans and the national television viewing audience, but they didn't do it every time, and they'd often try to squeeze in a replay -sometimes with credits- at some point during the race. But these fucktards at ESPN just don't seem to get the importance of the flyover.

From: "The Kobalt 500 Nextel Cup Race- Coo'lanta", posted March 19 , 2007

THE FLYOVER Ai yi yi!! Well, ABC got it right last week. But FOX, with the "help" of ESPN fucked up again. ::::::Le sigh. Now, they did actually show the four black helicopters - a couple different times, in fact. But there was no credit given what-so-fucking-ever. GOD DAMMIT!! I hate those guys!! Hate 'em!!! This is our military. They spend millions of taxpayer dollars advertising on a whole big, fat bunch of these race cars. And a not inconsiderable amount of money having these magnificent young men and women actually fly these amazingly cool aircraft over all of the NASCAR races. So WHY? WHY IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS AMERICAN AND JUST AND GOOD can these fucktards at ESPN not manage to get one of their HUNDREDS of computer geeks who work in the A.V. department type out a few words to put at the bottom of the screen to acknowledge our military? That irks me more than just damn near any other mistakes those people make. Lord it makes me hot.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrr. Well, there were a total of four super-duper cool black helicopters. One appeared to be a Black Hawk, and I don't know what the other three were. Or where any of them were from or what they called themselves or anything.

FIVE STARS for the cool choppers and those who flew them.
SUCK MY DICK!!!!!! To FOX and ESPN for not being able to get their shit together.

From: "The Sony HD 500", posted Sept. 03, 2006-

THE FLYOVER; Definitely the high mark of the show.

Two beautiful F117-Nighthawks that were so awesome they actually made the crowd cheer for a moment during Miss MYA's miasmatic vocal wanderings.

From: "The Emerson Radio 250, Richmond, VA", posted Sept. 09, 2006-

THE FLYOVER: Hello????? TNT??? Anybody awake over there? We taped The National Anthem so we could go outside and watch the flyover from our backyard, bein's how we're 1.5 miles from RIR. We saw two helicopters in the distance. Later we saw them on the video tape, but nobody bothered to mention what they were or where they came from.

From: "The Chevy Rock and Roll 400", posted Sept. 09, 2006-

THE FLYOVER: F-16 Fighting Falcons led by Bobby Sandford of the Virginia Air National Guard. THIS. WAS. COOL. And finally TNT gave them credit both onscreen and verbally, even mentioning who lead the squadron and that it would be the last flyover by the F-16s, as they're being replaced by F-22s. Cooler yet was that they buzzed our house not once, but twice!!! I love it when military aircraft fly over our house, but it's only twice a year that I know for sure when they're going to do it, so I can go out and watch for them.

From: "The Sylvania 300, Loudon, NH", posted Sept. 18, 2006-

THE FLYOVER: Four A-10 Warthogs from the New Hampshire Air National Guard. Very cool. And guess what? They were about the only people involved that got a banner at the bottom of the screen identifying them. Okay TNT, we'll take it. If you can only give credit once, let it be for the military. I still think you suck, though.

From: "Atlanta Motor Speedway Nextel Cup Race ", posted Oct. 29, 2006-

THE FLYOVER: One magnificent B-52 StratoFortress out of Barksdale Air Force Base, Louisiana.
Most impressive. Even the name is totaly bad ass.

From: "The Other End of Vegas", posted March 12, 2007-

THE FLYOVER: 5, count 'em, 5!!! Thunderbirds! Gawd I love those things!!!! Yeeeehaw! No credits given on screen or on air - Can anyone tell us why one of the five planes dove down and the remaining four shot straight up & hot dogged? Was that a variation on a missing man formation or something?

TMS Samsung 500:Burton & Kenseth Do It Again!!, Mercy Me!!

2007-04-16T07:32:00.000-04:00

Our Race Winners and The Kid.
Oh. Wait. Ooops!

Here it is!! Win, Place & Show, Jeff Burton and Matt Kenseth with their racing mentor, Mark Martin.

The Man Who Should have Been Grand Marshall.

++++++++++++++
Okey dokey. Man y'all!!! Was that an eventful race day or what???!!! Hell, it was just a big week! Jeeze, I can't believe I'm gonna "waste space" by critiquing all the pre-race entertainment, but if we don't do it, who will? ESPN2? I don' teeeeenk sooooooo . They kinda remind me of Kyle Busch. Except ESPN seems to pack up and go home before the race starts, whereas Kyle at least waited until he'd run around the track a few times first.

Congrats to Jack Roush for a 1-2-3 finish. Oops. Sorry Jack. Too bad it ain't 2005 again.

Well congrats at least to South Boston, VA's own Jeff Burton for a delightful win, and thanks also to his best girl, Matt Kenseth, for a squeakin' close second and a helluva great show during the last few laps. Damn, the last couple years those two have been like two peas in a pod at any given point during a race - always racin' near one another & helpin' one another out. Admit it though, what we love most is watching them reach those breath-taking, last lap climaxes together - one coming over the line just hundredths of a second after the other! When's the last time that happened to you? Don't tell me!! But do keep a checkered flag handy on y'all's bedposts for the next time it does happen. Matt and Jeff are becoming a regular Mutt and Jeff. Or Siegfried and Roy, I'm not sure which.

I could go on about how Dale Jr. hopped in the "missing" (read: sulking) Kyle Bush's car, or how Hay-Pee and Smoke "went all Hay-Pee and Smoke on one another", or even some of Tony Stewart's cryptic post race comments -- but I reckon you boys probably have that ground covered in your blogs. .....On with the show!!

+++++++++++++

THE INVOCATION: Given by the Texas Motor Speedway Chaplain Rev. Dr. Marsh Boy he was swell!! I swear I think he was trying to imitate Ricky Bobby's "grace" speech from Talladega Nights, right down to Will Ferrell's voice and inflections. "Heavenly Father, we thank You for this incredibly gorgeous day,... etc., etc, ... In Your Name, cute, cuddly, yet omniscient 8lb, 6oz., Lord Baby Jesus."

Nice job Dr. Rev - you made that Invocation your bitch! (Hand to God, he really did sound just like Ricky Bobby...)

THE NATIONAL ANTHEM was sung by a Christian band that appears to be currently based in Texas and goes by the name of Mercy Me . I checked out their Wikipedia entry and it made some vague reference to some of the boys meeting one another on an overseas "mission" - I presume Christian - but it clearly infers right at the top of the page that one of them is a member of the Irish Republican Army. WTF? Heh. Jinxy?!!?! ( Hogan!?! ) You been foolin' with other peoples's wikis again? Naughty, naughty Jinxy!!

Alrighty. So, ya got these six pleasant looking but slightly scruffy young fellars all lined up in front of one microphone. Much like the Anthem Vocalists before the Busch race, they chose a rather conservative arrangement that leaned more towards 'hymny' and less toward 'marching band instrumenty'- which was fine by us. The harmonies were fairly close- nobody taking any ludicrously high or low notes, and nobody got mellifluous on us. No extra, unnecessary notes; and unlike their unbrushed hair, not a note out of place. But hey! That ain't their faults! How were they supposed to know they were going to be on television?! Hell, ESPN doesn't bother showing the bands.... why would FOX?

I thought their arrangement sounded perilously close to a Christmas Carol, and less "bandy" than Saturday's Little Texas version, but it was still right purdy, and made more sense once I Wiki'd them and read about them bein' a Jesus Band and all. Cecil's only complaint was that, "the singer who looked like Rutledge should've taken one step back from the mic so we didn't have to hear every breath he took." That said, they still get

THREE STARS from Willard's Garage.

THE FLYOVER was one single B-52 from Barksdale Air Force Base in Louisiana - and y'all won't believe this, but those LUNATICS at FOX showed this jet 3 times during the singing of our National Anthem - and then showed it yet again when they came back from the commercial break and actually printed its credentials at the bottom of the television screen. They've gone mad over there! MAD! I TELL YOU!!! They're going to spoil the boys and girls in our Armed Forces. Next thing you know all of our soldiers, sailors and pilots are gonna want their props during every race. Sheesh!

THE COMMAND Whoo boy. The command. Well, apparently, the jolly wrassler, Stone Cold Steve Austin has a new movie called The Condemned that needs promoting, so he was the race's Grand Marshall yesterday. We like ol' Stone Cold alright, but I'm not afraid to say his command was a bit weak - especially for a big old boy like him. Hulk Hogan -- now That Guy knows how to give a command!! Austin's was less of a commanding shout, and more of a very laid back growl - which he preceded with, "The bottom line is...."

What the hell is that supposed to mean? We figured it must be a catch phrase of his in the squared circle, or maybe from his new movie. I dunno. Either way, it was unnecessary, and if he was trying to sound menacing it didn't work. Cecil said he expected more from someone with such lung capacity and to "Call him when the growl becomes a roar." He also said if they was gonna have a wrassler, they shoulda got Blackjack Mulligan, but I reckon he didn't have anything to sell this week.

ONE STAR from Willard's Garage. And a special "Underachievement Award".
+++++++++++++++

PS- a big congrats to the reigning points leader, The Wonder Boy Himself, and his new crew chief, who Cecil refers to as "The Vampire LeTarte".
-and-
We watched all the post race shows, but nobody showed footage of Jeff Burton shootin' off the pistols - what's up with that? He did eventually don the Stetson, but seemed reluctant to even do that. Maybe his big brother taught him that you should never just shoot a gun straight up into the air for no reason. Or maybe he didn't want to seem like a show off and "rub it in" in front of his best buddy, who he just beat the snot out of. Or maybe he just thought it was kind of queer. I kinda do. The trophy is a tad unnattractive as well. As Cecil said, it kinda looks like something you'd find at a yard sale at Robert Redford's fishing lodge.

Texas Busch Race or ESPN2 Still Sucks

2007-04-16T05:31:00.000-04:00

Ah phooey! I'll get to this when I'm done writing about The Big Race. I'm sure ESPN won't mind if I blow off writing about how much their coverage sucks for a day or so... Takes Slack to Know Slack...

Feel free to start leaving comments on it, though, if you like.

I feel bad for the lady tennis players who didn't get any post-game attention after what appeared to be a very intense match.

Get Angry.

2007-04-13T22:10:00.000-04:00

Since qualifying was rained/tornadoed out today, I thought I'd share another awesome band with y'all. Allow me to introduce you to Angry Johnny & the Killbillies . They played here in Richmond last night and totally kicked my ass, emotionally, mentally and physically. They always do. And I love every minute of it.

Besides being America's Greatest Living Murder Balladeer, Angry is also an amazing and prolific artist. And a dear friend of the boys here at Willard's Garage, as are the rest of The Killbillies, who are also big racing fans. We always enjoy getting to the club early so we can gossip about the latest NASCAR hoop-de-doos with drummer extraordinaire, Sal Vega and bassist Jimmy Rat Fink. or sometimes bassist, Slabs, or other bassist, Loud Ernie. (Loud Ernie's by the way, recording one of the other greatest racing songs ever with his band Broker . It is simply titled, "Stock Car Racing", and it kicks as much ass as Loud Ernie does. Which is a lot.

And I would be remiss in failing to tell you that the lead instrumentalist, Goatis T. Ovenrude, does shit with a mandolin that you just have to see to believe. People, he can play traditional bluegrass mando just fine, but when needed (and it often is needed....), he makes that fucking thing sound just like Neil Young's Old Black Gibson. Like a goddam Hurricane - no shit. He blows EVERYBODY'S minds. He once won a guitar playing contest in North Carolina - playing the fucking mandolin. You heard me. Goatis went up against about a thousand of the most rockin' guitar slingers in the Mid-East and came out Winner and Champeen using a fucking mandolin. Just think about that for a minute. The kid can jam.

So y'all check out Angry while Aint Dixie takes another nap, Cecil's been nursing me back to health all day, but it's been an uphill battle.... I'll see y'all after the Busch Race tomorrow (if it happens). Meanwhile:

GET ANGRY, DAMMIT!!

For the Edification of Rev Jim

2007-04-07T08:49:00.000-04:00

I happened to notice on Rev. Jim's profile that he likes them damn (grin) jam bands. For mainly for you, Jim, to broaden your musical horizons, not to mention introduce you to the Greatest Living Performing Rock Band on the Planet, Drive-by Truckers , I present you with a few nuggets that can also be found in the archives.

If it helps to "sell" you on this band, their manager also handles another favorite band of yours, them String Cheese guys. And Widespread Panic are friends of Drive-by Truckers also. Actually helped them finance one of their earlier records, because they're nice guys like that.

And just to upsell these fantastic musicians and songwriters a tad more, the folks at Jack Daniel's Distilleries thought enough of them to put them on Blaney's race car for a Cup Race in 2005. I'd like to tell you who the "other, much more famous band" who got "bumped" offa that ride was, but the statute of limitations ain't up yet.

I'm a tad too closely affiliated with their music to make reasonable recommendations for a new fan, but maybe Rankin' Rob or Alastair can steer you one way or another.

One thing is for sure, you need to get a copy of their song "Steve McQueen" - an homage to all the things most of us hold dear. Lyrics below, with my favorite lines highlighted.

STEVE MCQUEEN
Steve McQueen Steve McQueen
When I was a little boy I wanted to grow up to be
Steve McQueen Steve McQueen
The coolest doggone motherscratcher on the silver screen

I’d drive real fast everywhere no one would ever catch me
and I’d kick your ass if you pissed me off so be careful what you ask me
and I’d never have an empty bottle or an empty bed
and as cool as Paul Newman is I bet Steve could whup his head

Steve McQueen............................

Bullitt was my favorite movie that I’d ever seen
I totaled my go-cart trying to imitate that chase scene
That Duster had six hubcaps, know what I mean
and I love the way they all flew off when it landed in that ravine

Steve McQueen............................

I really loved The Getaway back when I was eight
that pussy Alec Baldwin sucked in the remake
and speaking of pussy, I guess Steve got it all
He fucked Faye Dunaway and he fucked Ali McGraw

Steve McQueen Steve McQueen
When I was a little boy I wanted to grow up to be
Steve McQueen Steve McQueen
The coolest goddamn mothefucker on the silver screen
(yee-haw)

(suddenly the scene turns slow and somber, as a campfire harp plays in the background)
I went to see The Hunter on my first date
The Hunter was the last movie Steve McQueen lived to make
They took my drivers license when I was just sixteen
the year Mesothelioma killed Steve McQueen

Steve McQueen Steve McQueen
When I was a little boy I wanted to grow up to be
Steve McQueen Steve McQueen
The coolest goddamn mothefucker on the silver screen
(yee-haw)

lyrics by Patterson Hood
music by Drive-by Truckers (Cooley, Hood, Howell, Lane, Neff, Stacy)
©1998 Soul Dump Music
dedicated to my grandfather W. M. Patterson
(Mesothelioma is a rare cancer of the lining of the lung caused by exposure to asbestos. It’s mortality rate is known to be extremely high.)
_________

I should also add that The Drive-by Truckers have written one of the greatest racing songs ever, that being Daddy's Cup - and songwriter Mike Cooley was given the deck lid of one of those #07 cars as a gift from Richard Childress himself. Signed by Dave Blaney. I believe he uses it as a headboard in his master bedroom.

EXTRA! EXTRA! This just in!!!

2007-04-05T10:23:00.000-04:00

Guess who makes a cameo in the Tarantino/Rodriguez collaboration "GRINDHOUSE"????

I'll give you some hints. Here are some famous quotes this very wealthy and very funny man has said:

“Robby Gordon has a tremendous amount of talent, but when he pulls the helmet over his head, he knocks some sort of switch that makes him an idiot.”

“I gave Robby an unlimited budget
for Indy and he managed to exceed that.”

“"In racing you've got to be pretty, and some of these guys you can't dress 'em up, Sponcers want someone "that can juke and jive. He has to go to into the boardroom and talk to the people. There are a lot of drivers out there today, their career is pretty much history because they have no marketability."
You can't make 'em pretty. You can't drink 'em pretty, either. The difference between a 1 and a 10 is a light switch away, well that doesn't work with a race car driver. You can't turn the lights out."”

"Life is like a sandwich of sh*t and everyday you take a bite.”

“In business I want to be a pig because pigs get fatter and hogs gets slaughtered.”

Still can't guess? His character's name is "Dr. Felix". He's Cuban. And he's a nut.

Tarantino says he wants to put Carl Edwards in a movie. Fuck that shit. Felix Sabates is the man.

If any of you could pick two NASCAR drivers that you think would be COOL in a Tarantino or Rodriguez movie, I'd love to know who they might be.

When I first presented this hypothetical situation to Cec, we both immediately thought the same thing: Ward Burton doing a cameo as a gas station attendent. And we mean that with nothing but love.

PS- One More for NASCAR in Australia-Shave That Monkey & Teach it to Hunt...

2007-04-05T08:49:00.000-04:00

"....He Has a Monkey..." by Wes Freed 2005

Round about 2005 me 'n' Cecil decided we didn't hate Tony Stewart all that much after all. He kinda grew on us. Like back hair.

Usually Cecil is so busy painting pictures for other folks, he don't have time to do something fun for me, but I begged him to do a painting of NASCAR driver Tony Stewart's Patas monkey, Mojo riding a greyhound dog. Cuz, yanno, that's funny, I don't care who ya are. Monkey ridin' a dog- that's funny. Smoking a cigar woulda been better, but we didn't know if that would fly with all the PETA folks...

Like we give a butt flying monkey's fuck.

Anywhooziedoodles - Cec made the painting, and it sat around the house for AGES!!! Nobody wanted the damn thing. Oh sure, we had hundreds of inquiries, but nobody actually bought it.

Until we got a letter from this sweet gal in where????? you ask? That'd be your Australia. Seems her little boy loves animals, rescues greyhounds (just like Smoke), and he loves him a monkey. So we sold "He Has a Monkey" to this lovely family in... Brisbane, I think....

Turns out, too, that they'd never heard of Tony Stewart, but now they know. And they got a painting of a little monkey with an orange #20 shirt on, racing a greyhound. All's well that ends well.

For Our Friends Down Under

2007-04-05T07:21:00.000-04:00

First off boys...(and let's face it, there ain't no girls reading here, it's just you and me, guys...) ...thanks to each and every one of you for the sympathy for me feeling crappy & all. I really appreciate it. I'm not big on pity parties, although I do love to say, "Patty Petty Pity Party" - meaning NO OFFENSE WHATSOEVER to the Petty Family, who totally kick ass in every way. It's just fun to say "Patty Petty Pity Party". Try it out loud one time.

See?

I'm taking time off from NASCAR to pay homage to our new friend and common tater from New Zealand, ABAT a.k.a. Alastair, who is an amazing artist - I'll link to his dink real soon so y'all can see. And also to another like-minded bubba from Australia, that being Clinton Walker who wrote a little book we all need to seek out, titled: Golden Miles: Sex, Speed and the Australian Muscle Car by Clinton Walker.

It's funny how we meet folks around here. A lotta times it's through Cecil's artwork that he does for the world's greatest rock band, The Drive-by Truckers, So imagine our surprise when Mr. Walker contacted us from Australia, looking to buy a print or so from WesFreed.com . For those of you who haven't "wiki'd" Clint yet, among his many accomplishments, he is the premiere chronicler of Australian rock music.

Which both Cecil and I have had a great interest in, since the early days of Nick Cave's fledgeling band The Boys Next Door to AC/DC and all in between.

But it was The Golden Miles title that really caught my fancy. So here's to our new friends on both sides of the equator. Muscle cars is muscle cars. There's gearheads everywhere. Rednecks, too!!

Part of this misguiding meandering is based on me having a fucking GIANT HARD ON (figuratively -- as far as any of y'all know...) for the upcoming movie Grindhouse, which claims to have the greatest car chase scenes since Bullitt, Maybe. I've seen some of the previews, and it looks AWESOME.

Martinsville Nextel Cup

2007-04-03T12:56:00.000-04:00

Okay folks, we're gonna cut to the chase with the singings and all so we can get back to the gossiping of who's "zoomin' who", as Aretha once said way, way back in the day.

OUR NATIONS COLORS were presented by The Virginia National Guard. Thank you, all of you, Ladies and Gentlemen, for your service.

THE INVOCATION by Tim Byrd of Raceway Ministries

OUR NATIONAL ANTHEM played by Martinsville Middle School Band Leader, B.J. Norris

THE FLYOVER by two F-16s from Lochland Air Force Base

THE COMMAND was given by THE KING, Richard Petty

I'll add more later, folks. I just suffered a sinkin' spell. This Lupus can be a real booger in the Springtime.

Comment away, though. I swear when I get to feelin' better I'm gunna try to get caught up with all you boys's blogs, meantime I hope yer enjoying your springs! We got a couple weeks off - to quote Dale Jarrett: "That'd be good."

Truckity, Truckity, Truckity, Boys, Can We Please FINALLY Put DW in a Home?

2007-04-01T04:12:00.000-04:00

Really. Since the Truck Race was on FOX today, the 86'd Mikey and put in D.W., who, I swear, gets more heavily medicated every year, and he starts the race with "Truckity, truckity, truckity, boys - let's go tailgatin' !!!"

Fuck man. Maybe Mikey isn't the gay one after all. Phhhhhfffftttt! Let's all donate a buncha money to the Christian Network and see if they can't pay DW enough to be on their channel all the time so we can put somebody else in his spot for racing, cuz we're about all the way over old DW.

Bless his heart. He's gotta go.

THE NATIONAL ANTHEM: Was performed so, so beautifully by The Martinsville Jazz Brass Band. Five boys that played such a beautiful, perfect, respectful arrangement it brought tears to my eyes. I'm not jokin'. Cecil loved it, too. We both prefer bands performing The Star Spangled Banner, but sometimes they get a little weird or ambitious with the arrangements, but these young men nailed it.

FIVE OUT OF FOUR STARS nice job, boys.

THE COMMAND Was given by Christian Anderson, who was about a goofy, Napoleon Dynamite lookin' kid, but God Damn if he didn't give the best command we've heard all fucking year. He actually did it a whole lot like Adam Sandler did a couple years back - which was way fun and cool and loud and great - so:

FOUR STARS from everyone at Willard's Garage. Way to go, kid. You're a super freak. Super freak.

Food City 500 - Bristol, March 25, 2007

2007-03-27T20:50:00.000-04:00

(Streeeeeeeeeeeetch.) Ho hum. Oh me. Late start this week, eh? Busy day already at Willard's - had our first customer at 6:30am. Little Bavarian girl. Had a Honda Dream that needed work. Paid us in Deutcsche Marks er sumpin'. Heckuva nice gal, though. Guten Tag, to you too, Fraulein!

So. Bristol. Hm. Whazzit just us, or was it not quite as exciting in past years? Maybe it was - it kinda seems to me like every year I keep thinking, "Isn't this supposed to be more exciting?" and then right at the end - during the third encore, BAM!! "Moon River"!!!! -- oh wait. That was an Andy Williams show at Branson...

I mean, during the last three laps - WHAMMO! We got us a dog fight! And this year was no different. Once again we see Jeff Burton and Kyle fucking Busch duking it out for the second time this year. And damn if the biggest surprise wasn't that Busch didn't wreck old Jeff. Or vice versa. Which - yanno - you wouldn't expect from Jeff. But Briscoe Darlin would say - and many of the fans agreed - "He had a legal right."

Much as I despise those Busch kids, I'll give Kyle this much: that kid can save a car from wrecks that only a small handful of other drivers could. Probably because he's had so damn much practice, cuz that kid can wreck all by himself. We've seen it happen thousands of times. Even during testing. So Burton did give Busch a gentle noodge to push him outta the way, knowing that it was fully within Busch's capacity to save it. The Kid did save it, and went on to win the race fair and square.

It makes me sick to death to see a Burton lose to a Busch, but Kyle seems to be picking up on the Martin Martin school of racing, and if it were to stick (I don't see that happening...), I'd be happy. He seems to have a slightly higher IQ than his big brother, but only time will tell if he'll adapt to that style of racing permanently. And what the hey, Jeff's still only 3 points behind Championship Points Leader Jeff Gordon, so we go that going for us.

Which is nice.

So on the the pre-race ceremonies.

THE INVOCATION : given by the Reverend Mike Rife? Wright? -(who knows, the still lame ABC/ESPN neglected to credit him in print onscreen.) From The Van Zant ? Church of Christ in Van Zant?, Virginia. (We'll go 'head and say "Van Zant", since comic/musician Tim Wilson claims to be a "Skynyrd Baptist, so it kinda fits with that theme.) It was short and sweet, and Rev. Mike sounded a good bit like Mr. Haney from Green Acres; so that was a bonus.

THE NATIONAL ANTHEM sung pretty ably by Mercury Recording Artist Billy Currinton would have been perfectly fine. EXCEPT that instead of singing the prescribed "Oh say can you see", he sang "Whoah-ho say can you see". I'm sorry, that ought to be an automatic forfit, but we'll just take one full point away for that, and then another one for later when he said "Whoah-ho say does that...." later on. Doofus. Other than that, and the extra few notes he used on "wave", which he actually did fairly tastefully - tastefully enough that I woulda overlooked that altogether, he gets:

TWO STARS From everybody at Willard's Garage

THE FLYOVER: Four VFMA 312 Checkerboards out of Beaufort, S.C. They were beautiful, and ABC at least had the courtesy to credit them onscreen. Which, if they for some stupid reason can only put a banner for one blessed thing at the bottom of the screen, it should be for the military doing the flyover, so they got one thing right, at least.

THE COMMAND: By Racing Legend, Junior Johnson , was (duh) fucking cool, man!!! Beforehand, I had said, "Oh my God! Please don't let him screw it up, because I couldn't stand to have to say anything bad about Junior Johnson." Cecil shot back with, "It's Junior fucking Johnson! He could fart it and I'd give him four stars!!!"

Heh. Well, no worries - you could tell he was shouting it as loud as he possibly could - you know how his voice is, he don't have a lot of lung-age to back up super-loud hollerin'.... and cuz he's still racy, he said it real fast, too! "Gentlemen, start your engines!!!"

FOUR STARS for Junior! and a big Rebel Yell from Cecil and me.

EXTRA SUMPIN' They let D.W. wave the Green Flag. He tried to get everyone to yell "Boogity, boogity, boogity" but you couldn't tell if it worked out or not cuz the cars were so loud. Prolly just as well....

A little bonus "heads up" - I just heard Tony Stewart say that they'd have A.J. Foyt on as an extra special guest on his Sirius radio show right around Indy 500 time!! Gotta remind myself to buy my Daddy an indoor Sirius radio before then - he's been a Foyt fan ever since Foyt started driving, and he's been a fan of Smoke ever since I told him that Foyt loved him some Tony Stewart. Previous to that, my Daddy hadn't cared much for Smoke, but that's all it took. Now Tony the Tiger is his man! Previous to that he'd backed Jr. (and still does), cuz he was an Ironhead fan, too.

Y'all Should Hate Me

2007-03-27T14:55:00.000-04:00

I Should write about Bristol. I got sumpin' started on the singing and all. But it's such a beautiful day here in Henrico County, Virginia. Crow Holler - just s'mere's between Richmond, Mechanicsville, Henrico & Hanover Counties. One and one-half mile from the oval known as Richmond International Raceway. Where I been hearing stock cars buzzing around since about 8am. Jayski says they started at 1pm, but I guaran-damn-tee you somebody was out early, cuz I heard 'em.

And this is why you should hate me. I ain't goin'. And even Ward Burton is there, for Chrissakes!! But I'm content to sit & listen. Maybe tomorrow I'll go & hope some of the guys I like are there, but we'll see. On my list is Ward (duh), Blaney, Hamlin (maybe), Mears (maybe- just to tell him I saw his Uncle Rick on fire IN PERSON!! ), and maybe Stephen Leicht just to listen to him talk & study on him for awhile. Cuz he's one of the ones I may have to call "gay" on. The boy admitted - on National Television mind you - that his favorite music is show tunes. And he does have a very slight lisp. So, I'm not saying, I'm just sayin'.

Here's who I got blaring through my office window right now:

When: Tuesday, March 27 – Wednesday, March 28.

Times: 1 - 5:00 p.m.; 6 - 9:00 p.m. each day.

Scheduled Drivers: Eric McClure, J.J. Yeley, Clint Bowyer, Regan Smith, Kyle Busch, David Ragan, Mike Wallace, Scott Riggs, Dave Blaney, Sam Hornish Jr., Kyle Krisiloff, Todd Kluever, Matt Kenseth, Brad Coleman, Denny Hamlin, Timothy Peters, Todd Bodine, Casey Mears, David Gilliland, Richard Johns, Erik Darnell, Ward Burton, Robert Richardson Jr., Jeff Burton, Scott Wimmer, Tony Raines, Bobby Hamilton Jr., Brent Sherman, Jamie McMurray, Jason Leffler, David Stremme, Kevin Hamlin, Jon Wood, Marcos Ambrose, Carl Edwards, Steve Wallace, Shane Huffman, Stephen Leicht, Bobby Santos, David Reutimann, Daniel Hanniford, Justin Diercks.

I actually slept today from about 8am-1pm. The sound of those cars whizzing around sometimes makes me sleepy. Of course, you talkin' to the lady who slept through the Indianapolis 500 when she was 5 or 6 years old. On the finish line, about 50 seats up from the track. And even back in the 1960s, them cars were fuckin' LOUD!!!

Heh. Heh. PS: I don't feel so bad now. I just found out Rankin' Rob has the chance to do something WAAAAAAAAAY cooler than I do today, and he's taking a pass on it, too. I ain't gonna out him - but you Smoke fans would skin him alive...

I can't decide if we've gotten old and jaded, old and lazy, old and stupid, or just old. Rob, you and me, buddy, we really need to get our priorities straight....

Bristol Busch Race-Sharpie Mini 300 - Blue Highway

2007-03-25T01:57:00.000-04:00

Darn. Yanno what? I shoulda started this earlier this evening, but I got to doing this & that and now I am just so plum wore out I can't hardly move, let alone focus to write, Our very beloved friends Kitty & Beaker came over & spent the afternoon, so once I do get around to posting, we can also add their "reviews" of the pre-race entertainment. Which should be amusing, at least. As far as we know they've never sat through an entire NASCAR race of any type all the way through, so we sort of "broke in" NASCAR virgins. We had a blast visiting with them, and unfortunately don't get to see them often, so I felt kinda bad having the race on during their visit - but at least we had the sound down most of the time. It's hard to explain to non-NASCAR fans that you just live for that few minutes when they might maybe talk to your favorite driver, or even just talk about him, for Lord's sake! And trying to explain Ward Burton to anyone is...well... you can imagine!!

So I'm gonna leave this here the way it is, and hopefully come back later to delete this wordy apology & fill in the blanks just for Posterity's sake. Try to at least keep a record of who sang what and when and all. and I'd like to start reviewing Mojo's Manifold Destiny radio show, too. Just so y'all know what you're missing!

I need to try to get some super serious rest before the REAL shenanigans tomorrow!! Jayski says it all starts at 11:30am with Race Day Live , which you know we never miss - and will go until 10pm once DeSpain goes off the air. HOLY PETE!! How will the wolf survive? Why am I still up? I must be nuts!!

Over and out- talk to y'all Monday!

Big Dix

Musings on Mikey - Part Two of Several- "Only His Hairdresser Knows For Sure..."

2007-03-22T22:38:00.000-04:00

Looks like Mikey's beard might be uncomfortable. Seems like his throat whiskers would itch under that Nomex, too.

From Urban Dictionary Online
1. Beard
Any opposite sex escort taken to an event in an effort to give a homosexaul person the apperance of being out on a date with a person of the opposite sex.
"Half of the women on the red carpet at the movie premier were not real dates, but beards."

2. beard
A man or woman used as a cover for a gay partner.
"Poor Jenny, she has no idea that she's been Allen's beard for the past 5 years."

Speaking of what goes on behind closed garage doors and keeping things to yourself, just how long will we have to wait until Michael Waltrip comes all the way out of the closet? I think that if and when it happens, it will be less a closet he pops out of, but something more fun, flamboyant and racy - like popping out of the roof of his car at the Daytona 500 and lisping in that studied Andy Griffith drawl of his,

"I hereby proclaim it's now Gaytona, I'm loud, proud, I'm queer and I'm here!!! So just deal with it, y'all, because I am here to declare NASCAR is officially FABULOUS!!!!!" (By the way, feel free to go visit Betty Jack over at Gaytona.com sometime if ya wanna get the gay beat on NASCAR goings on. Betty Jack is cool as hell, and although Aunt Dixie don't mind you slammin' Mikey for whatever reason, cut Betty Jack some slack, cuz Miss Thing has balls the size of church bells to be doing what she's doin' over there.)

Me and Cecil have been convinced for some time now that Mikey is queer as pink ink, and have a lot of reasons why we believe that, but we've had a lot of folks disagree for various reasons. The dumbest one being that "He can't be gay! He's married and has a kid!!!"

Please. You're gonna have to do better than that. See the opening definition.

Besides the nay-gay-sayers, a frequent response to our allegations/suspicions is "Who fucking cares if he's gay or not? If he's a good race car driver, what fucking difference does it make?"

A very good point, and I agree with it to a large extent. A lot of people, many of our gay friends included, wish that gay people would just shut the fuck up about being gay. They don't understand the need for anyone of any sexual orientation to go around announcing it to the rest of the world. And we can dig that. To a degree they're right. It shouldn't matter anymore than this whole Diversity Push that NASCAR has been pitching hard. Big time hard. Harder than Chinese Algebra hard. Ron Jeremy hard -- for the last couple years. Why do we have to make a big fucking deal out of Bill Lester or Willie T. Ribbs or Wendell Scott? Why do they need to need to emphasize that hip-hop gangsta Nellie was part-owner of a Craftsman Truck team for five minutes?

I think y'all are getting the picture. If we're gonna carry on about black folks -and to a lesser degree, Hispanics -- racin', why isn't anyone playing "The Gay Card"? I think deep down we all know the answer to that, but nobody will say it out loud.

I can't make up my mind if I wanna say it out loud right here and now, or do a little experiment and let y'all weigh in on this first before I continue on with my theories. I think I'll go with the latter. I love experiments!! I wanna see what you guys have to say first, then I'll weigh in with my opinion -

And look, y'all - I'm dead serious about you not holding back. I'll make no bones about it - we have a whole buncha gay friends, boys and girls, and we love them to death. Love them to pieces!! But if you happen to be of a like mind as, say, former NBA star, Tim Hardaway , I don't want you to hold back. You're as entitled to speak your mind as the next guy, and I'd like to hear it. Just do me a favor & try to back up your opinions & expletives with a decent argument and/or hypothesis. If you say hateful things just for the sake of being mindlessly hateful, (i.e. - act like a dumbass) I'll come at ya like a Spider Monkey, Chee-up!

There's a couple other NASCAR drivers that me 'n' Cecil wonder about, too - and I'll tell ya who later - but do let us know if there's anyone you might suspect. It will be fun to compare our answers and speculations. (And to reiterate, we don't think it's Jeff Burton or Matt Kenseth, we just like pokin' fun at them!).

Since it's pretty far back in the archives, I'll restate that Rankin' Rob has pointed the "Metrosexual Finger" at Jamie McMurray. Heh heh! I don't think even Jamie would argue with that! That poor kid - he's so funny - I remember Bob Dillner was interviewing him around the garage area one time, and mid-sentence, Jamie's eyes grew big, he stopped speaking, and he began giggling as you could see his head following someone who was passing by in front of them, but behind the camera guy. It took a few seconds to compose himself again, and McMurray literally had to "shake off" whatever it was he saw, then he apologized to Dillner for losing track, but he "...just couldn't believe what that guy was wearing!! What was he thinking!!!! " He then made fun of himself for being overly fashion-conscious.

I think he tried to blame it partially on working for Rusty Wallace at the time, as Rusty is very fastidious -- one might even say anal -- about everything, including his attire. Little Jamie said even he was astonished that Rusty actually insisted that his blue jeans be ironed so that there was a distinct, crisp crease on the legs. I wonder if Ironhead knew that?

Oh yeah - for fun, I'll add this question: What do you suppose would happen if -- and this is merely a hypothetical supposition, I'm not accusing anyone of anything! -- what if Dale Jr. publicly announced that he was gay? We've speculated on this before - sometimes crackin' wise about the repercussions, and sometimes flat-out cringing at the possible scenarios that might ensue.

Musings on Mikey - Part One of Several- "The Other One"

2007-03-22T17:48:00.000-04:00

photo by Eric Gilbert

photo by Michael C. Johnson

photo by Eric Gilbert, and all photos courtesy of motorsports.com

From "The NASCAR Fan's Online Dictionary (Now! New! With Illustrations!!)"
Main Entry: ubiq·ui·tous
Pronunciation: u-beh-quit-us
Function: adjective
existing or being everywhere at the same time - constantly encountered - WIDESPREAD : a ubiquitous fashion
- ubiq·ui·tous·ly adverb
- ubiq·ui·tous·ness noun

___________________________
Whether you love him, hate him, or would just as soon not think about him at all, the subject of Michael Waltrip is always bound to elicit more opinions than you can shake a dipstick at. This will be one in a series of thoughts & ponderings that Michael Waltrip has provoked here at the Garage.

The gang here at Willard's Garage certainly don't hate him, and often get a big kick out of him, but we certainly can empathize with those of you who just flat out dislike him, and want all of you to know that you're encouraged to voice your own opinions freely, colorfully, and hopefully with a healthy smattering of swear words if you are so inclined. If nothing else, Willard's Garage is sort of the "Outlaw NASCAR Blog" - in that we ain't beholdin' to the France family - or anyone else's family for that matter - so if you need to say what's on your mind, no holds barred - we're your Huckleberry. We've been told that some poor sods and sots out there can't even cuss on their own websites, due to some kind of ethereal cyber swear jar.

So feel free to cut loose on your comments, fellas - what happens at Willard's, stays at Willard's. Unless you're a damn fool and give your Aunt Fanny our web address, in which case - you spilled that canna oil on yourself.

One of our biggest gripes about Mikey is that thing, that tiny, tow-headed tumor you see affixed to various parts of Mr. Waltrip's body wherever he goes. He says it's his "daughter" and he calls it "Macy". Now since this critter is spotted attached to various parts of his body on any given day, our original theory about it being some sort of vestigial remnant or even a living Siamese twin of sorts, was blown; as either one of those items would stay put. But this Macy-thing can be found atop his shoulders, walking at Mikey's side, or balanced atop one or the other of his hips. At least half of the time you see shots of him at the track, Miss Macy Mess is always nearby.

We all know NASCAR is very high on Family Values, and we're all for that. But Michael Waltrip treats "little" Macy more like a fashion accessory than an offspring. She's like a little, walkin', talkin' feather boa.

Her given name is Margaret Carol Waltrip. I'm guessing Mikey chose "Macy" as her "to be called" name because it's a combination of "Mikey" and "racy". Or maybe Macy's is just his favorite place to shop for pretty clothes for Macy, Buffy and The Other One" to wear. And for him to borrow. Because Mikey has confessed to a lot of things on national television, and at least once he has alluded to not being averse to the idea of "trying on" women's clothes.

I believe the exact quote, from an episode of "Trackside" a couple years back was, (and one must imagine Michael's drawling lisp while reading this):

"I like to dray-ess like a guuuurl." And excusing himself for this slightly unusual proclivity by saying that unlike some people, he was comfortable with who he is and "secure" in his manhood.

To prove he wasn't kidding around, a week or so later he appeared on the Halloween episode of "Trackside" dressed as a lady cop, complete with a shoulder length, blonde wig. And lemme tell ya, just like a vain woman, he could not stop fussin' with his hair - stroking it, tucking it behind his ears, and flipping it back with the back of his hand ala Cher. I have a feeling his only regret about the "costume" (something tells me that get-up might get worn more than just on Halloween -- behind closed bedroom doors at the Waltrip Mansion) was that lady cops are required to wear britches instead of something like a flattering A-line skirt.

(It is possible the "girl cop" thing was just him combining two fantasies - since besides a fondness for the feminine, he also seems to fashion his "manly" side after Sheriff Andy Taylor, right down to the hair style & studied speech & mannerisms.)

Although... he may have preferred a Bob Mackie designer cop suit. Bob Mackie being the best fashion designer choice for Mikey, because besides being noted for flamboyant gowns, Bob Mackie is also known for designing outfits for Barbie dolls, which is EXACTLY what Mikey treats wee Macy like. His own personal Barbie doll. Since it's inappropriate for grown men to play with Barbies, and he can't really run around the garage in a cocktail dress and stilletoes, he can live out some of his fantasies through his beloved Macy.

'Tho he often can't fully realize all of his fantasies, as evidenced by his frustration of Macy's wanting to dress "like a wee-atch" that same Halloween. Lord, he was upset. (imagine the lee-usp, now! - from now on, when I want you to imagine Mikey's lisping, Kentucky drawl while reading quotes from him, I'll just prompt you by saying "LEE-USP", m'kay?):

"Macy's going to go as a wee-utch this Halloween. I don't like that. I wanted her to be an angel, cuz she's my little angel, but she wanted to be a wee-utch." He was truly disgusted about the whole affair, and intimated he didn't approve of his in-laws, who Macy was with that Halloween, allowing her to do such a thing. I wonder if he'll let her read those Satanic Harry Potter books when she gets old enough...?

He was so upset he even forgot to plug anyone, just went on and on about Macy. The way he dotes on that kid is just sick. And ya know, until a couple of years ago, we weren't even aware he HAD another kid. A couple years ago we noticed that once in a very great while SPEED TV's cameras would catch part of another child's head near Mikey & Buffy & Macy. At first we thought it must have been another driver's kid, or one of Macy's fray-ends along for the weekend, or maybe a cousin. But somebody accidentally let something slip that made us realize that the other little girl was also Mikey's kid.

WHAT THE FUCK, MAN!!!????!!! I watch a whole lotta hours of NASCAR anything on t.v. per week, and Mikey is on A TON of it - and it took that long for us to even catch a glimpse or hear so much as a whisper that he had another child? That is seriously messed up, people. We just started calling her "The Other One". Because that seems to be the way Mikey views her.

There's "his little angel Macy", and then there's "The Other One". Who we know virtually nothing about. He puts that damn Macy on t.v. every fucking chance he gets, but nary a mention of "The Other One". Pee Paw Schrader often talks about how Mikey "has issues" and makes fun of how many toys Mikey has in his attic, but MAN! I betcha "The Other One" has at least as many "issues", gettin' treated the way she does. Hell, he may as well have her locked up in the same attic where he keeps all them crazy toys Pee Paw's always alluding to. That poor girl is going to need some major therapy one day, if they ever let her & the rest of Mikey's skeletons out of the closet.

Poor little thing. It reminds me of the character of Robert (Brad Garrett) - the brother of Ray, in "Everybody Loves Raymond" . You know how everybody ignores poor Robert and dotes on Raymond?

It's sick, I tell you!! I did a little Googling and all I could find out was this little girl, whose name is Caitlin Marie Waltrip, is from a previous marriage. Hell, I didn't even know Mikey had been married before until yesterday! He has no qualms about telling the entire world he likes to dress like a girl, but never talks about a previous marriage or a daughter from it. Now, if I read right, Mikey proposed to Buffy in 1993. So I guess Poor Caitlin Marie would have to be at least, what? 15 years old?

This "other" little girl we catch glimpses of on the t.v. doesn't seem like she's quite that old, but it's hard to tell, since all we get to see is a split second of part of her elbow or the top of her head or something. And the only internet photos I could find seemed a few years old, so? (shrug). WTF? Mate? What gives?

One more thing- as the photos indicate -- Macy ain't gettin' any smaller as the years pass. Just how fucking long is Mikey gonna insist on CARRYING that fuckin' kid every goddam where?? Jesus! Good thing he's tall. If he was Ward Burton's size (5' 6"), that kid's fuckin' feet would be dragging the ground. And I hate to say it, but she seems like such a spoiled, attention whore that I imagine she'd let him carry her around until she was 20 or 30 years old. She may actually be a sweet, good little girl, but Mikey's constant doting on her doesn't exactly endear her (or him) to a whole lot of people.

Stay tuned for more musings on Toyota, Wally's World, Gay Stuff, The Wild and Crazy Buffy, Sponsors and other Waltrippings. Meanwhile, I think ol' Remus Dawson, who visits here once in a great while, knows a thing or two about psychology - maybe he can give us some insights into the inner workings of all this drama.

The Kobalt 500 Nextel Cup Race - Coo'lanta

2007-03-19T16:11:00.000-04:00

The God of All Things Racing and Sexiest Common Tater on Racin' T.V. He also has a wide assortment of very infectious laughs. Don't miss him every Monday at 8pm Eastern on SPEED TV. Between him, Pee-Paw (Ken Schrader) Mikey Waltrip and (often) Greg Biffle, it is the funniest damn racing show on television!! Everybody busts Mikey's balls every single chance they get. Bless his heart.

Oh my, my, my. People, people, people.... so much to share, so little room! If I start digressing, as I so often do, Stay With Me Biscuits, there is actual NASCAR content throughout.

Lord I love our readers here at Willard's, y'all are the best. Giving Aint Dixie so much fodder for commentary I can barely think straight. Cecil nearly bought me a shirt once that said, "I Can't Even Think Straight" - he saw it used for $3.00 at our local Gay/Lesbian Owned Thrift Shop. I shit you not. You want good quality used merchandise? Go to a Gay/Lesbian thrift shop, you can do no wrong there. Gay folks tend to buy high dollar, high quality items, take good care of them, and tire of them quickly. You can find 100 years old pump organs in mint condition, as well as 100s of Jimmie Johnson t-shirts. All the mos gave up on his tired ass after Kasey Kahne hit the Cup tracks. They say he looks like Errol Flynn or some old silent movie star. Sadly, you'll also find a lot of old Jeff Gordon apparel. When our gay friends found out the whole "Rainbow Deal" had to do with a paint company and not a social statement, they kicked ol' Wonder Boy to the curb like a cold souffle.

You think I'm kiddin' about gay guys likin' Kasey K.? Ask Michael Waltrip. It''s been 7 months and he still can't shut up about how dreamy Kahne was in his "Snuggle" fabric softener firesuit. I'd tell you who needs a firesuit 24-7.... but y'all already know.

But I digress. RaceFan57 & Co., I refer you to my archives where the NASCAR lavender theories abound in abundance! Some with verification. Of sorts. And more to come, I'm sure.

.....so just one more indulgence, if you will. Did we all notice who finished 3 & 4th together at Atlanta? Do we ALWAYS notice who run together whenever possible? Do we always notice that whenever Mr. B or Mr. K starts in the rear (giggle), they frantically push their way through the crowded track to get to their boyfriend's behind? Did we note Kenseth say the other day he likes to be on the bottom with Burton? Seemed like this time Burton was doin' the catchin', not the pitchin' in Atlanta, but hey! We all need to try new things to spice up our relationships now & then, non? Do I have the mentality & sense of humor of a 13 year old boy? Duh....... yeaah. Heh heh. Heh. Right Beavis? Huh huh.

Seriously, though - Burton & Kenseth are the new Smoke & Jr. . Get on board the Love Train. Shoot, Cecil and I still have a 3(ish) year old, yellowed, newspaper photo on our fridge featuring a starry-eyed Smoke & Jr. looking like they're about to kiss. From whichever Daytona 500 it was when one of 'em pushed the other to the win. 2004? Maybe? All it's lacking is little cheeping cartoon birdies flitting about their noggin's which little hearts all around them.

But to the pre-race entertainment.

Biggest pre-race disappointment of the day was Quentin Tarantino being a no-show. He was busy wrapping up stuff for his new "double feature" Grindhouse , with compadre Roberto Rodriguez, which looks cool as hell, by the way. So QT - who would have kicked ass on the command, sent Kurt Russell in his stead. Just to promote the movie - not be the Grand Marshall or anything.

As a kid, I had a tiny crush on ol' Kurt Russell - just a tiny one - I was really all in for Jody Foster, but that's another story for another day. But Kurt Russell the cute teen-idol turned into a big, tough, hottie, and I'm good with that. Ol' Kurt told our Wendy Venturini that he'd never attended a NASCAR event before, but he was a big racing fan in general, following the Indy Cars a bit, and also having raced - and won a championship- in quarter and half-midgets in his youth. He explained that Tarantino was indeed a BIG NASCAR fan, and friends with Carl Edwards, who he is trying to get Tarantino to cast him in a movie.

Hmmmm.....Cecil and I decided that's something we could do without, unless it was just a brief cameo where Tarantino cast him in a role where he didn't have to say much. Say, like sitting in someone's basement chained to a chair, clad in leather, and with a rubber ball strapped into his mouth. Oddly enough, as I was fixing to type the last line there, PRN's Doug Rice was on the radio giving Buddy Baker an account of Russell visiting them in the booth, and the only question fellow commentator Mark Garrow could think to ask Kurt Russell was if he'd had ever seen Carl Edwards with his shirt off!!! Let the ga(y)mes begin!

Doug Rice was mortified and disgusted with his partner, stating that here they had one of the butchest, coolest guys in Hollywood who had starred in such classics as Escape From New York and Tombstone -(at which point Buddy Baker could not resist quoting the former, lisping, "You're a daisy if ya do!", and "I'm yer Huckleberry!"), but all Mark Garrow can think of is Carl Edward's nekkid torso. Gads!! Jimmy Spencer was later compelled to add that ol' Snake Pliskin was a "card carrying member of the NRA", which somehow helps to restore order in the Universe.

Funny anecdotes, but no Quentin Tarantino. More's the pity. Maybe they can get him before the Texas race - Hell, Rodriguez is based in Austin- maybe we could get BOTH of them!!! How much Booty Barker would that kick???

++++++++++++++++
Pre-Race Hoopla (zzzzzzzzzzzzzz..........)

....was begun by colors being presenting by some group with the word "Lovejoy" in their name. I include this only because every single time me and Cecil hear the word "lovejoy" for any reason, we both have to announce in a lilting, British tone, "Lovejoy?!". On accounta that old t.v. show called "Lovejoy", starring Ian McShane, who played an antique collecting, super sleuth. A far, far cry from his character in "Deadwood". But a great little show in it's time. "Lovejoy?!"

THE INVOCATION Given again by Bill Brannen, who appeared to have reinvented himself overnight, eschewing the dark suit, silver neck-tie, and clean hair brushed back into a fastidious pony-tail he donned for the Busch Race, and appearing with his shoulder length hair kinda ratty looking, wearing a dark blue 3/4 sleeve jersey with a silver horizontal stripe, and blue jeans. After a quick whisking by of "God stuff", he then added - presumably to God himself - "Say 'hey' to James for us...!!".

We have no clue who James was, but that was really cool. We liked him.

THE NATIONAL ANTHEM sung by that dadgum Darryl Worley again. What the heck? Cecil seemed to like Worley a lot better this time - we don't know why. He don't love him, he just didn't hate him as much. Cecil said, "He did alright. He just looks like one of those cookie-cutter country singers I despise. He looks like a failed male model. ....at least he cleaned up a little...."

Which he did. Although he was still tres casual, he didn't look like he stank, and he actually seemed awake. He annunciated the "t"s at the end of the words that needed 'em. He didn't get as notey, and on his second crack at the song, it does seem that the only reason he threw in no more than three extra notes on any given syllable, they were the words that are just a booger to get high enough for anyhow. And that's.... ....okay, sez Stuart Smalley. I'd rather hear a few extra notes than just one, long, drawn out flat thing. He sang it pretty danged slow - I'm thinking the voices in his ear were instructing him to do so until the troops arrived, so I won't fault him for that. This time around,

TWO AND A HALF STARS from Cecil. Again.
THREE STARS From The Butcher, cuz he was better than last week, but not that much better.

THE FLYOVER Ai yi yi!! Well, ABC got it right last week. But FOX, with the "help" of ESPN fucked up again. ::::::Le sigh. Now, they did actually show the four black helicopters - a couple different times, in fact. But there was no credit given what-so-fucking-ever. GOD DAMMIT!! I hate those guys!! Hate 'em!!! This is our military. They spend millions of taxpayer dollars advertising on a whole big, fat bunch of these race cars. And a not inconsiderable amount of money having these magnificent young men and women actually fly these amazingly cool aircraft over all of the NASCAR races. So WHY? WHY IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS AMERICAN AND JUST AND GOOD can these fucktards at ESPN not manage to get one of their HUNDREDS of computer geeks who work in the A.V. department type out a few words to put at the bottom of the screen to acknowledge our military? That irks me more than just damn near any other mistakes those people make. Lord it makes me hot.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrr. Well, there were a total of four super-duper cool black helicopters. One appeared to be a Black Hawk, and I don't know what the other three were. Or where any of them were from or what they called themselves or anything.

FIVE STARS for the cool choppers and those who flew them.
SUCK MY DICK!!!!!! To FOX and ESPN for not being able to get their shit together.

THE COMMAND Was given by Grand Marshall and CEO of Lowe's, who said "Gentlemen, start your engines." like a pussy. Not as pussified as a few of the really wimpy CEO's of the past, not "my wife beats the crap out of me every Friday night" pussy, and not "Nicholas Cage-style Poser Pussy". Just wimpy and wussy. Feh. Figures some goob from Lowes would be that way. No testicular fortitude.

NEGATIVE THREE STARS from the boys back at the shop. They oughtta suspend Jimmie Johnson from a race for having such a sissy butt sponsor.

ONE MORE THING! For those of you who catch Dave Despain's Sunday night program, Wind Tunnel, you know that near the end they do a little bit called "Eye Candy", which takes a random, cool, racy song and does a fun montage of various cool and fun racing moments from the past week. This week's "Eye Candy" began with that poor little Holly Summey, who sang our Nat'l Anthem before the Busch Race. She painfully flatly & confidently sang up to "dawn's early light...", at which point Despains cool crew flipped on Motorhead's Ace of Spades !!!!!!! WHOOHOOOOOOOO! and YIP YIP YIP!!! Great fun, great fun! Love ya, Dave! And that ultra-hip crew ya got working for ya, too!

Singings & So-ons from the Truck & Busch Races in Georgia

2007-03-17T13:50:00.000-04:00

The Crow Holler 300 is now available in a GIANT limited edition print from WesFreed.com . (If that link don't work, try the Wes Freed link over to the right there...)

We'll do this quick and dirty today, as Aint Dixie is savin' up for the really fun stuff in the Cup Race tomorrow. Rankin' Rob says Quentin Tarantino is giving the command, and the boys back at the shop cain't hardly wait! We reckon he's going to be promoting his new joint venture with perennial Willard's Garage favorite, Roberto Rodriguez, called Grindhouse . And it looks, as the saying goes, "Hotter than Georgia Asphalt in July."

For flavors sake, I'll add that as I type this I can hear cars roaring around Richmond International Raceway, which is 1.5 miles from Willard's Garage. Must be having a Richard Petty Driving Experience there today, as it sounds like stock cars. When the Indy Cars are there it sounds more like gigantic mosquitoes.

CRAFTSMEN TRUCK SERIES: American Commercial Lines 200

The Invocation : was given ably by Rev. Tom Summers of the Carver Road Baptist Church of Griffen, Georgia. He specifically asked for God to grace the pit crews, and then I could have sworn he asked that God get "all the Glory" for the race.

How odd.

Our National Anthem : was performed by a Miss Holly Summey. I Googled her & couldn't find anything, so we reckon she's just some local gal with nice pipes. Cute little blonde thing with a turned up nose. Looked like most all of the NASCAR wives and pit lizards, but she did a fine job singing. She was a hair flat in a lot of places, but not so bad the average person would notice. She did use TEN!! count 'em TEN!! notes on the word "wave" - which really makes me mad, as y'all know, so:

TWO STARS from Dixie
-and-
THREE AND A HALF STARS from Cecil, who apparently got distracted by her comliness.

The Command : was given by American Commeercial Lines CEO, Jerry Linzey, and lemme tell ya, people... (excuse me while I giggle first....) - Mr. Linzey really tried hard to put some air in it, and he shouted it out fairly well in a tenorish voice, but he lisped like a sleepy drag queen, Bless His Heart. Wethinks Jerry might be a fairy. And that's all good- cuz you know what we love at Willard's. There is little more pleasant to the ear than the drawl of an effiminate Southern man.

So THREE STARS for Jerry's, "Driversth! Sthart yer engines!!!!!"

And on a somewhat separate (??!!??) note, it's always nice to have Michael Waltrip in the booth announcing the truck races - his commentary is always entertaining. As is Todd Bodine insisting on calling Phil Parsons "Philsy". We love that.

+++++++++++

BUSCH SERIES: Nicorette 300

Invocation: Bill Brannen, AMS Chaplain. Nothing special, really. Thank you Lord Baby Jesus and all.

The National Anthem: sung by The New Life Inspirational Gospel Choir, which was a whole bunch of black college kids from various schools. and whose motto is "To magnify God, edify the believer and evangelize the world, beginning at home!". Okay. Thanks, Kids! Nice job! I feel magnified, edified and evangelized.

Their arrangement was oddly Ivy League in tone, but there were a few shouty hot-doggers in the group who couldn't help showing off their Gospel chops a bit, despite the very WASPY arrangement, and overall it was cool. A tad uneven tonally, but you're going to get that when you have 10 or 20 people singing into 3 or 4 microphones at the same time.

THREE STARS from Willard's.

And a question: they seem to try to employee black singers a good bit for the National Anthem - which we have no problem with at all, as long as they don't get too notey. We don't like it when white folks get too notey either. But do y'all think NASCAR tries to go out of their way to hire black singers & entertainers whenever possible? As part of this almost desperate push for diversity? It just seems to us that sometimes they're trying too hard & being painfully obvious about it. Like in the winner's circle at any given race, I swear to God I think they deliberately place black folks right behind whoever the winner is, so when the clip gets shown on newscasts across the US people can say, "Wow! There's a black guy at a NASCAR race!"

THE COMMAND: was given by the Parsons family, as the race was dedicated to B.P. Very nice, and very touching. Phil resolutely said, "BP, this one's for you.", then the family all shouted "Gentlemen! Start your engines!!" in unison.

It was very nice, and very moving. God bless them all.

The Other End of Vegas

2007-03-12T03:32:00.000-04:00

Sheesh. I'm beat. Took a nap after the race. Thought I'd do another slap dash dealio here and just rehash as I recall it it, without reviewing the tape and all, cuz.... what the hell? Ward got taken out by Robby Reckum Gordon on lap 3 and Jimmie Johnson won, so who fuckin' cares, right?

Ward was unusually kind in the post wreck interview, saying "damn" and "hell" when appropriate, but complementing Robby on his driving skills, and implying that Robby seems to suffer from a lack of oxygen after he puts his helmet on, and that he might be suffering from a lack of clear thinking. Nicely played, Ward. The little gay ESPN common tater called it, "Classic Ward Burton", and heralded Ward's return to Cup racing.

THE INVOCATION: Kenny Farmer again. Nice job, Kenny. He praised Baby Jesus for the Neon Garage in Las Vegas.

THE ANTHEM: Was done by some little girl who is the lead soprano in the Vegas production of "Phantom of the Opera" and she had a sorta high roof to her mouth. She did it nice and straight. Nothing special, but no complaints. Me 'n' Cecil figure Vegas is the place for NASCAR to really cheese it up & clown around, so we were hoping for Robert Goulet again. He sang a lounge version of our National Anthem a couple years back that was so over the top it had Mark Martin leaning on his car, shoulders heaving with laughter. And that was "the old Mark Martin". You know, Eyore.

Anyhow, we'll give Miss Phantom TWO AND A HALF STARS WTF?

THE FLYOVER: 5, count 'em, 5!!! Thunderbirds! Gawd I love those things!!!! Yeeeehaw! No credits given on screen or on air - Can anyone tell us why one of the five planes dove down and the remaining four shot straight up & hot dogged? Was that a variation on a missing man formation or something?

THE COMMAND: This guy was not credited in any way either, other than Robin Leach announcing him and who he was. Some managerial hotshot with Daimler-Chrysler. He didn't belt it out to my satisfaction, but he was authoritative enough, so we'll give him a couple stars and I won't gripe about him.

+++++++

So enough of that noise. Now, for the griping. We're pretty pleased with our new Sirius radio deal -- BUT!!!! , they cut off the re-airing of Mojo's racing show (at about 4am) to put Tony Stewart's show on - and Mojo was right about to interview Jeff Burton- or so he said.

Pissed us off!! Goddam Sirius didn't say on their website that Mojo would air AFTER the Busch Race, instead of the prescribed 3-6pm, so I went to bed for a few hours. THEN, they cut him off on the re-airing.

I will say this for Sirius - they got 10 driver-crew-spotter channels to listen to during the race - using the GOOD announcers like Jerry Punch and John Roberts, and anytime - even during commercials - that a driver, spotter or crew chief is talking, they bust in so you can hear it.

Now we know why Hay-Pee is picking up on Redneck talk so quick - his spotter is about Southern and he never shuts up, either. Hay-Pee don't say much, but his spotter is TALK-EEEEEEEE.

Vegas Busch Race - March '07

2007-03-10T23:49:00.000-05:00

Leroy Mercer & "Friends" - I don't know how gooda friends you can be when you constantly punk the likes of Jack Rousch and Smoke on the telephone, but as Briscoe Darlin would say, "More power to 'im." He's a funny S.O.B. Check him out at leroymercer.com !! (photo by John Holtz)

"My spotter said 'spin in turn 4', so I did." - Ken Schrader.

Seems to be the catch phrase for the weekend at Viva Las Wreckfest.

THE INVOCATION: given by Kenny Farmer , Las Vegas Motor Speedway Chaplain, it was an appropriate racy invocation, kinda breezy and fun - he was cool.

THE NATIONAL ANTHEM: was performed by "903 Recording Artist", Darryl Worley, who I didn't think sucked all that bad, but Cecil sure didn't like him. I'll say one thing, he was a dirty mess. Nasty old black t-shirt, hadn't brushed his long, nappy hair or shaved, eyes at half-mast, looked like he'd been up all night gamblin' in Vegas or sumpin'.... Heh. Come to think of it, he reminded me a whole lot Cecil...

I thought ol' Darryl had a real nice, strong, country sounding voice with a range big enough to hit all the notes. Cecil pointed out that the notes he didn't hit where the ones he got mellifluous on - "bombs bursting in air" and "yet wave".... some of the extra notes were flat. Duly noted. Also noted by Cec was that he sang like he was awful tired and left off the "t" at the end of any word that had a "t" on the end, and that Worley gave him a "general bad vibe overall" -

TWO AND 1/2 STARS from Cecil.
THREE STARS from Dixie

THE FLYOVER: Fuckin' FINALLY!!! They got it right!!! Showed two F-15s or F-16s from Nellis Air Force Base in Las Vegas, depending on whether or not you believed the audio or what was written on the t.v. screen, but goddamit, at least they were acknowledged for THE FIRST TIME IN ESPN HISTO .... ohhhh.... wait.... it was on ABC in conjunction with ESPN.... Well fuck all, at least we got to see the jets and they got the credit they were due. They usually drag out the Thunderbirds for the Vegas races, but hey! I won't gripe!

THE COMMAND: was given by Major General Billy Mc Coy and he sounded like a fuckin' man, goddamit! Not some Nancy Boy like they been havin'. Maj. Gen. McCoy coulda whooped every male command giver from the last year and a half with one hand behind his back while calling them all "Private Pyle". When he barked,

"GENTLEMEN! Start your engines!!"

He was NOT playin'. It kicked ass. Cecil & I were wishing he would have said, "LADIES! Start your engines!" , though. Or maybe, "Start your engines you fuckin' Nancy Boys!". But he didn't. We loved him.

FIVE FUCKIN' STARS and a salute from Willard's Garage.

++++++++++++++

Kudos to ABC for playing Gram Parsons and EmmyLou Harris's "Oooh Las Vegas" repeatedly as outro music to commercials. Too bad they only played the picking & the word "oooh" before they'd cut to the t.v. ads - unless you knew the song, you'd be wondering what it had to do with Vegas. That chicken pickin' intro does sound racy, though...

.....and I been meaning to comment on this: What THE FUCK do y'all think about Aerosmith having changed the words to "Back in the Saddle Again" to fit with a NASCAR theme and doing a live video for it? I don't know what to think. It's kinda creepy, but..... I dunno. It freaks me out. I think of myself driving around in my dad's Camaro, Aerosmith's "Rocks" blaring from the eight-track player - (yes, Aunt Dixie is really that old ) -- when I was about 17, and NEVER, NEVAH!! in a million years would I have believed that one day, close to 30 years later, they would be schilling for NASCAR & changing their totally rawkin' tunes... Freaky.

Other comments:

Big YIP! to Jeff Burton for whoopin' Kyle Busch's ass AND being such a cool dude & good sportsman for going to check on him after he wrecked on the final - and riveting! - last lap. Helluva race.

Congrats to our man Ward Burton, too, for :

Finishing 15th on the lead lap, and
for finishing at all in that wreck-o-rama, and
for doing so well in a car he had run nary a lap in before the race, since he had wrecked his primary car on the last lap of the final Busch practice. Ward is kicking some major ass so far while having been dealt a rather sketchy hand. Go Whoad!!!

The Big Race tomorrow should be damned interesting.

Cool Media Overload...

2007-03-06T16:14:00.000-05:00

Tony Stewart and his Mojo.

The Real Mojo. The Big Bad Mojo. Mojo Nixon. Lookin' kinda like a cross between a monkey and Patterson Hood.

Hay-Pee Montoya. Road Warrior. For some reason he reminds me of Mel Gibson. Or maybe the love child of Bobby Labonte and Mel Gibson. With a really, really good tan...

Lord People.

As if my life weren't complicated enough, we now have Sirius Radio. A Blessing and a Curse, to be sure. Before Siriius, I only had about 48 hours of "Must Hear Radio" per week, and about 30 hours of "Must See TV" per week. Nearly all of it somehow NASCAR related, or at least kin to some sort of redneckery.

But now Sirius gives us Mojo Nixon. A whole lot of Mojo. 20 hours a week of his outlaw country music show, "Loon in the Afternoon", 4 hours of his NASCAR show, "Manifold Destiny", and I'm not sure how many (either 1 or 4, it seems...we haven't heard it yet...) of his political talk show, "Lyin Cocksuckers".

And then, Oh Best Beloveds, we have Tony Stewart's weekly show on Tuesday, featuring his girlfriend Matt Yocum. Smoke and Matt get to let their hair down a bit, say a few non-France-sanctioned, almost swear words like "damn", "hell" and "ass", not to mention get a bit more colorful than they could on national television or their NASCAR sanctioned radio guest appearances, where P.C. is the operative word.

Witness Stewart, Yocum and sidekick Pabst (? that's what it sounded like...) discussing how Jeff Gordon may have been a pussy once, but he is as much a man as anyone driving in the Cup Series these days:

After the three finished making fun of how dorky Gordon looked in his younger days, and Stewart mentioned the "porn star mustache" he sported when he was, "like 15...",

Pabst added: "He had the full blown "Boogie Nights" porn mustache goin' "
Stewart said, "Yeah, but he pushed Matt Kenseth last year -- he's got testicles just like the rest of us...", then added, for no apparent reason, that "Nomex is an aphrodisiac." and that Gordon, "Had a hot wife, he's a good lookin' guy..."

They commented on Hay-Pee's controversial first Busch win in Mexico, and Stewart seemed to waffle on the issue without looking like an out and out pussy by saying that, "To me, if I was Juan, I woulda gone back there and beat his ass." - -meaning he woulda beat Scott Pruett's ass for being such a whiner about getting dumped by his team mate.

I dunno. I've seen PAH-LENTEEEEEE of NASCAR drivers cry like little girls way, way more than Pruett has for lesser violations. Smoke included. Bit of pot and kettlism if ya ask me. But it's still so fuckin' funny. Smoke pointed out something we also had a chuckle at -- in the midst of his bitchy tirade against his team mate, Scott Pruett quickly turned to look at the camera and quickly spit out, "I wanna say 'hi' to my family...", then immediately turned back to the pit reporter and resumed bitchin'. It almost had a whiff of a "Talladega Nights" moment to it.

If that wasn't a gay-ass, Hollywood move, I don't know what is -- other than good entertainment. Me thinks Princess Pruett Protesteth too much if he had his wits about him enough to pull that move.

All that aside, as our newly annointed, Oaf-icial NASCAR Writer Rankin' Rob ( congrat's, Rob!!) mentioned, looks like our new resident (coffee)-Beaner has a bit of Earnhardt in him, and may The Devil Take the Hindmost. Hay-Pee is gonna be tearing some shit up in a couple years.

During the Montoya discussion on his radio show, Tony Stewart casually interjected, "He's going to make a great Champion..." -- appropo of absolutely nothing. Just blurted it out in the middle of a busy, Howard Hawksian exchange between the three hosts. If Smoke said it, it might be true...

Okay, enough yakkin' and rehashin'. Aunt Dixie has work to do... much as I'd rather run my mouth about this. Sorry I layed down on Daytona, but fuck it. They just piled way too much on me, I couldn't cope.

As for the Busch Race in Mexico festivities:

THE INVOCATION: Well. Since it was in Mexican, I don't know how to judge it, but it sure sounded pretty & it looked cool. They had their Priest dressed up like the Pope, I Swannee. Long satin white robes and a funny hat and all... cool. They take that shit serious in Mexico. Oh dios mio!!

added attraction:
THE MEXICAN FLAG CEREMONY: Complete with a bugle core. They made a cool, giant production out of unfurling the Mexican flag with a lotta horny fanfare -- they say they do it every single day in Mexico -- I like that. Little Patriotism never hurt anyone. Either them bugles are damn hard to play (which we suspect), or the lead bugler was nervous as hell, cuz man!! he was barely squeezin' notes outta that horn. Bless his heart. It was cool though.

NO FLYOVER. I'm guessin' because our Air Force wasn't able to, and the Mexican Air Force was too busy flying around with all the UFOs they've been reporting down in their airspace.

MEXICAN NATIONAL ANTHEM: didn't catch the Chicquitas name, but she had a lovely, super-strong contralto voice that not-quite belted out the anthem in a respectful fashion. Man, they got a nice National Anthem - it's very moving. As Cecil said, "It's very Anthemic." Heh.

Willard's Garage gives her FIVE STARS

US NATIONAL ANTHEM: by a (Cecil says) Puerto Rican Chick named Janina. Cec said it took her some big old balls to get up in front of 200 grand Mexicans and sing sing the United States National Anthem. They mighta had to dress her up in Brian Vickers fire suit to get her out of there unscathed...

Anyhooziedoodles, she did a great job. Very, very true and respectful It was a bit of a reach for her on them real high notes, like "banner yet wave", and "land of the free", but she caught the hard notes just barely & hung on well enough. She did better than most Americans have in the past couple years - it was very moving. We give Janina

FIVE STARS AND A FLYING BURRITO SNAP BACK

ESPN Needs to Stop Sucking - Soon!!!

2007-03-01T17:27:00.000-05:00

Man, Cecil had me go in and watch ESPN2's "NASCAR Now" last night, and Pee-yew does it stink. He'd been complainin' about their coverage and common taters since Daytona, and I sure can't disagree with him, but Jeeze-O-Peeze I KNOW there are more knowledgable and engaging people out there who could fill the shoes of the guys they have on now. Wikipedia says the hosts are Rusty Wallace and Erik Kuselias (who, Wiki lists as a member of Mensa??? Ya gotta be kiddin' me!! ) , but the sidebar lists Brad Daugherty, Kuselias and Tim Brewer, which I guess are the dudes I saw last night. I do recall seeing Rusty sitting in there during the Daytona weeks, and it goes without saying that he knew what was going on.

Former UNC Tar Heel & Cleveland Cavalier, Brad Daugherty is cool as hell, but the other guys gotta go. Brad knows his shit, and also has a very pleasant accent. We'll ignore the fact that he looks like Barak Obama - that ain't his fault. And shoot, he is handsome - so he has that going for him. (Which is nice.) To add to Daugherty's Ultra-Coolness, when he played for the Cavaliers, he chose #43 for his team number in tribute of his all-time favorite sportsman, Richard Petty. He was also co-owner of a Craftsman Truck Team that Kevin Harvick drove for at one point. So, thank God for Brad Daugherty, is all.

I used to think FOX's resident dope, Chris Meyers, was like a Fred Willard character, but these two ESPN guys almost make Chris Meyers seem hip.

Almost. Given the fact that these two boobs are still trying to figure out how to pronounce the names of all the drivers, tracks, and various other words common to NASCAR, I seriously doubt they write their own questions and comments, which only slightly excuses them. I mean, if they were hired for their popularity as talking heads, I would at least expect them to be witty, sparkling personalities. But they're not. They're just idiots, and the questions they're fed are so aggravatingly simple and irrelevant that even a non-NASCAR fan would be bored with them. And that's the best case scenario. What's likely to happen is some non--NASCAR fan will tune in, hear the inane prattle from Frick and Frack, and say to themselves, "Well, I'd always suspected stock car racing was retarded, and now I know it is. Back to the stick and ball sports for this couch potato!"

The drivers and other NASCAR players forced to answer these guys constantly have their eyes rolling into the backs of their heads, and it seems like it's all Brad Daugherty can do to hide his contempt for these ninnies every time he needs to set them straight on something. Which is pretty much every time they open their mouths.

The broadcasts of the Busch races blow, too, sad to say. NBC was notorious for not showing flyovers, or not crediting the various Air Force bases who went waaaaay yonder out of their way to put on a 30 second show for attending fans and the national television viewing audience, but they didn't do it every time, and they'd often try to squeeze in a replay -sometimes with credits- at some point during the race. But these fucktards at ESPN just don't seem to get the importance of the flyover.

It's as if they view "dumbing down" as a fine art or something. And if that's the case, then I must say, they gotta buncha Rembrandts over there. Some of you know that I blog and comment on this radio show Coast to Coast AM , whose host and staff are just dumber than dogshit. Well, it looks like "NASCAR Now" has become the Coast to Coast AM of NASCAR programs. Right down to their obsession with the "doom and gloom" aspect of things. For the last two days, all they've wanted to talk about- with ANYONE - has been the hard hit David Reutimann took against the wall at Fontana. If they don't tighten up, they may find themselves with a Butcher Blog dedicated soley to them and their assininity.

Stupid dicks.

I'll give ESPN2 this much, their "Busch Drivers in Defensive Driving School" commercials for their Busch series coverage are hilarious. But then, we have whatever ad agency that did them to thank for that, not ESPN. We can at least give a nod to whoever it is at ESPN that decided they were good and funny. Our favorite so far is the one where Denny Hamlin makes the driving instructor puke. Kinda reminds me of how I feel when I watch "NASCAR Now". Bleh.

Daytona & Fontana, Bits & Pieces

2007-02-25T02:24:00.000-05:00

Since I'm still so backed up from Daytona that I haven't even seen the last episode of Desperate Housewives that Cecil taped for me, I'm gonna take a very slip-shod, ESPN 2 approach to commenting on the various races and pre-race hoopajoobs that we've seen over the last couple weeks. I'm also aware that my links are not working, and I'm working on that about as hard as ESPN2 is working on how to broadcast a NASCAR event in an entertaining and informed fashion.

Which one of the stations is it - or was it - that used to use some pretty cool segue music and tunes to play behind the little pre-taped bits that they did? I had thought it was FOX - I mean, they were the ones who played Drive-by Truckers's "Daddy's Cup" briefly while they flashed Dale Jr.'s face on the screen. And I'm pretty sure they're the ones who usually play X's "Los Angeles" sometime during the California races.

Well, whoever it was doesn't matter that much, because ALL of the networks need to tighten the fuck up. I bitched about FOX last year until NBC took over and then I was reminded how badly they sucked, but so far this year everybody's sucking.

A lot. Even SPEED, bless their hearts.

SPEED lost audio right before the San Bernadino County 200 Truck Race which prevented us from hearing the invocation, so they just bailed on all the pre-race stuff except the command, which was given by some guy we'd never heard of, but at least he shouted it out. Mikey Waltrip made a point to comment on what a nice job the fella did, and I'm sure that was his subtle way of shitting on Nicholas Cage's dramatic recitation before the Daytona 500 last Sunday.

Highlight of the pre-Truck Race ceremonies was when the camera was focused on Kraig Kinser while somebody was trying to give the invocation sans any amplification. Kinser was clowning around with one of his crew for awhile until somebody noticed his goofy ass on the Jumbotron, at which point he whipped off his hat and looked down piously, hands quickly folded reverently in front of him. Heh heh. BUSTED!!!

Just a note for next year: somebody needs to use the song "San Bernadino Boy", from Johnny Hickman's Palmhenge record during the Fontana weekend.

TODAY'S BUSCH RACE featured some white (?) (ish) guy trying to sing our National Anthem in that style - we need to find a name for this style - what would you call "the way white girls who are trying to sound like black girls while auditioning for American Idol" approach to singing? We need a shorter, more concise way to word that.

Anywhooziedoodles, he was very trilly and melismatic and he sucked. That's all you need to know.

There was a flyover. Four aircraft of some sort. ESPN honored our military by not showing them during the National Anthem, but they did manage to put a brief shot of them onscreen and uncredited as they sequed out to a commercial break.

Sammy fucking Hagar gave THE COMMAND. Mm. Mm. Mm. He got all rock and roll wordy and ad-libby on it. And you know how we despise that here at Willard's. It's four simple words. "Gentlemen, start your engines." That's it. Simple. At least he did it in a kind of rock and roll spirit, rather than thanking his company or saying "hey" to his mama or sumpin', like a lot of folks do. But it was still aggravating. Made worse by the fact that he is Sammy Hagar. Blech.

When he got done yakkin' and screaming THE COMMAND loudly, I turned and said to Cecil,
"Well. At least he was enthusiastic." Cecil said,
"So was Hitler. And you don't use 'please' when you give a command. That would make it a request."

He's right, of course. Why the hell would they pick Sammy Hagar to be the Grand Marshall, fer Chrissakes? They're out there in California with all manner of big stars just dying for some face time on t.v. , and they call upon Sammy fucking Hagar. It ain't right. At the very least, they should have asked Mojo Nixon. He woulda done it right, plus he could have performed his "The Ballad of Wendell Scott" to honor NASCAR and Black History Month all in one fell swoop.

That's really all I care to comment on as far as the sangin' and preachin' and invokin' and commandin' from the last two weeks -- all in all, nothing stood out particularly. Other than the fact that the most knowledgable and cool NASCAR commentator ESPN2 has is a black basketball player.

I'll leave you with a couple of parting thoughts to continue the "As The Wheel Turns" lavender conspiracy theory involving Matt Kenseth and Jeff Burton.

Before the race Kenseth attributed a large part of Roush Racing's success and strength to his former team mates, Jeff Burton and Mark Martin, and then added, "Jeff is The Man!!!"

To which Cecil said, "So now we know."

In a brief post race interview, winner Matt Kenseth rushed over all of the sponsor and "boys back at the shop" thanking so he could gush on forever about how much he likes Jeff Burton, what a great driver he is, and how much he loves racing Jeff. When asked how he managed to pass Burton, Kenseth replied, "I got under him, but it was hard...."

Mmmm hmm. Bless their hearts, I'm sure they love each other in that "straight men comfortable with loving other straight men way", but whenever either one of them gets a chance they will mention the other one and just gush and gush the way a high school girl does over her latest crush. It's awful sweet, and I hope they never stop doing that, because we are all about the Man Love here at Willard's.

Drive Like Hell

2007-02-20T16:13:00.000-05:00

One more shameless schill before Aint Dixie has to lay down until Thursday:

Our writer buddy & author of the best work of fiction we've read in years ( Drive Like Hell ), Dallas Hudgens, will be doing a reading in Richmond, VA, on Thursday, February 22, 2007. Him and a few other edgy authors will be discussing sex. Maybe. I might have just said that so you'd be more inclined to come out. But it could be true.

It's at the Science Museum of Virginia, 2500 West Broad St, just east of Boulevard. The panel will be on the 3rd floor in the Eureka Theatre. Looks like doors open at 6:30.

Dallas and the other writers are doing a signing at The Fountain Book Store around noon, so you might wanna try to skip lunch for that one. I hear there's free beer. But again, my sources are not reliable. Caveat Semper Fi. Or. Whatever.

Via Con Carne!!!

Manifold Destiny: Mojo Nixon Gets a Sirius Satellite Racin' Show

2007-02-20T15:26:00.000-05:00

Y'all know who the guy on the left is?

No, Stoopie! It's the real Mr. Excitement, Mojo Nixon .

And guess what, brothers and sisters? Now, on top of his infamous Lyin' Cocksuckers radio show, we have the higher octane NASCAR version of Mr. Nixon's radio endeavors. A new racin' show for Mojo on Sirius Satellite Radio - which I'm signing up for because, and ONLY because, Mojo Nixon has a racin' radio show there.

If the Good Lord is gonna force me to finish all my laps on this mortal coil, I'd just as soon be riding shotgun with Mojo Nixon. 3pm-6pm Eastern, every Saturday on Sirius NASCAR 128.

He's calls it Manifold Destiny .

I call it "IT'S ABOUT FUCKING TIME!"

Hey, Premiere Pussies? Clear Channel Chicken Smokers (not you, Rob) ? Fuck ALL Y'ALL!!! We got our Mojo back, folks! Danville in the house!

For you non-NASCAR fans? Time to join in, Mojo is leading the parade now, and you don't want to miss this shit. Elvis is Everywhere (except in Lisa Marie, apparently, who does not care for the roundy-round. I suspect it's a disease she caught from that lame-command-givin', F-1 lovin' freak Nicholas Cage during their brief stint together...) -and now Mojo is bringing the Joy back to Muddville.

More details from Aint Dixie later. I need to stock up on some white cross and PBR if Mojo is gonna be driving the pace car for this bitch now.

Hal-A-Fucking-Loo-Ya is all.

Or to quote Gomer Pyle, "Yer a fool, Otis. This is gunna be fun!"

Yip!

The Princess Bride?

2007-02-20T00:59:00.000-05:00

?????????????????????????

"My name is Juan Pablo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

"Stop saying that!!!!!"

Hay Pee finished 19th & still on the lead lap of his first Daytona 500. Nice job. Welcome to NASCAR.

Daytona is Killin' Me....

2007-02-17T05:03:00.000-05:00

Holy fuck y'all. This Daytona marathon is tearing me up. I've been a tad on the sick side the last couple weeks, so I may or may not get to all the reviews of sangin' and what all. I did tape them for review when I can deal with it. So if any of y'all want to submit your own Daytona bits for a regular post here at Willard's, knock yourselves out - I'd be happy and proud to throw it up for you.

heh. I said "throw up".

Meantime - no Patty Petty Pity Parties for me, Please. I don't need your sympathy, just your patience.

The Craftsman Truck race last night was a real barn burner. Hated to see my teefie boy Travis lose it the way he did, but nice to see Johnny Benson drive like the maestro he is. And take second to a monkey.

Cowboy Crush at The Bud Shoot Out - Daytona

2007-02-12T04:24:00.000-05:00

The Cinderella Kid

Welcome back, race fans!!!! I missed y'all. Not enough to write anything, but I did miss you. I s'pose I coulda reviewed "Cars" and "Talladega Nights", which Cecil and I found highly entertaining, particularly the latter. Lord, lord, it's worth a rental if only to watch the outtakes of the two foul mouthed little boys, Walker and Texas Ranger, cursing up a storm. They say plenty of nastily hilarious things in the actual movie, but the outtakes are stupendous, and Cecil and I watched them at least 10 ten times. Every little boy should say "Why doncha shave yer balls, ya ol' zombie?!" to their grandiddy at least once in their childhood.

Okay then, down to business. Our long NASCAR drought was ended with the Bud Shoot Out which put a nice, $215,000.00 end to winner Tony Stewart's otherwise really crappy day. Also a nice beginning of the 2007 season for placer, "The Cinderella Kid", David Gilliland. (On the pre-qualifying show on SPEED on Sunday John Roberts stopped everything and MADE Spencer say Gilliland's name correctly, which will probably be the only time we ever hear him say it right.) I'd taken note of Gilliland in the ARCA series in early 2006 and liked the cut of his jib, so it filled me with great glee when he won that Busch race last year, seemingly against all odds, and that fortuitous win catapulted him into the seat left vacant in the #38 by Elliot Sadler where he immediately began to outperform Sadler in that particular ride. Best of luck to David G. and ol' Crazy Yates - who is seeming Crazy Like a Fox right about now, with Gilliland in P-1 and fellow Bengal owner, Ricky Rudd in P-2 for the Daytona 500. I was worried for Gilliland when he signed on with Yates last year, fearing he'd show badly because of bad equipment and be written off before he got a chance to show off his considerable talent, but I was obviously - and thankfully - wrong. Shew! Look for him to have a "Denny Hamlin sort of year".

The Pre-Race Hoop-de-Dew:

Caught a couple of minutes of Grand Marshall Dierks Bentley's pre-race concert and boy, oh boy did he stank. Flat as a board. He clearly couldn't hear himself in the monitors at first and God-dayum was he off pitch at first - but he improved a bit as he went on. Not enough to save the tune, though. And what's up with his name? Pretentious much? It's gotta be his real, given name, because no self-respecting country singer would deliberately pick a faggy handle like that.

THE INVOCATION: By Reverend John Long III of Truman-King Community Church gave a pleasant and heartfelt sermonette asking that everyone keep the victims of those nasty Florida tornadoes in their hearts and prayers as well as praying for the safety of everyone at the track. He seemed like a real nice fella. But say, is it just me, or does it seem like the Powers That Be go way far out of their ways to get black preachers to give the invocations whenever it's remotely possible?

THE NATIONAL ANTHEM : by Asylum/Curb recording artists, Cowboy Crush . I see five girls on their website photo, but only four were onstage singing. Dunno what that's about, I don't know nuttin' about these chickas except they are really good singers and their harmonies were just tight as a tick. Good for them and all that, but me 'n' Cec just didn't care for their rendition. Just not our cup of gin, even though it was very, very well done. It had this kind of Broadway air to it, which I found troubling. Not flagrantly Broadway, just kinda sorta, and upon rewatching the video I realized they kinda reminded me of ABBA, which in and of itself is cool - I actually like ABBA - but these gals harmonies hit me like the t.v. commercials I've seen for Mamma Mia! , sooooo..... I dunno. Dale Jarrett seemed to enjoy it. Do what you will with that.

Cecil gives 'em Three Stars for technical merit, but only One Star for "the 'fitness' of things, as described in the ancient Celt aural tradition."
I hear that. Hell, I'll raise him one and give 'em Four Stars for technical merit, they're real good at what they do. I just don't like my American National Anthem performed by a buncha redneck Lesbians trying to emulate a couple of Swedish chicks.

I'll give them Two Stars , though, just because I can still recall some truly, truly, completely Godawful versions from last year, and Cowboy Crush's rendition didn't out right offend me, it just wasn't "right". Or as Cec inferred, "It didn't fit".

THE COMMAND: given by Grand Marshall, Dierks Bentley. Sigh. It's gonna be another year of men who just don't "feel it", isn't it? Ol' Dierks sorta shouted out the first NASCAR related "Gentlemen, start your engines!" of the year, but all things considered, it was pretty lackluster. Maybe he couldn't hear himself in the monitors again, who knows? But surely he coulda done better than he did. Two Stars from Willard's Garage, cuz we're in a generous & forgiving mood right now.

See y'all after the Duels / Duals later this week - meanwhile try and stay above the yellow line.

Shiner Gals & The Possums From Planet X

2006-12-29T16:54:00.000-05:00

Here's a shot of Dixie Butcher & the Space Pos taking on Intergalactic Revenuers.

The NASCAR Awards

2006-12-11T02:08:00.000-05:00

Man, y'all. I'm sorry I layed down on ya for the last two races. Somewhere around here I have all the anthems, flyovers, invocations, etceteras on video tape for review, but I just can't get with it. Maybe in January. What the hell, eh? Nothin' else going on then. I just don't feel talky right now. (Third sign of The Apacolypse, by the way...)

But since one of my key Rules of Life is "never, ever, ever let anyone stick anything up your butt", and Rankin' Rob (who is not a diminutive fellow) has been about all the way up my ass since Talladega to write SOMETHING, I give you some comments on the NASCAR Awards Banquet. Submitted for your approval:

We enjoyed the new pre-awards show, "yellow carpet" (what? did someone pee on it?) extravaganza very much. That concept, brought to you by Hollyweird, The Grammies and The Oscars, is about the gayest thing on the planet, and we love us a fag at Willard's, so how could it possibly get any better than Mikey Waltrip & Melissa Rivers hosting the damn thing and commenting on how cute the drivers were and how nice their escort's dresses were? A true sign of NASCAR trying to diversify, bringing us beautiful gowns, homosexual innuendo (Mikey insisting on hugging an extremely uncomfortable Kasey Kahne ), and Evander Holyfield as "The Token Black Guy". Bless his heart, I don't know what they paid him to be there, but I felt bad for him & his entourage. While speaking with Ms. Rivers and Mikey, Rivers asked Holyfield who his favorite driver was, and not only could he not think of one, he had to resort to pointing at Mikey and graciously say, "Well, him, of course..." Didn't even know his name.... oh me. Oh well, probably didn't win any black fans, but the gay contingency should improve...

Highlight was FINALLY getting to see Wendy Venturini's spectacular rack displayed in an appropriate fashion.... For those of you not in the know, Wendy comes from a racing family, but has taken very capably to announcing. Not that she can't drive. She whooped several NASCAR drivers asses in a school bus race recently. Wendy Venturini is the whole package - she knows racin', speaks well, looks great on the camera, and she has tits for days. Her sparkly, but amazingly understated black halter dress finally revealed what SPEED-TV had been hiding for two years by dressing her in the same dowdy Polos & slacks (yes, they are slacks - one step below gold pants) Herman, Spencer, Dillner & Roberts have to wear. God bless you, Wendy. And your little dogs, too.

MORE KUDOS: May I just say how thrilled, and how NOT surprised I was that all of the NASCAR wives & girlfriends had simple, elegant, tasteful dresses on, and how much classier they looked than the vast majority of the Hollywood trash you see on any given "red carpet" "event" ?

I really should have taken notes on the gowns - all the gals looked so pretty. I can't recall whose wife (or girlfriend) it was, but one commented to Wendy V., that she also had the same exact gown Wendy was wearing in her closet, but she decided to go with a more understated one. Good thing, too, cuz Miz Venturini woulda blown her ass offa the carpet. That dame can fill out a dress. (Her nails were perfect, too, by the way. A sweet, clean, short French manicure. Classy, Wendy - very classy....)

BIG SIGH: You know what. I'm gonna wait until I get my Thorazine refill to talk about 3-time host Jay Mohr. I just can't deal with that right now. Cecil & I have pontificated ad infinitum/ad nauseum/ ad hoc for years about how wrong he is for that show. And we frickin' LOVE Jay Mohr. But. Man. I gotta whole 'nother piece on that mess. I just need to be sedated before thinking about it.

STAR OF THE SHOW: No. Not Kyle Busch, but his (soon to be) ex-girlfriend Erika. Who is cute as a button. That girl got more camera time than any of the 10 Championship Contenders. Know why? (Of course you do. If you're here, you're enough of a racing fan that you know already.) For Mr. Jinxy & his ilk, I'll explain. It's because when lil Kyle Busch, a/k/a Shrub, was thanking everyone, he called his girlfriend/escort Erika "Eva". "Who is Eva?" you may ask. That would be Kyle Busch's brother Kurt's WIFE - Eva Busch. And now for the two non-NASCAR fans I need to state that Kurt Busch is also a very famous, talented and not very well liked NASCAR driver.

Okay, so the point is, Kyle called his girlfriend the wrong name, and then the comedy ensued, with over half the other drivers accepting awards making a point of thanking their wives and making sure they had their names straight. Mark Martin turned out to be funnier than Jay Mohr - go figger. Ol' Eyore is funnier than a professional comedian. From New Jersey.

I thought it was cool as shit that Mark Martin made Jay Mohr make a joke about him - and to Mohr's credit - he came up with one pretty quick. Also to Mohr's credit was crackin' wise with Jimmie Johnson & Jeff Gordon (while all three were reading Bride magazine - Jesus! ). Mohr asked if Johnson was gonna build a town the way Jr. did, and Johnson said he would, and he'd call it his "Man- Hood". Git it?! Whereupon Mohr turns to Wonder Boy & says, "He's building a town called "Manhood" and I called *you* 'Brokeback' ????"

heh. I'm sorry, I'll never be able to get enough Johnson/Gordon fag jokes. Not possible.

Reckon the other big highlight was Mohr keeping many paces away from Jeff Burton, whom he had called a prick earlier, to keep Burton from punching him out. Which kinda looked like it might happen for a second. Them Burton boys are small, but they're scrappy...

Okay, guys. That's all I got. I know i suck. At least I'm not Robin Leach, "Royals Expert" though. What the fuck is that about?

Texas. All of It.

2006-11-06T14:26:00.000-05:00

I reserve the right to come back here later & post about all the singin's and carryin's on at all THREE Texas races, but as I've been mentioning lately, my git up and go done got up and went some time ago.

I dunno if Jeff Burton's string of bad luck is bringin' me down, or if it is the seemingly endless string of uninspired (at best) singers and command givers. The last straw may have been

former Cowboy, Emmitt Fucking Smith plugging his little "Dancing With the Stars" competition and begging for votes mere seconds before giving a command that was mighty weak coming from a man of his stature.

It's all so wrong for so many reasons. I was encouraged by the Harvick/Riggs dust-up after the race. A hint of old-school mayhem, sullied by the sheer pussiness of shoving a girl. While she was walking downhill. Delana Harvick ain't my favorite driver's wife by any stretch of the imagination, but she didn't deserve pickin' on.

From what I heard about the deal, it was her mouthy husband Kevin who was being a bitch and she was next to him when he got shoved, so she was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. (That actually happened to me, once, some nut pushed Cecil offa bar stool, and I was next to Cec, so I went down, too.... no big whoop.)

My complaint is that Harvick and Rigg's thug shoulda been throwin' punches behind a trailer, not trying to run people over with pit-boxes. Sheesh. What has NASCAR come to?

A week or two ago Casey Mears and Ryan Newman were having a lot of on-track beatin' and bangin' and told to quit it out or get black-flagged by NASCAR. I thought it was very cool and ballsy of Mears to go to Newman's motor coach later that night so they could duke it out there. Mikey Waltrip claims to have seen it and said, "It was pretty cool."

I wish I coulda seen that. For one thing, Casey Mears is a little Charlie Brown lookin' squirt and Newman is about a side of beef. I admire Mear's pluck. In the end it was probably a fair fight, Newman is big and slow, Mears is little & quick. Probably woulda looked like a Warner Brothers cartoon.

Haaaaaahhhhh. Sigh. That was a lot more fun than writing about those fuckin' singers.

The Texas Christian University's "Horned Toad" Marching Band did a really, really great arrangement of the National Anthem. Very dramatic & pompous, but still REALLY GOOD! Cecil said, "When they went into 'oh say does that...' it was STIRRING."

FOUR STARS TO THEM.

And please support Krispy Kremes. They're about to go bankrupt, just as Dunkin Donuts is threatening to try to take The South again. Krispy Kreme is a beautiful traditional Southern Icon - right up there with Waffle House. We must try to save it.

Please. Fight the good fight.

Nextel Cup Race - Atlanta Motor Speedway 10/29/06 - December Radio

2006-10-29T20:56:00.000-05:00

Yay! Jimmie Johnson didn't win!

THE INVOCATION: Bill Brannon, Atlanta Motor Speedway Chaplain, who looked and sounded like a politician right down to mentioning the fine folks at Bass Pro Shops who help to pay his salary. That's NASCAR for ya. Even the preachers have sponsors they have to thank.

THE NATIONAL ANTHEM: December Radio, Slanted Records Recording Artists. Never hoid of 'em, but they did a pretty nice job. When we saw four scruffy guys in their late 20's(ish) approach the two microphones, we cringed as is the natural human response. Much to our surprise they had a lovely, subtle arrangement that they all followed for the most part, and although a couple of them got a little notey at times, they didn't hit any clinkers. So they had that goin' for them. (This is the part where you say: "Which is nice.") You could detect hints of Southern accents at times, but they weren't twangy at all. Their voices had just enough character to be a hair left of homogenous. One fella was kinda the designated lead singer, but most of the time it was a unified effort with one of the "back up tenors" trying to show off a bit too much with his jazzy meanderings, but they were quiet & infrequent. The lead singer took a few brief stabs at soulful mellisma, and those would have been forgivable had he not gone for the old "La-hand of the Freeeeeee-heeee-yay-ee-ya-ya-ya-yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!! " chestnut at the end. Dang him anyway. We both would have given them a weak 4 stars if not for that, but as it stands:

THREE flickering STARS from Willard's Garage

THE FLYOVER: One magnificent B-52 StratoFortress out of Barksdale Air Force Base, Louisiana.
Most impressive. Even the name is totaly bad ass.

THE COMMAND: Until today, we had no idea that the most important words in motorsports were, "On behalf of ever buddy at Bass Pro Shops and Tracker Boats, we dedicate this race to the 60 million anglers across America and dedicate it to the over 30 million hunters- America's FIRST conservationists! The Conservation Heroes who've answered the call!", followed by a lengthy and over-enthusiastic duck call. Duck Call Dude actually had to have one of his Nimrod buddies take the call away from him so they could shout "Gentlemen, start your engines!" in unison.

Which they did, and they did it very well, but for Pete's Sake! Please. Please. Please. Johnny Morris, Bill Dance, Buddy Lovell and Rob Keck, we totally appreciate what you fellas are about, but you need to get a grip, ya knuckleheads!

ONE STAR from Willard's because they shouted very well and for being so goddam goofy. And mebbe an additional UNDER THE TABLE STAR for being Nimrods.

Busch Race 10/28/06 - Memphis - Bo Duke vs. John Scneider

2006-10-29T14:16:00.000-05:00

Because of the wacky race schedules all day Saturday - the Busch & IROC races overlapping followed by the truck race, I got all confused, so I missed most of

THE INVOCATION: Dunno who gave it, but he sounded a lot like Bill Clinton only without the charisma.

THE NATIONAL ANTHEM: Oh gosh. What a shame. Ol' Bo Duke was there (as well as The General Lee) and he was doing just a bang-up job singing "The Star Spangled Banner". He has a beautiful, strong voice that could almost be described as an Irish Tenor, and he was singing the song straight as an arrow -Cecil and I were in awe. Fireworks went off right on time for "The rockets red glare", and we were all set to dole out four stars each when John Schneider reared his ugly head. Sigh. Man. What was he thinkin'?? Bo Duke had just sung "Oh say does that star spangled banner yet wave..." so beautifully, he went to draw a breath, and Schneider jumped to say "Yes it does!" all Vegas like - I dunno- he was in Memphis, maybe he thought Elvis would do that. Elvis mighta, but Elvis was fuckin' high 24-7. Oh well, better luck next time.

THREE STARS and a smack upside the head from Willard's Garage.

THE FLYOVER: Didn't get any credit, but it looked kinda like 2 helicopters way off in the distance.

THE COMMAND: Elvira, Mistress of the Dark, shouted "Gentlemen!! Start your engines!!! Wooooooh!!!" in a high pitched, reedy voice, but she put as much spunk (not that kind, stupid!) as she could muster on it. Cecil was disappointed as the situation had so much potential. He was hoping for her head to turn into a sort of Ed "Bid Daddy" Roth/Tim Burton sort of affair where her eyes would bug out right before her head exploded, but that just wasn't meant to be. He said, "For a 70 year old chick with her tits strapped up, a 20 pound wig and a very invasive girdle, she was doin' good to draw a breath at all.

FOUR STARS from Cecil, who added TWO from Vampirilla.
THREE STARS from Dixie.

I missed all the pre-race festivities for the IROC race - hopefully the folks over at Caws'n'Jaws got a recap. Watched racin' all day, then went to bed for a few hours & got up to tak Cecil to an intimate costume party at Kitty & Beakers. Henry the VIII was there - he talks just like Michael Caine. Weird. Napolean was there, with his own soundtrack - very nice touch. I sat next to Julius Ceasar the whole time. He's a lively conversationalist, and until last night I wasn't aware he was Jewish. Who knew?

Truck Race, Atlanta Motor Speedway - Mark Wills

2006-10-29T14:12:00.000-05:00

THE INVOCATION: Was given by Rev. John Dewberry of the Community Bible Fellowship Church. We liked him, he's an older black gentleman with a lovely speaking voice that doesn't sound preachy at all, just sincerely thankful and humble in his need for Blessings to bestow upon himself and everyone else within earshot. He seemed just a tad nervous, and skipped over a line that had to do with "a vast" something or other. Or maybe he's a Pirate and was saying "Avast!". Whatever that means.

THE NATIONAL ANTHEM: Mark Wills, Equity Group Recording Artists. He had a distinct country flavor to his voice, but he sang the song pretty straight, with only a small amount of hillbilly warbling, but he trilled so quickly that it wasn't annoying. Cecil said, "I doubt Mr. Wills is kin to either Bob or Chill , but that's neither here nor there. He did a right smart job, he done his best and didn't get selfish so I give him 3.75, and if he is kin to B. or C., then you know that didn't influence this score of his performance."
THREE POINT SEVEN FIVE - Cecil
THREE STARS from Dixie

THE FLYOVER: 4 F-18s , VFMA 142, "The Flying Gators" - Atlanta, Georgia. Very cool.

THE COMMAND: was given by some gal named Jan Baldwin "and family". No mention of who the hell she was or why they were there, but they were WEAK. She, her husband, her teenage son and a younger boy bleated the command in a pathetic fashion. I'd love to know why the hell they were there, and they probably would too. They seemed lost. Cecil said, "The family that starts trucks together, sucks together."

NO STARS. you sucked.

Nextel Cup Subway 500 - Jared RAWKS

2006-10-23T01:50:00.000-04:00

Dang. That was a pretty good race. Except for Jimmy Johnson winning. Ward Burton finished on the lead lap, ahead of that Busch Thing One, in spot 26. Not too shabby considering he ain't been in a car in two years, and he was driving less that stellar equipment. I'm tired, though, so I'll cut the crap and get to the festivities.

THE INVOCATION: Eldred Davis, Raceway Ministries.

Mr. Davis seemed a might nervous, but gave a nice speech.

THE NATIONAL ANTHEM: performed by The Martinsville High School Marching Band, directed by Kevin Lewis.

I first need to say that Cecil's first of three wives, Katrina, was a twirler for that band back in her day. I love that girl.

The marching band was good, but I liked the jazz band better. However, Cecil & I both kinda dug the ostentatious arrangement they chose. It was very dramatic and heavy on the piccolos. Like sumpin' you'd hear The Boston Pops do on the 4th of July. And to make it cool, they had a girl playing vibes. Vibes! Cool, man. Kooky.

Cecil hemmed and hawed about a rating for them, (you know how he does sometimes....), he said, "Normally a marching band is a sure thing for 4 stars, but they were a little loosey goosey.... I'll give 'em a 3.5 plus another half for having vibes. No. Wait. They're The Bulldogs. Bulldogs get 4 stars. Plus they weren't marching." However you want to slice it:

FOUR STARS from Willard's Garage.

NO FLYOVER: not sure why. It was rainin' - could that be it? Or was it sort of out of respect because of the Hendricks crash?

THE COMMAND: Jared Fogle. You know Jared. Subway Jared. Let me tell you something, I now officially LOVE Subway and Jared. I'll be eatin' some damn Subway sandwiches, mark my words. (No more Jesse Jones hot dogs, though. Blech. Nasty. I like Heeb Franks.)

Old Jared, who looks like the biggest, doofiest cream-puff in the world bared his teeth like a mad dog and just screamed, "GENTLEMEN!!!!!!!" (slight pause) START! YOUR! ENGIIIIIIINESSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!" - his fists were clenched, and he looked like he wanted to punch somebody out. It was awesome. Cecil said "He's just mad cuz he's starving to death." But naw, he was kiddin'. Jared totally rocked.

And better yet, there were no mentions of Subway or it's employees. No bullshit. You know what Subway did? They did what every other fuckin' idiot-bucket race sponsor should do, they made a special commercial that aired one time, and one time only, with Jared saying how cool Martinsville was, and Subway thanked everyone employed there, and all the nice people watching. This unprecedented display of sheer class, coupled with Jared's enthusiastic command earns them the impossible:

FIVE STARS from Willard's Garage.

That's all I got. Stay tuned for Krispy Kreme news.

Must Have Krispy Kremes...

2006-10-22T11:35:00.000-04:00

Okay people, don't ask any questions, just do as I say.

Go to your nearest Krispy Kreme franchise, or the nearest store that sells delicious, delicious SOUTHERN Krispy Kreme doughnuts...

http://www.krispykreme.com/storelocator.html

...and buy a dozen or so. Pick up a gallon of milk and some Fuck Starbucks coffee, too. DO NOT!!!!!!!!!. I repeat, DO NOT !!!!!! purchase any type of doughnut other than Krispy Kreme!!!!!!! DO YOU UNDERSTAND, PYLE??!!!???!!!

You have received your orders. Check back frequently for further orders. We are on the verge of war. Be prepared.

Craftsman Truck Kroger 200-Martinsville

2006-10-22T11:21:00.000-04:00

PS- it just dawned on me that if Jr. wins the Championship they might just play Drive-by Truckers's song "Daddy's Cup" afterwards. FOX used the song briefly while showing a few shots of Jr. last year on thier "sign off" show.
__________________________

Ho me. I am so uninspired. What with our boy Ward making the Big Race, you think I'd be all wound up, but you know what a whiney baby I am. I been sick & tired lately & can't get my shit together. Tomorrow's gonna rock, though. If it don't get rained out.

And I hate to say it out loud even, but please - anyone flying tomorrow? Please fly safe.

On to the Truck Race.

THE INVOCATION: John Fox, Raceway Ministries. He's gotta be Protestant. Very nice, somewhat somber, not overly wordy, but wordy enough to ask God to make sure everyone played nice & safely too, and had a good time. 'T's about it. Okay.

THE NATIONAL ANTHEM: The Martinsville High School Jazz Combo.

I have to admit, I got a tad nervous when I heard "jazz" mentioned. Made me think of the Andy Griffith Show when Anj coerced Bobby Fleet and His Band With a Beat to sit in with the Mayberry Band so they'd sound good enough to go to The State Fair. Or sumpin'. In that episode Anj had to tell one of Bobby Fleet's musicians to play "Stars and Stripes Forever" more "straight", and the goateed, beatnick cornet player replied, "Man, I thought I was playin' it straight. In fact, I thought it was kinda quaint...."

But no worries, these five boys ( three bones and two cornets or trumpets, I'm not sure which - looked more like cornets, though...) played it plenty straight and hit all the notes just fine. So we're good.

FOUR STARS from Willard's Garage, kids!! See ya at VCU. Or Berkely. Or in Bobby Fleet's band....

NO FLYOVER: More's the pity.

THE COMMAND: Karen Wheeler, administrative something or other for Kroger.

Karen broke my big rule, she got thanky & talky. She said, "On behalf of Kroger and all our great people, ...."

sigh. Why, Karen? Why?

But she smiled and hollered in a beatifically rednecky drawl, "Drivers!!! Start yer engines!!!!!!!!!!!!" and damn if she didn't seem like a genuine race fan. So we won't dock her too much. She still beat the fuck outta most all the corporate men.

THREE STARS from Willard's Garage.

Peace Out. GOOOOOOOOO WHOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAADDD!!!!

Ward Burton Resurfaces in Martinsville

2006-10-17T14:19:00.000-04:00

NASCAR has it's own version of the children's interactive book series "Where's Waldo". At any given track on any given weekend, you'll see at least one person holding up a poster board sign asking "WHERE'S WARD?!!?!!?" in lushly scrawled marker. You'll also hear at least one (probably slightly inebriated) voice shout "Where's Ward?!!?" while standing behind the talking heads of one of the many live trackside shows that air 36 weekends a year.

They're talking about South Boston, Virginia's own Ward Burton. You may have heard of his brother Jeff Burton. Even a few non-NASCAR fans have heard of him, since he's currently leading in championship points in a sport whose popularity is gaining enough to almost be considered "mainstream". We love Jeff Burton, and wish him well, of course, but it's his brother Ward we really want to see racing.

The boys and girls here at Willard's Garage have loved Ward Burton for a long time now - maybe partly because of the way he talks. He talks like us. Not like his brother, who, the joke for many years has been, came from the North Side of the Burton household. Not exactly true. Although we have no physical evidence, rumor has it that Jeff wanted to be on the fast track to NASCAR success, and attended "speechin' school" to learn how to make nice with the media whenever a camera or microphone was shoved in his face. These days I think most drivers are required to do that, but back then I guess they had a choice, and as he often did in his youth, Ward played hookey on that deal, most likely opting to go hang out in the woods and commune with his first love, The Great Virginia Wilderness. Which is decreasing rapidly, and in his recent two years away from racing, Ward has spent his time championing that cause, on the board of Virginia Inland Game and Fisheries, and his own Ward Burton Wildlife Foundation.

Kind of ironic that brother Jeff has said many times that he wants to go into politics when his racing career is over, but there's his "hayseed" older brother, no speechin' school, no nuthin' , right in there mixing it up with the politicians while his racing career was put on temporary hold. Saving his state from the Yankee Carpetbaggers. That ain't the way Ward would put it, but that's exactly what he's doing. God bless him.

Why has Ward Burton been without a ride for two years? I don't have the energy to type that much. It actually boils down to NASCAR politics. Ward is an honest man, and a man who would rather die (or at least forsake a perfectly good & VERY lucrative career), than not be true to himself. In a nutshell, the reason Ward doesn't have a decent ride right now is because he chose to deal with people honestly and trust them. Unfortunately he trusted some of the wrong folks. That's my opinion. Ask any NASCAR fan and you're liable to get your ear gnawed off for an hour or more about why Ward ain't out there with his brother, mixin' it up to win a Championship. He has the talent, he just never had the right opportunity.

The last two years have been sorry and sad ones at Willard's Garage. When people ask us, "Who's your driver?", we all hang our heads, shift our eyes away, sigh, and say "We don't have one." Or, "He ain't racin' right now." It's a sorry feeling not having a driver you truly love to root for in any given race. Even is he's driving a complete piece of shit, and you know he's gonna get wrecked by some smooth-talking, nineteen year old rookie at the back of the pack, because his car isn't capable of running up front where he belongs.

So we'll celebrate this coming weekend when our Ward Burton makes a brief return in the Morgan-McClure #4 Car at Martinsville. Morgan-McClure is a Virginia team - the LAST Virginia team since the Wood Brothers flew South to stay competitive with the rest of the Charlotte-based teams. To say that Ward Burton driving a Morgan-McClure car would be the underdog to root for would be an understatement worthy of the highest farce.

If you were to put Ward in his brother Jeff's Richard Childress car - he could win the race. Handily. No doubt. But he's driving junk and he knows he's driving junk -no offense to Morgan McClure- they've actually made some incredibly good finishes with that car in spite of their one car-team/Virginia status. But as Ward said in an interview with Times-Dispatch Jill Erwin, "I can't fix the car by the seat of my britches." He stated that today it's more about the machine than the driver.

We'll be pulling for both this Sunday in Martinsville.

Godspeed, Ward. We love ya like all git out.

Now everybody go buy sumpin' at the Ward Burton Wildlife Foundation. They got some cool gear there.

Bank of America 500-Lowe's Motor Speedway

2006-10-15T01:19:00.000-04:00

A-10 Thunderbolts

...or "The House That Humpy Built".

No Robosaurus this go 'round, instead it looked like Humpy took all the dough he woulda spent on one big, cool truck-eatin' monster and rented several small trucks that had dorky fire-breathin' T-Rex-ISH heads on them. Whatever. Lotta trouble and strife for some of our favorites early on - Hamlin got took out before Lap 2. Pee Paw got knocked off by Beaver's little brother Todd.... but mostly it was ho-hum despite all of the wrecks.

THE INVOCATION: Thank goodness was less about Humpy and more about God this evening, graciously given by
Dr. Bill Theirfelder of Belmont Abby College.
Dr. T. mentioned our Lord a great deal, and ask for Grace to be bestowed upon everyone attending as well as those at home, and for them to return the favor and be good Christians. But he wasn't pushy about it or anything, you'd hardly know you were being preached at, which was nice. He did ask that the drivers be "models of excellence and virtue." Not sure what he was getting at there, but .... whatever. It was a very nice sermon and the anti-thesis of the previous night's pagan (well, Catholic anyhow - it's kinda the same.) celebration of All Things Humpy.

OUR NATIONAL ANTHEM: performed by American Idol person Kellie Pickler.
Goodness sakes! What in the world? She sounded like Cher with a lateral lisp. And I mean a fucking HUGE lisp. Her natural range isn't quite as low as Cher's, but MAY-an! did she sound like Cher. Cher run through a "country filter" half of the time, and a "what passes for R & B these days" filter. She was just a-noodlin', and a notin', and a-mellisma-ing away.... and apprantly that wasn't enough fucking around for Miz Pickler, so she also screwed with the cadence of the words now and then, too. I guess that was supposed to reflect her "jazz" influence.

But that lisp! Holy Pete. I'm not shittin' you, the first line was, "Oh ssshhhay can you sshhhee?" No lie. Sometimes her lisp was like the quiet 'sh' as in 'hush', but sometimes it was the spitty lateral lisp like the girl with the braces on South Park. Cecil said, "She's definitely got a voice. She also had too much spit in her mouth and too many 'h's. She added the letter 'h' to the beginnings and ends of all the words. I never watched American Idol, but I agree with whatever Simon Cowell said when he kicked her off the show. "

She did hit all the notes just fine, so
TWO SHTARS from Cecil
ONE SHTAR from Dixie, onaccounta she took waaaaaaay too many liberties with everything.

THE FLYOVER: Two A-10 Thunderbolts from Pope Air Force Base, N.C. Very nice. We couldn't hear them at all, so I guess NBC figured ol' Pickles was doing a good job & didn't need to be drowned out.

THE COMMAND: Mickey and Kalob Jackson, winners of the Bank of America contest for see how could shout "Gentlemen! Start your engines!!!!" the best.

Turns out Kalob Jackson, who looked all of 4 years old, was the best hollerer. He did a fine job, too. And he looked doggone cute in the process. To his daddy Mickey befell the ugly necessity of paying homage to Bank of America and Humpy Wheeler, of course. His little speech went like this:
"On behalf of Bank of America employees and customers, welcome to Lowe's Motor Speedway, the only Race For the Chase under the lights!!!!" I fuckin' hate any talkin' before the command, and this time even moreso because not only did BofA get to pat themselves on the back, but Humpy slid his greasy, levigated old self in there.

FOUR STARS from Cecil to little Kalob, and Cec goes on to give daddy Mickey ONE STAR for suffering through being a corporate schill in order to have his son ably shout The Command.

Same from me.

That's it. I'm outta here. On to Martinsville, where we can get this yucky taste out of our mouths with some Jesse Jones hot dogs.

Dave Blaney Wins!!!!! Busch Dollar General 300 - Lowe's Motor Speedway

2006-10-14T00:13:00.001-04:00

Our man, Dave. Hopefully I can find a photo of him in his Haas Avocado suit to put up.
I love me an avocado.

ZOW-EEEE! What a kooky race. What a kooky finish. Gotta give a big shout out to one of our favorite underdog drivers, Dave Blaney, for winning fair and square. Poor Dave. His first NASCAR win was mightily overshadowed because goddam Happy Harvick also clinched the Busch Championship with this race - so the cameras and crews went straight for Harvick. Reminded me of how Blaney & Schrader's 4th and 7th finishes were overshadowed by where the Chasers finished here in Richmond last September after the Chevy Rock and Roll 400. Since that was the race which determined who did or did not get into The Race For the Chase, nobody paid any mind to the Two Old Farts Who Done Good that evening.

That's okay, though. It took Blaney awhile to find Victory Lane anyway. And bless his heart, once he got there, he still didn't know how to act. Just stood around grinning as he was being interviewed. Totally forgot to mention any sponsors at all, he just said he was sorry his wife and kids weren't there, and then he wandered off. The camera and reporter were still standing there waiting for more words from Blaney, but he just wandered away, all by himself, looking a bit dazed. It was adorable.

Onto the pre-race shenanigans at The House That Humpy Built.

Wail. There's a reason why people call Lowe's Motor Speedway owner Humpy Wheeler the P.T. Barnum of NASCAR. Everything's always gotta be bigger than life at his races (remember the "car eating" Robo-saurus?), and apparently he's now bucking to be canonized. I like the sound of "St. Humpy", but not the idea of it. For this race he employed a Priest from Wisconsin to give

THE INVOCATION: Father Dale Grubba (no! Not dang ol', dang ol' Dale Gribble- oh wait, that's Boomhower. Nevermind.) from St. John's Parish in Princeton, Wisconsin did the pre-race mass this evening. It was obvious by the way he rolled his eyes in a "Lord, forgive me for what I'm about to do" way that Humpy had written the speech for him. Here it is, in it's entirety:

"Let us pray. Promoter Humpy Wheeler claims his job is not to cure cancer, but to put Technicolor in lives lived in a black and white world. To lift people from the drudgery of everyday life. Oh Lord, we ask you to be with us tonight as the Technicolor of Life unfolds before our eyes. Amen."

What the hell?

Humpy don't think much of his-self, does he?

OUR NATIONAL ANTHEM: performed by Nashville Recording Artist, Daryle Singletary. Who was chewing gum. Didn't seem to affect his singing though, he did a good job. He's got one of them real twangy voices, and it seemed like he'd have a limited range, but he hit all the notes effortlessly. They sounded way cuuuuuuuuuntry, though. It was nice, and he didn't get too notey. He did do that "country guy singer" thing though, were often on the last note of the last word of a phrase, they add one quick note that's just a hair flat. That doesn't bug me too much, but it wasn't necessary, so I'll give him

THREE STARS from Dixie.
THREE AND HALF STARS from Cecil, "cuzza that notey thing at the end."

No FLYOVER, I guess because it was too dark out.

THE COMMAND: Henry Forrester, Dollar General District Manager from Try-on, Georgia.
This guy was cool. He looked pretty rednecky, but like, real laid-back. His eyes were kinda droopy, and his mouth & jaw was kinda set in a way like he mighta been appreciating the latest Playboy centerfold or a cherry '67 Camaro. He belted out "Gentlemen! Start! Your! Engines!" in a nearly WWF fashion, but not too over the top, and as Cecil said, "that was cool because he wouldn't have been true to himself" if he'd gone all Adam Sandler on us. Oh yeah, he also gave a very nice wave to the crowd before he gave the command. I hate to keep saying "cool", but that's the only word that fits. He was just cool, is all.

So GOOD JOB, Henry.
THREE STARS from Dixie
THREE AND A HALF from Cecil.

Damn it! Post Talladega Additions.

2006-10-09T10:39:00.000-04:00

Shit, I just realized I didn't mention the flyover - how could I forget that? It's the best part. That's what happens when I try to post at 1:00am or so while listening to Art Bell... dork. Ah well, check back to this very spot in a couple days, and I'll edit in all of Cecil's firsthand commentaries & observations. He called this morning from Atlanta to say "hey" and mentioned the flyover was much cooler in person.

151st Army Band - UAW 500 - Talladega

2006-10-09T01:11:00.000-04:00

image copyright Wes Freed 08/06

What a kooky race. Cecil left message on the answering machine directly after the race ended (a/k/a "Poached Raisch") to inform me that the race had ended, he had no idea who won or what was going on, but assured me that he and Rankin' Rob had nothing to do with any debris thrown onto the track after Brian Vickers's incredibly unpopular "oops!" win. Poor kid gets his first win after how many years, and he's met with the fucking loudest boos I've ever heard at a Cup race. 140,000 drunk, crazy rednecks just screaming their lungs out.

Ya see (Jinxy), Dale Earnhardt Jr. is The Man at Talladega. Of the hundred and forty plus people in attendance, at least half were sporting red shirts representing Jr. & his sponsor Budweiser. Junior was leading on the last lap. Jimmy Johnson (who is not terribly popular with the Dega crowd) was right on his tail, but it looked like Junior could stave him off. Johnson peeked around Junior's underside to try to make one final attempt to pass him and win the race just a heartbeat before the checkered flag.

BUT! Johnson's soon to be ex-team mate, Brian Vickers - Excitable Boy that he is - tried to "help" Johnson scootch up past Junior, and well... he kinda wrecked both of them as he went on to take the checkered flag. Poor kid. What a shitty way to win. I felt sorry for him. If Earhnhardt Sr. woulda pulled that, the crowd would've cheered wildly and said "That's just racin'!!" to anyone who was a fan of whoever Ironhead would have wrecked. But it wasn't Ironhead. It was Howdy Doody. Poor kid.

That 25 car that Vickers won in is widely known as being jinxed. The late Tim Richmond, who died of AIDS complications, was the last to have a win in that car. (I think.) After that Ken Schrader drove it for awhile with no luck at all. It's a Hendricks car, and all the rest of the cars in that stable have always been mighty. But not the 25 car. Makes ya wonder. Especially since Rick Hendricks's son Ricky (who was killed in that horrible plane crash on the way to Martinsville a couple years back) had hand-picked Vickers to drive that car.

So anyhow...

THE INVOCATION: Reverend Mike Jackson, Alabama Raceway Ministries. Rev. Jackson's sermon was plain and sincere without any lighthearted racing references, merely an emphasis on keeping everyone safe. When you come screaming around a turn at 195 mph in the middle of 43 complete maniacs, you tend to worry about folks getting hurt.

As Ken Schrader's son said, when asked if he was going to be a race car driver like his daddy, "I dunno.... looks kinda dangerous to me."

NATIONAL ANTHEM: performed by The 151st Army Band, Alabama National Guard.

Unless you get somebody really cool to sing the anthem, somelike like, say, Billy Joe Shaver, I think a nice army band is the way to go. (Although the choir before the Craftsman Truck Race was very nice.) These ladies and gentlemen did a lovely job, nothing kooky or fancy. Unfortunately the snare drum did rimshots through the entire song, which was totally right on and effective, just waaaaaay too loud. Sounded like a June Bug in a coffee can. Kinda annoying.

Still, nothing you could do about that.

FOUR STARS from Dixie.

THE COMMAND: Director of UAW Region 8, Gary Casteel, had a little "ooomph" to him, but he got all wordy. "For all the men and women of the United Auto Workers and Ford Motor Company, Gentlemen! Start your engines!!" He mighta packed a little more punch if he hadn't run out of breath sayin' 'hey' to everyone, but it was what it was. It wasn't so bad his wife & kids would be ashamed or anything.

TWO STARS.

I think it's interesting that all of this past weekend's ceremonies were some of the most traditional and tasteful examples of any race this year when Talladega is infamous for state-of-the-art redneckery.

Talladega College Choir - John Deere 250

2006-10-09T00:48:00.000-04:00

I haven't watched this yet, so don't go telling me who won. Or any other spoilers, for that matter. Please. I was thinking I might wait to post the critiques until after Cecil got home from Talladega so he could chime in, but what they hey? He can leave comments. (See how I do him?)

INVOCATION: Reverend Tim Farley, Alabama Raceway Ministries. Rev. Farley did a nice job. Short, no embellishing, but it is Talladega after all, so he did put an extra emphasis on asking the Lord to keep everyone safe. He had a nice accent.

THE NATIONAL ANTHEM: performed by The Talladega College Choir.

This was wonderful. Six young black people - I couldn't tell if there were two or three girls - it sounded like two. A nice strong alto and an operatic (but not annoyingly so) soprano. I wish I knew more about chorale music, as the particular arrangement they used must surely be a certain style - but I got nothin'. It sounded very "Ivy League" to me. The sort of arrangement you'd imagine coming from a group of sweater clad Harvard students, while standing on a pristine lawn in front of the Student Union.

The vocals were beautifully balanced - nobody trying to upstage anyone else, it was very moving. If any wrong notes were hit, I certainly didn't hear them. And I replayed it three times.

FOUR STARS from Dixie.

THE COMMAND: Product Promotions Manager for the John Deere Company, Dan Walls.
Dan Walls had some balls. And a nice Southern accent, too. Normally I do not approve of the Grand Marshall taking liberties with the command - you know giving shout outs to his buds, or just embellishing foolishly like President Bush did that one time - but I forgive old Dan Walls for saying, "On behalf of John Deere, our dealers and customers...." because when he said "DRIVERS!!! START! YER! ENGINES!!!!!!!!!!", by God he meant it.

Fuckin' finally - a corporate dude with some nads.

Heartland-from Huntsville, Alabama, at the Banquet 400, Kansas City, Kansas

2006-10-02T03:56:00.000-04:00

Slowly, through a three-day, nauseating migraine things are finally starting to come together. I've collected the disparate bits of yarn from hither and yon, and am now knitting a little thinking cap that will make it all clear to me. I intend to have my thesis ready by next weekend. Ala Pee Wee Herman, I will keep "knitting and knitting and knitting..."

As you all know, Oh Best Beloveds, I tend to be a little mean. Pain makes me meaner. But through my recent pain have come some epiphanies.

Thanks to our good friend Rankin Rob and his lovely, kind, gentle, wife, Kat, I've realized that if a headache had a sound, it would be that of the soprano saxophone. As soon as I realized that, my migraine assumed that sound. One searing note blaring endlessly through my head like a cheap Chinese aluminum goose.

I realized that not everything that comes from Kansas is bad, and not everything that comes from Alabama is good. Our good friends The Drive-by Truckers, 'Bama Bred themselves, most of them, have often told us that nothing good comes from Alabama, particularly Huntsville. They may be right on the latter. Scroll to NATIONAL ANTHEM for more.

Kansas City's race track produced some of the best racing I've seen this year, (up until the utterly insane mileage-driven finish, which was interesting, but not really racing...) and NBC's coverage was much better than anything I've seen out of TNT and/or FOX this year. They must be doing the unthinkable at NBC, that being "listening to the fans". They still leave a lot to be desired, but improvement should be noted, I think. Another plus for Kansas is the #07 driver, Clint Bowyer. He's no Dave Blaney, but he kinda makes me laugh. As Jeff Burton once said, "He's kinda goofy." He also looks like he could be "The Lost Burton Brother", and I don't mean Brian.

On to the pre-race commentaries.

THE INVOCATION: Cole Cochran made another nice sermon for us, this one a tad longer and heavier on the "Jesus in the Passenger Seat" and "Racin' the Race of Life" type analogies. I think that's cool. I like it. I liked it more because there was a young kid standing directly behind him who was wearing a very worn and tattered black t-shirt with a Confederate Flag on it.

In Kansas.

OUR NATIONAL ANTHEM: Heartland. (Lofton Creek Recording Artists from Huntsville, Alabama)
Much like the "singer" before Saturday's Busch Race, these boys just got too damned ambitious. There looked to be six or seven of them onstage, and Cec and I both thought, "Oh dear God, they're not ALL going to try to sing are they???

The answer turned out to be "No." They were all trying to do something, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't singing. In the beginning it seemed more of a Foster Brooksian drunken recitation, with incidental vocalizations by a gentleman who Cecil thinks was just trying to "warm up" and didn't realize his mic was on.

Cecil said the lead, er... , person sounded like he was, "..the kind of drunk you get after being up 2 or 3 days, 'n' yer all rubbery and you shoulda been in bed a looooooooong time ago." And Cecil would know about this state, as it's the state he's been in every time he's ever gone to the state of Kansas. Hell, maybe that *is* The State of Kansas. "Welcome to Kansas! The most hammered State in the Union!"

Ol' Foster Brooks stumbled around for awhile in a most pitiful fashion. I swear if he was a dog he'd a been Old Yeller at the end of the story, or that dog in To Kill a Mockingbird. Not deserving of their immenent fates, but obliging themselves to the firing squad for the Good of Mankind.

And then "the band kicked in". Four, five, six? part harmonies were attempted, and for a few brief notes it seemed the rest of them might have been on key and loud enough to drown out their leader. But alas, they all seemed to lose all sense of pitch simultaneously, and any recollection of whatever "arrangement" they were trying to follow, and it became something akin to a room full of five year olds on crack, screeching and squawking, entirely oblivious to all around them.

How can the great state of Alabama produce The Drive-by Truckers, The Greatest Rock and Roll Band on Earth, The Saviors of Rock and Roll, and also produce the likes of Heartland? Must be some kinda Hindu "you must destroy to create deal" or something.

ONE STAR from me, because I felt sorry for them. They're probably great guys I'd love to hang out with. Probably.
ONE STAR from Cecil, "...for the one part when they all came in and.... I'm probably being over generous, but... where they were all singing and kinda covered up that other guy?, ...and... ....yeah, I'll give 'em one."

THE FLYOVER: Three Fabulous F-16 Fighting Falcons who flew in early in a cavalier fashion to drown out a healthy portion of the abuse of our National Anthem. Extra points to NBC for turning up the audio for the jets for an extended period to further save our delicate musical sensibilities.

THE COMMAND: George Fucking Lopez and Jackie Fucking Joyner-Kersee!!! WTF?!?!, you say?

Oh yes, Best Beloveds. Oh yes. The "Minorities" That Saved The Day. God Bless Them Both, they totally flat-out fucking RAWKED! In unison, they shouted like they were genuinely glad to be there. They smiled. Their eyes twinkled with a fiery "What's up with the gimpy White People gleam". They grinned, and after an exhuberant "GENTLEMEN!!! START YOUR ENGINES!!!!", Joyner-Kersee did a lengthy Pete Townsend windmill with her free hand, as she let out a Rebel "whoop" into the microphone she held in her other hand. Oh hell yes.

Side notes: I was compelled to eat not one, but two Banquet Pot Pies during the race, and my headache went away. Afterward I tried to sleep through the remainder of the race to insure a win for Jeff Burton, however the racing was too fucking exciting - hence a respectable 5th place for our Jeff B, leaving him leading the points for Virginia, with Chesterfield's own, Denny Hamlin, running second in overall points.

Next weekend we wrap up the Gardens of Good and Evil (Alabama and Kansas) commentaries in Talledega and get on to racing that makes a little more sense. No wait - then there's Lowe's....

Jessica Horn -Busch Yellow Transportation 300, or More Reasons to Hate Kansas

2006-09-30T22:52:00.000-04:00

I hate Kansas. I have my reasons and they're damn good ones. Saturday's Busch race there didn't do a thing to change my opinion. First of all, for reasons that aren't clear to me, Kansas Speedway managed to conspire in the wrecking and/or misfortune of every single driver from Virginia who participated in the race.

And then there is "Kansas City's Own" Jessica Horn, who ... what would you call it? Not "sang". Not "performed", I don't think. "Adapted", possibly. She did the "adaptation" of our National Anthem. The fact that Kansas City would claim this woman as "their own" is enough to condemn them to Patriotic Purgatory. What she did to "The Star Spangled Banner" defies description. I'll take that long-legged Nubian May-I any day over this ... this... (shudder) ... thing. This Abbatoir of Song called "Jessica".

I don't know what she's trying to do with those vocal chords of hers -as Cecil said, "She obviously has a high roof to her mouth." Yup. She did. She was plenty loud. I can think of a couple things to stick into that 'high roof' to stop at least some of the things she assumed were notes from leaking out.

Cecil said kindly that she was over ambitious and that "her pitch was about as reliable as her cadence." That is to say, not at all.

This girl, for reasons I cannot understand, decided to hold out all of the half-notes for measures, and all of her whole notes were rendered as quarter notes. Think George Burns, or Willie Nelson in a jazzy, bored mood. Only she didn't hit the correct notes. I didn't realize there was such a thing as 'A-Flat and a Half' until I heard her sing. I dunno, maybe she's part Chinese and she's using their scale or something, but Jesus Christ she was so uniformly horrible and wrong that I hereby absolve all of the other "singers" before her who have butchered our NATIONAL ANTHEM.

Whoever hired her for that gig needs to be shot. But kudos to the guy who set off the fireworks during "bombs bursting". It had to be a fluke, there's no way in hell he could have judged when she would have reached those words.

NO STARS. EVER. The only stars you deserve are those sticky ones that you put on the papers you grade in the Elementary School where you should be teaching anything but music.

THE FLYOVER: Two beautiful EA-68 Prowlers from Washington D.C. Naval Reserve. Kewl.

THE INVOCATION: Cole Cochran of Kansas City Raceway Ministries. It was fine. Jeff Burton ought not to giggle in church, that might be why his engine give out.

THE COMMAND: James Welch, President and CEO of Yellow Transportation. Need I say more? He didn't suck as bad as many of the other Presidents and CEOs who preceded him, but he still sucked. God I hate Kansas.

And what was up with Wally D. and them pickin' at each other in the booth? We couldn't figure out the little in-"jokes", but they were getting downright bitchy with each other. It was getting to be a little embarrassing.

Harvick won again. Another reason to hate Kansas. But remember our motto: "Anybody but a Busch."

I Slept Through Dover... Carry On, Straight People!!!

2006-09-25T10:04:00.000-04:00

Gaaaaawd DANG! Ol' Aint Dixie's been layin' down on y'all - sorry! Cecil taped all the fun NASCAR stuff for me, so I got about 10 hours of race related action PLUS the new Desperate Housewives to look at this week - but that's gotta wait!

Tomorrow night, Tuesday, Sept. 26, at 9pm Eastern, I am scheduled to conduct a one hour radio interview with George Noory, who is the week night host of my former favorite radio show, Coast to Coast AM. This will be broadcast from the studios of WCLM 1450am, Richmond, VA, and if you can Google their website, you can listen online.

I hope he shows up. I hope I don't choke. So listen if you like, and feel free to comment on the glories of Dover until I get our commentaries on that up, sometime later this week.

I had the tv on in the bedroom as our boy JEFF BURTON got his first win in what? five years? Does this mean I have to sleep through all the Cup races now, to ensure him being the Nextel Champeen of Twenty-Ought Six? God I hope not.

Well, I heard the important part, when he won, and boy was that swell. And it was him racin' his best girl, Matt Kenseth. Thank God it was Burton, anyone else and Kenseth woulda took their ass out in a cold-blooded fashion.

And lookit old Jeff, leadin' in the points!!! God-damn, boy! Way to go! It's great to be alive.

Go Johnny, Go! -Craftsman Truck Series Sylvania 200, Loudon, N.H.

2006-09-18T01:24:00.000-04:00

Johnny Benson. A really nice guy.

I know I've said it about a gozillion times, but I love Johnny Benson. He seems like such a nice guy. So it was nice to see him win yet again Saturday in Loudon, N.H. at the Sylvania 200. He's got a hot streak going, and it does our hearts good to see him in Victory Lane for the .... what is it? fourth? time this year. Congrats, Johnny Benson!!! It's been a long time coming and well deserved.

THE INVOCATION: Reverend David Dodge of Stratton Community Church. (Sorry if I've misspelled his or his church's name, as usual TNT laid down on us again - all weekend long- as far as crediting this, that and the other thing. ) Rev. Dodge did a nice job. Kind of a Unitarian approach. He didn't do anything memorable, just got the job done.

THE FLYOVER; If there was one, nobody told us.

OUR NATIONAL ANTHEM: Performed by Jerilyn Sawyer of Bergo, R.I. (again, sorry if I got her name wrong, but no credits were given.) At her best, I thought she sounded like Chrystal Gayle. She did a fairly straight rendition of "The Star Spangled Banner", but as so many with a limited range do, she deliberately started a little bit too low and didn't have quite enough diaphragm to back up the first couple of lines, although she had a nice alto once she got enough air to back up the notes. She plugged along nicely using her country (without sounding too country) singer voice until she had to hit that high note on "free", where she resorted to her "church voice". I find that disconcerting, but 80% of the lady singers do it, so.... shrug... whaddaya gonna do? I'd rather hear that than somebody straining to hit a flat note while the veins bulge out in their foreheads and the tendons in their necks threaten to snap.

Cecil thought she did a nice enough job and gives her THREE STARS, without comment.

I'll give her TWO AND A HALF STARS. She didn't offend me, but she just didn't make me feel the love of my country.

THE COMMAND: Joe Digesa, Director of Brand Strategy for Osram Sylvania. Heh. With a title like that, you already know he's gonna suck. My favorite part was the guy who announced him. He got hung up on his last name and it sounded more like a violent sneeze than somebody's surname. He commanded the drivers at the behest of his company, with "On behalf of Sylvania, drivers, start your engines!". No shouting, but he had more energy than the last four guys who tried it (which ain't sayin' much....), he seemed fairly excited, but not like he was accustomed to being excited in front of a large group of people.

Cecil said his command may as well have been, "Todd, take out the trash." But Todd's not gonna do it. Todd's gonna let it sit while flies collect around it until his mother commands his father to take out the trash. Which he will do, because he knows she means business."

The Sylvania 300, Loudon, N.H.

2006-09-18T01:15:00.000-04:00

A-10 Warthogs

Hm. Harvick wins yet again. Yawn. As predicted, the race at Loudon was kind of a snoozer. At least nobody got hurt. Or worse. For that we are thankful.

During the "Poached Raisch" (thank you, Ben Hamlin) interviews, Jeff Gordon showed a lot of class by running up to Tony Stewart and giving him an "Atta boy" for finishing second, and to express his appreciation for how well Tony raced him. Both were grinning like Pat Ass monkeys, and you could feel the love. Now that's something you don't see every day.

And just by the way - how about that Dave Blaney? Led a couple of laps. Hung in the top ten a great deal of the time. Cut a tire about mid-race, had to make a green flag pit-stop, and fought his way back to come in ninth. The mighty Tommy Baldwin is back with the Cat 22.... ah well, if it can't be Ward, I'd just as soon it was Blaney. I like the cut of his giblets.

THE INVOCATION: Was given by some priest from some Diocese up around there, and I'm afraid I didn't catch his name. Cecil suggested it might by "Soloman Wordy", because he was kind of solemn and wordy. We did love the way he said, "Our Lord" with that crazy New England accent. "Ow-ah Lod." Howza chowdah, Teddy?

OUR NATIONAL ANTHEM: performed by Denise DeSap, who probably sings in the choir at Father Soloman's Cathedral.

Cecil gives her THREE STARS "for her solid, workmanlinke rendition and fine Yankee Craftsmanship."

I give her TWO AND A HALF STARS because I don't care for the "church lady" style of singing. If you were to judge her performance the way the average (white) choir director would, it was flawless. There's just something about churchy sopranos that bugs me.

THE FLYOVER: Four A-10 Warthogs from the New Hampshire Air National Guard. Very cool. And guess what? They were about the only people involved that got a banner at the bottom of the screen identifying them. Okay TNT, we'll take it. If you can only give credit once, let it be for the military. I still think you suck, though.

THE COMMAND: given by Frank Zantiago. Cecil gives THREE STARS to the guy who announced him. No stars for Zantiago, though. He leaned into it like he mighta had something, but betrayed us by being a wussy. That's all I have to say, other than I'm getting so goddam tired of these pantywaist/waste corporate corpses that I don't even want to acknowledge them anymore. Release the bats, y'all.

Matt Kenseth Will Be the 2006 Nextel Cup Champion.

2006-09-14T11:08:00.000-04:00

How do I know this? Because he just threw a New World's Record of 17 pies into someone's (Kelly Rippa's) face in under one minute. ( For you non-NASCAR fans, Kenseth drives the 17 car.) It's a Sign from God.

You don't believe me? Watch, wait, and check back in November.

I must say, I like the idea of watching NASCAR drivers give facials on national morning network television, and truth be told, throwing pies in peoples' faces is more my speed than the other kind.

I'll post a photo when one is available.

Kudos to Chesterfield's Denny Hamlin for also breaking the old pie-in-the-face throwing record.

David Letterman's "Top 10 Things Never Before Said By NASCAR Drivers"

2006-09-14T01:08:00.000-04:00

10. Kasey Kahne: "Anyone know how to drive a stick?"

9. Jeff Gordon: "Does this gas taste funny to you?"

8. Jeff Burton: "I don't care much for country music or beer."

7. Mark Martin: "Switch the 'r' and 'c' in 'racing', and you get 'caring'. "

6. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: "Wow. Letterman looks so young in person!" (David Letterman then blew Jr. a kiss....)

5. Denny Hamlin: "You're lookin' at a guy who can drive 500 miles without takin' a leak."

4. Kyle Busch: "A truly great driver doesn't mind asking for directions. Am I right, Ladies?"

3. Kevin Harvick: "It would be nice if the guys in the pits occassionally surprised me with a piece of carrot cake or something..."

2. Jimmie Johnson: "The Nextel Cup is great, but what I'm really excited about is The Late Show Ventriloquist Week."

1. Matt Kenseth: "If you think I'm fast in my car, you should see me in the bedroom."

You Might Be an UnsophisticA-tit Rustic If....

2006-09-13T23:34:00.000-04:00

Cecil Under Siege. (photo courtesy of Rankin Rob)

According to sometimes NASCAR spotter, and Larry MacReynolds's sometimes RV driver, Racin' Fat Boy, Mike Skinner "don't eat broccoli." But Dr. Carl Abraham Zimring and Dr. Ward Burton do.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

You might be an Unsophisticated Rustic if you keep live Virginia Opossums in your home. Which we don't. Right now.

You might also be an Unsophisticated Rustic if you're sitting in your living room drinking Milwaukee's Best, and turn to see your house cat, of dubious feral ancestry, is carrying a small, live frog around its mouth, and not think much about it other than to say, "Honey, Nails got a frog in his mouth.", and turn back to the Jimmy Kimmel Prime Time Spectacular on ABC. (Which, btw, was brilliant, and included footagge of Kimmel and Iron Mike Tyson singing "Winter Wonderland" together.)

It's possible you might be an Unsophisticated Rustic if you are accustomed to sweeping baby Copperhead snakes back out into the back yard with a broom when you find them basking in a sunbeam near your work desk.

And it is also remotely possible that you are an Unsophisticated Rustic if you know the quickest and easiest way to capture live bats and birds that are flying around your house without harming them, or having them shit all over the house before their departure. (Hints from Heloise: towels and five gallon buckets can be useful tools.)

Please do not ask us about the paper lunch sacks full of live mice. We assure you none of them are harmed, and are placed in loving homes that can give them far more than we could ever hope to.

Bank of America Wises Up

2006-09-13T08:39:00.000-04:00

The famous "Truckasaurus", immortalized in The Simpsons season 2 episode, "Bart the Daredevil". Best. Episode. Ever.
Well, not really, but I love to say that. You may also know Truckie's work from appearances at Lowe's Motor Speedway & elsewhere, billed as "Robosaurus".
*************************

Well good. Jayski reports that tomorrow The Bank of America, who will sponsor the B of A 500 at Lowe's Motor Speedway on October 14, is having a contest to pick a Grand Marshal for said race. As we all know, one of The Grand Poobah's duties is to give THE COMMAND for the drivers to start their engines. And guess what the contest entails, folks?

If you guessed who can eat the most fried bologna burgers, you're close.

But since it's Lowes and not South Boston Speedway, contestants will have to demonstrate their "Gentlemen, start your engines!" chops before a panel of "celebrity judges" (one being the P.T. Barnum of NASCAR, Humpy Wheeler), who will pick the winner based on style, technique and enthusiasm. They say it's their way of "giving back" to their loyal customers, but we all know that it's really because they know all their CEOs are wussies, and they don't want the folks here at Willard's callin' 'em out in front of God and everyone. Whatever it takes, I say. Whaddayawanna bet a chick wins?

Chevy Rock and Roll 400 - Richmond, VA, Sept. 9, 2006

2006-09-09T07:17:00.000-04:00

Well, by gum, The Rock n Roll 400 wasn't near the donnybrook I was expecting, but it had it's moments, and enough surprises to satisfy. Including common tater Wally Dallenbach referring to Richmond as Bristol after the race was over, and later one of the other announcers saying they were in New Hampshire. They may have been taking a few beer-stained pages from the late, great Harry Caray's book up there in the broadcasting booth. Too bad nobody said, "Cubssssssssss win!!!!!" after Harvick passed Busch Jr. on the last lap.

I must say the atmosphere was perfect for last night's race. The sound of the cars roaring around the track under green was enough to rattle the rotting floorboards of our living room.
Which came in handy, since TNT cut to commercials about every five minutes (Cecil timed it for a half hour, he said they'd show 3 mintues of racing, then 2 minutes of ads), regardless of green or yellow flag conditions. Fortunately we find about 50% of the ads they run during NASCAR races fairly entertaining. Love that "Whose agitatin' my dots?" guy, and those white collar dorks in the Holiday Inn ads...

For one reason or another, neither Cecil nor I speak to our parents much. We love them dearly, and they're awesome people, but we just don't "hang out". We speak on the phone maybe six or eight times a year, maybe more if there's a birth or a tragedy of some sort. But we can always count on phone calls from my Daddy and Cecil's mumma during Daytona, Indianapolis & Richmond races. And so it was today. They love their racin'. Cecil's mumma is a Jeff Gordon fan, and a recent Kasey Kahne Konvert. (She's kinda boy crazy....) So she should be happy her little honeys both made The Chase. My daddy was an Earnhardt fan. He cried when Earnhardt died. And I love the shit out of him for that. But he was left floundering for a few years, not having a driver to pull for. Some strange confluence of events made my daddy, Cecil & me all start liking Tony Stewart a couple years back. We'd previously hated the little prick, but he won us all over. Daddy loves him partly because his other racing hero, A.J. Foyt loves him. We love him cuz he has a monkey.

Alas, our Champeen Smoke didn't make The Chase, but so it goes. He took it well. We predict he's gonna be a sumbitch to contend with these next ten races. All bets are off, and I'd look for at least two more wins from him this season. Not to mention a lot more Ironhead-style driving.

One other topic, real quick: Schrader and Blaney. Hooooo-fucking rah for the old guys!! Both finished in the top ten - Hell, Pee Paw even led a lap or two, but at the end of the day do they get any respect? Oh hell no. Because TNT & SPEED both want to focus on The Chase. Jimmy "Mr. Excitement" Spencer & Kenny Wallace went off-script for a moment during Victory Lane to give kudos to both guys, but since they weren't "Chase Contenders" the Networks decided they were not comment worthy. Which is retarded and fucked up. Whoever this "Muscle" guy is that seems to be running SPEED TV? He needs to get an earful from Dixie.

And another Schrader/Blaney quickie: For two damn years I've been noticing that regardless of the track, or who they're driving for, Schrader & Blaney have a tendency to run together. Some kind of dirt-track owner, "Hey, Hermano, we're sympatico!" sort of thing, or just a fluke? I'm tellin' y'all - watch 'em - it seems they're always running the same, be it in the front or the back of the pack. And Jr. likes to run with Blaney, too. Isn't he a part owner of a dirt track now?

But enough of my yakkin' - let's get on with the Pre-Raisch Activiteeesh (as our beloved Channel 12 sportscaster, Ben Hamlin, might say....).

THE PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE: Bonus! I love it when you can hear 107,000 people reciting that, in unison, from your own back yard. Led by Brigadier General Mark A. Bellimi, Commanding General of the Quartermaster Center & School at Fort Lee. Very, very cool.

THE INVOCATION: Reverend C. W. Robb of Hunting Quarter Baptist Church. Rev. Robb was wonderful. Short, sweet, to the point, and he had a really beautiful Southern accent.
Our favorite part was when he said, " .... and we all say it, A- MAN!". Cecil said, "He's no Forrest Gump, but he'll do." We also thought he looked like a black Clint Howard. Very cool, Rev. Robb, very cool.

THE NATIONAL ANTHEM: by Bare Naked Ladies. Cecil ain't sure what to make of it, and truth be told, either am I. We both agreed that it's awfully fun to hear "AND NOW, OUR NATIONAL ANTHEM PERFORMED BY BARE NAKED LADIES!!!" booming over the speakers. Quite a disappointment when the camera pans to five middle-aged Canadian guys. Fortunately they were fully clothed. They're all good singers, but as Cec pointed out, "I was likin' it at first, and then that sweet tenor started sounding cartooney."

It did, too. His mic was the loudest, unfortunately, because the other four guys had nice enough voices, and for the most part, they were all on key in a rather complex arrangement to pull off - for a rock band. For a buncha Canooks, they treated the song a lot more respectfully than many U.S. born performers have in the past. But that falsetto tenor guy - MAY-AN! He sounded for all the world like Frankie Valli doing "Dawn" - which is a BAD, BAD thing during our National Anthem. We did, however, very much love the baritone part. It was just like a tuba part.

Cecil gives them THREE STARS. "Not so much for doing a great job, but they did it with sincerity, and if Canadians can do "The Star Spangled Banner" with sincerity, then that deserves three stars."

I'll give them THREE STARS also. You could tell they spent a lot of time trying to get it right, which is way more than we can say for a lot of performers. And they didn't try to "leave a mark" on it and get all show-offy, they seemed to be using a traditional arrangement, which sadly, only 4/5ths of the band were able to pull off. And also, kudos to them for not being dicks. The entire band seemed very obliging and laid back, and didn't seem to have any attitudes.

THE FLYOVER: F-16 Fighting Falcons led by Bobby Sandford of the Virginia Air National Guard. THIS. WAS. COOL. And finally TNT gave them credit both onscreen and verbally, even mentioning who lead the squadron and that it would be the last flyover by the F-16s, as they're being replaced by F-22s. Cooler yet was that they buzzed our house not once, but twice!!! I love it when military aircraft fly over our house, but it's only twice a year that I know for sure when they're going to do it, so I can go out and watch for them.

THE COMMAND: Given by Keith Crain, Chairman of Crain Communications. Boy. Yet another man lacking enthusiasm. Will it ever end? Mr. Crain will be spared my usual Harpy's Harangue because he did have style. He looked like he should be sitting in a bar saying "Da Bears" over a mug of draft beer instead of "Gentlemen, start your engines!" , but as Cecil pointed out, his delivery of The Command "was more a subdued, Teutonic military command. 'Gentlemen. Start. Your engines.' " And when he paused between words, he'd get a real crazy glint in his eyes, and shift his eyes back and forth. That was kinda neat.

Stay tuned for more nit/butt/booger pickin' regarding The Chase.

Emerson Radio 250 - Richmond, VA

2006-09-09T05:59:00.000-04:00

The Drive-by Truckers #07 Jack Daniels Car, Chevy Rock and Roll 400, 2005. Driver Dave Blaney & Crew.
Our one year anniversary. Wish you were here, Rob.

Well, Cup Qualifying was a hoot. Two Virginia boys on the front row, one being Richmond (well, Chesterfield - close enough....) native, Denny Hamlin. We liked Denny from the git, but it's his mumma and daddy we really love. Dennis and Mary Lou Hamlin gave up everything and all to finance their boy's dream. And couldn't be prouder. Denny's quotable daddy is what we call "our people". He's about a sensitive old booger. He'll cry on ya. And that's Jake by us, that dude is Cool. After his boy scored the pole position for the Chevy Rock and Roll 400, a tearful Dennis Hamlin said to TNT's Alan Bestwick of his son, "If we'da known he was gonna be that good, we'd have had 4 or 5 and sold them!". This comment was met with gales of approving laughter from all of the NASCAR talking heads, and may prove Mr. Hamlin to be more colorful and interesting than any of the current drivers. God Bless You, Dennis and Mary Lou Hamlin!

And onto the Busch Pre-Race Critiques:

THE INVOCATION: John Bryant, Mechanicsville Baptist Church. Bryant was short, sweet and reverent. He also sounded a great deal like Tom Hanks playing Forrest Gump, which sounds funny, but it was really cool. Think about it. Forrest would have made a great preacher.

THE NATIONAL ANTHEM: Performed flawlessly by The 392cd Army Band from Ft. Lee. It was a classic arrangement (except for one slightly baroque bit at the end, which added some drama) and should be held as a standard for how sporting events should present "The Star Spangled Banner". No noodley knuckleheads trying to "put their mark" on the song the way a tomcat puts his mark on your rose bushes.

FOUR STARS from everyone at Willard's Garagge. The way it should be done!

THE FLYOVER: Hello????? TNT??? Anybody awake over there? We taped The National Anthem so we could go outside and watch the flyover from our backyard, bein's how we're 1.5 miles from RIR. We saw two helicopters in the distance. Later we saw them on the video tape, but nobody bothered to mention what they were or where they came from.

THE COMMAND: Eduard Will, President of North American Radio Operations for Emerson Radio.
When will they ever learn? Whoever was in charge of reanimating that corpse was layin' down on the job.

Cecil said, "You can put him back in cold storage. He coulda used some more voltage on that de-feeble-ator to defrost him. CEOs make the worst Grand Dragon watchacallit command callers."

What is so fucking hard about getting a grown man to say four simple words with enthusiasm? These bastards are paying shitpiles of their stockholders' money to be on National Television for probably the only time in their lives, you'd think they'd WANT to shout it from the rooftops. But instead they all sound like Droopy Dog. Fuck you rich jerks, bring on your wives to holler "Gentlemen Start Your Engines!!", they're probably used to screamin' similar things at you.

Probably more along the lines of, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOUR FORGOT TO TAKE YOUR VIAGRA AGAIN?????"
--------------------------
more fun racing song suggestions:
Darryl Worley's - "Sideways"
Cheap Trick's - "She's Nice, She's Tight"
Robbie Fulks's - "Let's Kill Saturday Night"

Needles and Pinz-zah.

2006-09-08T12:47:00.000-04:00

As I sit here in the smokey back office of Willard's I am soothed by the sound of what seems to be one stock car going around and around Richmond International Raceway during one of the practices for this weekends races. But I still have butterflies in my stomach. I don't know why. We don't really have a dog in this fight, since our beloved Ward Burton remains "currently unaffiliated", as George Clooney's hilarious Everett McGill said in "Oh Brother Where Art Thou?".

Still this Race For the Chase has succeeded in adding some excitement to the whole travelling circus known as NASCAR. And so I shall fret until the final lap of the Chevy Rock and Roll 400 tomorrow night. Worrying over whether or not Jeff Burton will make it into The Chase. Will Denny Hamlin? Will Mark Martin be able to contend one final time for an elusive Championship? Will Mikey Waltrip ever find True Love? (It's the Devil's Crowbar....).

I heard Mikey say that Kasey Kahne was "cute as a button" in his Snuggle firesuit last week. Mikey said, "I just wanted to hug him! Show another clip of him in that Snuggle suit!"

Ho, me! Worrah, worrah, worrah. Soap operas could not possibly be as engaging as NASCAR. "But oh!", you say, "You haven't seen "Passions"!! It's over the top! They even have a monkey on it!"

We got a monkey.

Necrophiliacs Dancin' With the Dead Ones....

2006-09-06T23:08:00.000-04:00

all images c. wes freed 1993

Thanks to Rankin' Rob for "getting it".

Willard's Garage Vol. 1, #1.

2006-09-06T18:32:00.000-04:00

Richmond is a Hard Road to Travel

2006-09-04T10:31:00.000-04:00

The Race is On, Boys....

Richmond is a Hard Road to Travel
(words, anonymous; tune Daniel Decatur Emmett)

Would you like to hear my song? I'm afraid it's rather long
Of the famous "On to Richmond" double trouble,
Of the half-a-dozen trips and half-a-dozen slips
And the very latest bursting of the bubble.
'Tis pretty hard to sing and like a round, round ring
'Tis a dreadful knotty puzzle to unravel;
Though all the papers swore, when we touched Virginia's shore
That Richmond was a hard road to travel.
Then pull off your coat and roll up your sleeve,
Richmond is a hard road to travel,
Then pull off your coat and roll up your sleeve,
Richmond is a hard road to travel, I believe.

First, McDowell, bold and gay, set forth the shortest way,
By Manassas in the pleasant summer weather,
But unfortunately ran on a Stonewall, foolish man,
And had a "rocky journey" altogether;
And he found it rather hard to ride o'er Beauregard,
And Johnston proved a deuce of a bother,
And'twas clear beyond a doubt that he didn't like the route,
And a second time would have to try another.
Then pull off your coat and roll up your sleeve,
For Manassas is a hard road to travel;
Manassas gave us fits, and Bull Run made us grieve,
For Richmond is a hard road to travel, I believe!

Next came the Wooly-Horse,* with an overwhelming force,
To march down to Richmond by the Valley,
But he couldn't find the road, and his "onward movement" showed
His campaigning was a mere shilly-shally.
Then Commissary Banks, with his motley foreign ranks,
Kicking up a great noise, fuss, and flurry,
Lost the whole of his supplies, and with tears in his eyes,
From the Stonewall ran away in a hurry.
Then pull off your coat and roll up your sleeve,
For the Valley is a hard road to travel;
The Valley wouldn't do and we all had to leave,
For Richmond is a hard road to travel, I believe!

Then the great Galena came, with her portholes all aflame,
And the Monitor that famous naval wonder,
But the guns at Drury's Bluff gave them speedily enough,
The loudest sort of reg'lar Rebel thunder.
The Galena was astonished and the Monitor admonished,
Our patent shot and shell were mocked at,
While the dreadful Naugatuck, by the hardest kind of luck,
Was knocked into an ugly cocked hat.
Then pull off your coat and roll up your sleeve,
For James River is a hard road to travel;
The gun-boats gave it up in terror and despair,
For Richmond is a hard road to travel, I declare!

Then McClellan followed soon, both with spade and balloon
To try the Peninsular approaches,
But one and all agreed that his best rate of speed
Was no faster than the slowest of "slow coaches. "
Instead of easy ground, at Williamsburg he found
A Longstreet indeed, and nothing shorter,
And it put him in the dumps, that spades wasn't trumps,
And the Hills he couldn't level "as he orter."
Then pull off your coat and roll up your sleeve
For Longstreet is a hard road to travel -
Lay down the shovel, and throw away the spade
For Richmond is a hard road to travel, I'm afraid!

Then said Lincoln unto Pope, "You can make the trip, I hope
I will save the Universal Yankee nation,
To make sure of no defeat, I'll leave no lines of retreat,
And issue a famous proclamation."
But that same dreaded Jackson, this fellow laid his whacks
And made him, by compulsion, a seceder,**
And Pope took rapid flight from Manassas' second fight,
'Twas his very last appearance as a leader.
Then pull off your coat and roll up your sleeve,
For Stonewall is a hard road to travel;
Pope did his very best, but was evidently sold,
For Richmond is a hard road to travel, I am told!

Last of all the brave Burnside, with his pontoon bridges, tried
A road no one had thought of before him,
With two hundred thousand men for the Rebel slaughter pen
And the blessed Union flag waving o'er him;
But he met a fire like hell, of canister and shell,
That mowed his men down with great slaughter,
'Twas a shocking sight to view, that second Waterloo,
And the river ran with more blood than water.
Then pull off your coat and roll up your sleeve,
Rappahannock is a hard road to travel;
Burnside got in a trap, which caused him for to grieve
For Richmond is a hard road to travel, I believe!

We are very much perplexed to know who is the next
To command the new Richmond expedition,
For the Capital must blaze, and that in ninety days,
And Jeff and his men be sent to perdition.
We'll take the cursed town, and then we'll burn it down,
And plunder and hang up each cursed Rebel;
Yet the contraband was right when he told us they would fight
"Oh, yes, massa, they fight like the devil!"
Then pull off your coat and roll up your sleeve,
For Richmond is a hard road to travel;
Then pull off your coat and roll up your sleeve,
For Richmond is a hard road to travel, I believe!

*General Fremont
**The Battle of Cedar Run
From Songs of the Civil War, Silber
tune: Jordan is a Hard Road to Travel
RG

Added footnote: you can find a swell version of "Jordan Is a Hard Road to Travel" on the Dirtball cd, "Hillbilly Soul".

The Sony HD 500 - Fontana, California

2006-09-03T21:44:00.000-04:00

THE INVOCATION: given by Jeff Hamilton of Motor Racing Outreach. Um. Nice. Is about it. Very to the point and preacher like. Not colorful. Not dry. Just there.

OUR NATIONAL ANTHEM: Was sung by "Sony R & B Recording Superstar" MYA (pronounced May-I , we're told ).

What the fuck? That "singing" was..... I don't know. It reminded me of several things, but the most prevalent thought throughout her brutal savaging of "The Star Spangled Banner" was, "Just close your eyes and think of England."

Normally when I'm being brutally raped, I try to dwell on baseball or pancakes, but they're both so very American, and her rendering (and I mean "render" in all the senses of the word) of our National Anthem was anything but American. I'll give Miss MYA this, she raped the song very tenderly - almost hesitantly - as if she wasn't really sure if she hated her home country or not.... Given her seeming unfamiliarity with the song itself, let alone it's nuances, it's quite likely that she actually doesn't even know where she's from or whose side she's on. And I can forgive her for that, hence my generous bestowal of NEGATIVE THREE STARS AND 8 WEEKS IN GITMO. Or as Cecil calls it, "The Cells, At Guantanamo". (You have to say that in a soothing, tv real estate advertisement voice.)

And this friendly piece of advice: Dear Miss MYA, don't take every gig your agent throws at you.

Damn. My pussy hurts.

Cecil, Bless His Heart, got hung up on her name early on. "May-I". He got to thinking that it would be cool if she became a nun and climbed the ranks to Mother Superior, just to become Mother May I. Then she could start a wrasslin' team with Cardinal Sin. But of course, he knew that in real life she'd never be a Catholic, and if she ever did become a nun she'd take up a name like Sister Castrati, and really, where's the fun in that? Nonetheless, he does think that it might be a good idea for the Catholic Church to get involved in the WWF. Might take some of the attention away from all them not so honorable Priests that have been making the news lately.

Aaaaaaaaaaanyhoooozles, Cecil gives her ONE STAR because "She didn't fall down and she didn't hurt anybody."

THE FLYOVER; Definitely the high mark of the show.

Two beautiful F117-Nighthawks that were so awesome they actually made the crowd cheer for a moment during Miss MYA's miasmatic vocal wanderings.

THE COMMAND: Given by Sony Recording Artist, (but you may know her from her work on American Idol) Kelly Clarkson.

Not bad. Not bad at all. No criticisms.

ZZZZZzzzzzz...... snort! Huh? Wha? Kali-wha? Bush, did someone say Bush?

2006-09-03T07:29:00.000-04:00

Dear Kalifornia:

I'm sorry. You're sorry. I'm sorry that you're sorry. You have no idea I sorry I am that you are sorry.

"And when California slides into the ocean, like the mystics and statistics say it will....."

We can only hope, Warren, we can only hope....

A Winning Robot? - The NASCAR Lavander Theory Continues

2006-08-29T20:30:00.000-04:00

You know, if Kenseth wins a couple more races this year, I may change my tune, but for now all I have to say is, "At least it ain't Jimmie Fucking Johnson!" I don't know why people hate him so - he's so lackluster, there's really nothing to hate. Except for his propensity to blame anyone & everyone else when he fucks up. Okay. That's a good enough reason.

Did any of you catch the tv commercial that aired last year that showed his crew chief Chad Knauss at an angle where you could see straight up his not inconsiderable nostrils? He had a booger the size of The World's Largest Ball of Twine up there. Man, he musta got shit around the garage for ages over that. Love. It.

But I'm here today, Brothers and Sisters, to talk about Matt Kenseth and his former teammate Jeff Burton. Have we noticed how thier chumminess seems to increase daily. Can they just come out and say they love one another? Please. Because it's so fucking obvious. I'm sure it's in that heterosexual "Man Love" sort of way. But it is Love, L-U-V.

What the heck race was it last year when they both got out of their wrecked cars, leaned up against Burton's, arms akimbo, laughing and kibbutzing about the race that had just ended?

After hearing some of Kenseth's good natured ribbing over his radio at Bristol, I mistakenly thought he was talking to Burton and not his spotter. Cecil said, "What? You think they got walkie talkies in there to chitty chat with one another?"

No. Of course not. But what if.... ? Cecil imagined a scenario where they'd be frantically text messaging on their Blackberries and trying to race at the same time.

Kenseth: "I M KRAY-Z 4 U!!!!!"

Burton: "Matt, do you think the Car of the Future makes my butt look big?"

Of course, we kid. We love our dear South Boston native dearly - he's the only Burton we've got until Ward comes back. And I can't hate Kenseth. Not being a big Wisconsin Lovah the way I am. Plus he named his cat after Lars Ulrich - how cool is that? But for now, as John Boy & Billy like to say:

"Where y'all goin' later?"

(snerk!)

The Kids of Crews & Drivers -BRISTOL - Sharpie 500

2006-08-27T16:19:00.000-04:00

The Hilltop Hookers of Bristol:

The Philosophy of Cecil 101: "The American Flag should never be worn as a piece of apparel. Not even by kids singing The National Anthem."

THE INVOCATION: Dave Engbrecht. Didn't catch which church he was from, but he was definitely a bona fide preacher. My favorite part was, "...as we race The Race of Life, run powered by your Holy Spirit." tee hee. All kidding aside, it was very nice, it truly was.

THE FLYOVER: wtf? I heard it when the kids were singing. I saw them look up at it. Jesus. The United States Air Force really has better things to do than flyovers at races two or three times a week, thirty six weeks a year, NBC really ought to take the time to acknowledge their efforts, if only for a second. Buncha commies.

Dear NBC: YOU SUCK !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THE NATIONAL ANTHEM: Performed by the children of the drivers and their crews in conjunction with Motor Racing Outreach.

Now how in the hell can I say anything bad about a buncha cute kids singing "The Star Spangled Banner" ? It can't be done. Even though most of them didn't know what they were singing for or about, and had memorized the words phonetically, (think Ramona the Pest, and her 'dawnzer lee light' ), there is nothing more inspiring, or that fills a person with more Hope and tender Patriotism than 50 or so kids belting out The National Anthem. Of course, I could say the same about "The Theme to Billy Jack". (You laugh, but I've seen it done, and it brought tears to my eyes...)

As always, the kids did a beautiful job. I look forward to their yearly performance at Bristol, which has been a tradition for a number of years. I doubt they've done it for more than 25 years, but I'd love to see a clip with Dale Jr. in there singing along. The boys and girls all had their faces painted, and one little girl had what looked like a giant starfish stuck to her cheek. I wondered if it was an homage (or perhaps a fashion suggestion) to our beloved Janet Jackson, who made a few waves with a similar starfish gee gaw at The Super Bowl a few years back. My only complaint is that none of the kids were "yelly". (That's a musical term coined by famous bluegrass/jazz guitarist Kelly Kessler - buy her records, they're good!)

Normally there's at least one child in the pack that is either trying to upstage the rest, or just doesn't understand the concept of "notes" yet, so he or she shouts all the words. I LOVE IT when that happens. Nonetheless:

FIFTY STARS (just don't wear them, please) from Aint Dixie.

Uncle Fecal (Cecil) sez:
These are children for Chrissakes! How can you judge children?! They're The Future. The Best and Brightest, Etc. !!!! I give 'em a TWO.FIVE (STARS) because they were flat. But for plumb cuteness, they get a 4 outta 4. They still get points taken off for that flag on the head. It's a flag, notta rag."

THE COMMAND: Lynn Engsen, Grand Marshall. Nobody mentioned who she was with. And who cares? This broad belted it out, her fist balled up in front of her, punching the air to punctuate each word as she shouted, "GENTLEMEN! START! YER! INJUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNS!!!!!!!!!" Nice job, Lynn!!!!! FOUR STARS from Willard's Garage.

I wonder how long we'll have to wait for another man to do it right? A couple of my recent past favs. are Adam Sandler and (that freak) Matthew McConaughy. And the Red Hot Chili Peppers somehow managed to endear themselves to even the old-school Crotcheties (D.W. and them) when they did a 3-Stooges like harmony on "Gentlemen", then simultaneously shouted "start your engines". It was cool, but I'll go to my grave wondering if it was or was not disrespectful.

Random thoughts & observations: Wally Dallenbach does this little piece called "Wally's World" each week, where he takes some celebrity for a wall-scraping lap around the track. This week it was a former Georgia Bulldog football player turned actor named Omari Hardwick, who has appeared in a buncha movies I ain't seen. The reason I bring him up is that I could swear it was the same big ol' black dude who videotaped our band The Shiners round about 2000. We had a few beers with him and his partner in crime, whose name I don't recall, but they were taping us for some t.v. show they were trying to get on the air or something weird like that. We had a few beers with him, and he mentioned he was more of a "sports guy", but he really dug us. ( We did notice the camera man spent a lot of time focused on a couple Confederate Flags on the stage...)

I hope it's the same guy. (How many black guys named Omari can there be, for Chrissakes? Wait! Don't answer that!) We had a lot of fun with the Omari we hung out with, and if he isn't Omari Hardwick, I hope he's enjoying the same amount of success that Hardwick is, because he was a super cool guy. Even if you're a bigass football player, it takes a lot of balls to be one of two black dudes to come into a bar jam-packed with drunk rednecks and Confederate Flags, not knowing a soul there. But, as humans are prone to do, we all found we had a lot in common, dispelled any preconceived notions anyone might have had about anything, and generally had a great time, although it was much too short. Omari & crew had to dash off for yet another shoot that night.

Musical suggestion: FOX, NBC & ABC need to have Van Halen's "Jamie's Cryin" at the ready for the driver of Jack Roush's #96 car driver Jamie McMurray. (The Metrosexual of NASCAR, and Tom Cruise look-a-like). Bless his heart, I love Jamie, he seems like a puddin', but he'll turn on the water works given the chance. He bawled when he didn't make The Chase in Richmond in 2004, he bawled when he won Rookie of the Year - (or was it the 11th Spot, Runner-Up Award?) - and then the next year he promised he wouldn't cry when he was onstage at the NASCAR Awards. (Very endearing.) But after any given race that didn't go well, he gets a little fliberty-giberty. God Love Him. Well, he ain't the only driver in touch with his feminine side, so he has that going for him. Which is nice.

Ray Scott - Busch Series Food City 250 - Bristol Motor Speedway

2006-08-26T18:38:00.000-04:00

Shoooeeeee! I'm rushed today, folks! Spent a total of EIGHT solid hours watching NASCAR programming yesterday and well into hour two of seven today. Currently listening to SPEED TV's two hour pre-race show out of the corner of my ear while I type - and it sounds like ol' Crazy 8's (Robert Yates) is still courting Ward Burton for 2007. Good luck with all that, Bob.

(edit: Dammit! I meant to mention that they played part of Iggy Pop's "Success" as an intro to a piece SPEED did on Yates today. "Here comes success...over my head...." . And just the other day I was wishing for some Iggy. They still need to use "Loose", though.)

So I'll make the Busch Reviews relatively short - may add & edit later, so check back for more of my mouthiness!

THE INVOCATION: Mike Rife - pastor of Vansent Church of Christ, Virginia:
Cool. Short, sweet and weird. First line was, "Dear God, we thank you for our sponsor, we thank you for this facility..."
Thanking God for your sponsor. Perfect. Straight out of Ricky Bobby.

THE FLYOVER: Two F-18 Hornets out of Beaufort, S.C. - very nice!

THE ANTHEM: Ray Scott - "country music recording artist". Somebody sign this guy, he's cool. We loved him, he sounded like (and kinda looked like) Mike Cooley from The Drive-by Truckers. Nice, rich, baritone that was just reedy enough to give it a little twang. He did a respectful, conservative rendition of Our National Anthem. Although he used five notes on "wave", (and I'm sure he did this because he didn't have quite enough air & diaphragm to back up holding the one long note) it was totally forgivable because he was so fucking cool.

Cecil gave him 3.5 and 1/2 stars. - "I liked the fact that he was sweatin'. And he sounded kinda like Waylon."

Dixie gives him 4 stars. - I thought he sounded like Merle Haggard and/or Dale Watson. But Dale sounds like Merle, and not the other way around. Either way, ol' Ray Scott is jake by me.

THE COMMAND: Claudia (I didn't catch it, it went by so fast) - of Children's (hm hm hm hm hm...) Raceway Charities? Maybe? Anyhow, once again, the ladies do it again. Claudia didn't throw her all into it like that gal in Michigan last week, but she shouted it out and seemed like she was genuinely thrilled to be there. Cudos, Claudia!!!!!

Fun facts about Bristol:

Some drivers hold their breath while qualifying. Not too hard to do, as it's only 15 second laps.

In a field of 43, if you qualify 3/10ths of a second slower than the fastest car - you ain't fast enough to make it into the race.
Three tenths of a second, people. To quote Dale Jr., "That ain't shit."

How many G's do they pull? I dunno. The corner banking is 36 degrees. The straightaways are 18 degrees - that's more banking than Michigan has on it's corners. Former crew chief/sportscastor Bill Engle once hung a bolt on a string over the dash of a qualifying car, and the bolt and string hung parallel to the roof the entire 30 seconds.

Congrats to Jeff Burton's girlfriend Matt Kenseth on his win - didn't keep Happy Harvick from getting FIVE HUNDRED + POINTS ahed of his current second place competitor, Cousin Carl "Why the Long Face" Edwards. Unheard of. Harvick can sit out the rest of the year and still win the championship.

Speaking of Burton - we LOVE those Holiday Inn commercials!!! You seen 'em? They must be the work of The Martin Agency, they're just too sick to be anyone elses. There's five of 'em total, all featuring these bonehead business dudes - I'm sure you can find them online somewhere.

Also love the "agitate the dots" commercial. Who is that, Alltell? Who cares? That black dude eating the cake is awesome.

Scott Branson - Craftsman Truck Series O'Reilly 200 - BRISTOL

2006-08-24T02:35:00.000-04:00

CecilSpeak 101: You say "Cannibal", he says "Humanitarian"

Before we begin the Awards Ceremony, a few notes:
Eric Clapton was in attendance as a guest of his buddies the Germain brothers, owners of Todd Bodine & Ted Musgrave's Toyota trucks - it was his first NASCAR event, we're told.

Saw Slowhand having his pitcher made with old Johnny Benson. Wondered if either one of them knew who the other one was, but it woulda been cute if J.B. aked for tips on how to play that Gibson guitar he won a couple weeks back in Nashville. (See Jinxy, how bad can NASCAR suck if one of the trophies is a Gibson?)

I love Johnny Benson. Love, love, love, love, love Johnny Benson. Love him. What a nice guy. I'm so glad he's having a good season.

And real quick: When are they gonna start using the Rolling Stones' song "Happy" when they do features on Kevin "Happy" Harvick? Or use Iggy Pop's "Loose" just any old time? Sure, the lyrics are mostly irrelevant and nasty ( "and I stuck it, deep inside..."), but the Carribean Cruise Line didn't seem to have a problem working around that with "Lust For Life", did they?

INVOCATION: Frank Blevins
Pretty lackluster. I like the truck races because they often get some really funny pastors that seem to love racing more than preaching and get all wacky with the invocation. Not this guy, though. As Sheriff Andy Taylor said of his preacher: "Dry as dust."

THE ANTHEM: Scott Branson - "Local Singing Sensation" (I love it when they say that.)
Well, ol' Scott's got some pipes, no denying that. Hit all the notes with plenty of back-up air to spare. Too bad he sounded like a Southern Dudley Do-right. You know what I mean? That kinda tenor where you immediately envision some dude with a Mountie Hat on, and the chin strap is too tight? He did a nice, true rendering, though. Only got "melismatic" (Thanks for the new word, Remus! You must be the local choir director or sumpin', to know them fancy musical terms.) on "wave"

Cecil keeps saying he needs to learn to read lips so he can figure out what wisecracks the drivers make during such renditions of Our National Anthem.

I give him THREE STARS since he sang it all straight and respectful like. Didn't fill my eyes with tears of pride to be an American, though.

Cecil gives him TWO STARS as it was " a bad combination of church, opera and American Idol. And he didn't get all the words right."

Oh yeah.... I guess I should mention that this Star System is 0-4. Four being "it don't get no better than that", and 0 being zero.

THE COMMAND: Mark Keck, works for some fucking company, I didn't catch it, but he oughtta be demoted after that completely uninspired announcement. What is it with these men lately? They're dynamic enough to become CEOs of big ass companies, but they can't utter three (or sometimes five) simple words with any kind of authority at all? Jesus, if that guy was my boss, I'd be plotting how to overthrow his tired, sorry ass - it couldn't be hard.

I asked Cecil if he had any comments and he said, "I hate to overuse the word "lame", so...... no." He then added, "I think most people are taken aback by the microphone and the enormity of it all."

I call bullshit. If CEO Dude is liable to choke at the enormity of it all, they need to pull some kid who 'gets it' out of the mail room and let him represent their company. It's fuckin' BRISTOL! Truck race or no, it's still Bristol. They'd better get somebody with some balls for the "Sold Out For Eternity Cup Race" on Sunday, or they'll be hearing from me.

Wouldn't that be fun? Organize the NASCAR Nation and get everyone to send hate mail to any Pussy CEO who fucks up the command? Maybe we should send the mail in advance as a kind warning instead.

The Powers That Be - NASCAR

2006-08-21T16:51:00.000-04:00

Thanks to Jeremy Mayfield's little lawsuit filed against former employer Ray Evernham, the media is finally allowed to talk publicly about the little affair that Evernham and his developmental driver Erin Crocker have been having FOR MONTHS.

And as Dave DeSpain gleefully mentioned on his show Wind Tunnel last night, it's been "common knowledge" around the garage for months. Evernham's wife filed for divorce a couple of months back, yet the media skirted the reason why. Sure, there was a little innuendo from the non-mainstream sources - but even there it was only the vaguest of hints with an added wink.

The Evernham/Crocker relationship doesn't really interest me that much except for being a source for crude locker room jokes which are so easy to come up with there's not much sport in it. What fascinates me is the media's complicity to keep the story hushed up. The power that the Almighty France Family wields in the Wide World of Sports.

NASCAR prides itself on being a "family oriented sport" and works very hard at cultivating a clean cut image. Squeaky clean. At times almost prudish. The legions drunk girls flashing their tits in the infield of any given racetrack are still there, but you won't see them on television or written about on Jayski.

Unlike college and professional basketball, football and to a lesser degree baseball, scandal is not tolerated. And actual criminal activity of any sort will generally get you thrown out of the sport FOR LIFE after your second offense. (Google Shane Hmiel if you don't know what I mean.)

This is the work of The France Family, who in this day and age have more clout (and probably more money) than the Mafia of old. They rule the sport and the media with an iron fist, and what they accomplish fucking amazes me. "The Garage" is a very large "place". "The Garage" represents thousands and thousands of NASCAR employees and includes hundreds of sportswriters. All of whom knew about the Evernham/Crocker romance for months -MONTHS!! people!! - with nary a word printed in the press or spoken aloud.

Granted, an adulterous love affair is small peanuts compared to the rapin', murderin', drug addled thuggery that we hear about all of the time in other professional sports, but other than a crack-head and a couple of closet queers, that's about all we got in NASCAR. Or so we're told.

I don't think I have a point here, other than to express my amazement at the Power of the France Family and NASCAR's ability to police itself. Don Corleone would be envious. But is it a good thing? Should we have this in other sports? Should we have it in NASCAR?

I must say, my skull fills with Glee when I imagine the Marcus Vicks and Terrell Owenses of the world trying to make it in NASCAR. Their big, bad, black asses and mutinous spirits would be crushed as quickly as their career possibilities.
Washington Redskins coach Joe Gibbs seems to enjoy walking the tightrope between the two sports, having had much success in each. He seems to have a much lower tolerance for bullshit than other NFL coaches. What does he know that we don't know? I'd love to hear his comparisons of the inner workings of NASCAR and the NFL after he's had a few beers....

Your thoughts, Ladies and Gentlemen?

We're working on it...

2006-08-21T00:50:00.000-04:00

Thanks to all of you who've come to visit so far. We apologize for the half-ass-ed-ness of this whole blog site, we're kinda Luddites over here. The boys in the shop are working on getting everything all put together, but it may be awhile. V-8s they can handle, but micro-chips are a bit outta their league. Cecil says he's gonna make y'all a pitcher of the progress. We're using an old G.E. tv for a monitor, and Underwood for a keyboard, and we got 'em hooked together with jumper cables that're also attached to a Sears Die-Hard battery. Then the old Conjure Woman of Crow Holler, Granny Gelach, she's in charge of sending all the messages into the ether. So like I said, bear with us, it's gonna take awhile to get this joint looking all Official and not Oaf-ishel.